Kid Pro Quo – You Throw a Party, I Better Throw One, Too
My name is George and I'm curious: what's the point?
No, you have to reciprocate. Like it or not, there’s a kid pro quo.
Other parents helped you kill a Sunday afternoon with your toddler, throwing a pirate party, a princess party, a bubble party or whatever, and now it’s your turn. Or, I should say, it’s my turn. The first birthday I could get away with skipping, but now I have no choice. Like it or not, unless I feel like violating this unspoken contract with the other parents in my circle and at my day care, I am throwing a party for my son’s second birthday.
Let’s just say things aren’t off to a good start. Cancer is involved. I know. I’ll get to that.
First, my dream was to never throw an elaborate or expensive or exhausting birthday party for a child too young to care or even remember it. That dream was crushed, as I mentioned, by the social contract.
I decided the only course of action was to suck it up and pay one of these indoor playground places to host us. It goes like this: I throw them some cash, they provide plates and forks, a ball pit, air-conditioning, a giant slide, a bucket of juice boxes and the satisfaction of knowing I have not shirked my mom duties. Again, my child won’t care — that dude just made his first poop in the potty; like he cares if he gets a sheet cake from the grocery store or a chocolate ganache likeness of Thomas the Tank Engine from a bakery that sells $7 cupcakes. Like I said, these parties are payback for all the genuine fun and amusement I’ve had at the expense and inconvenience of other parents.
Now, how does cancer make its way into this story?
Two months in advance, I book the Saturday of his birthday. Plans are made, invitations (OK, e-vites, sorry) are sent, and what do you know? This indoor playground lets me know they double-booked my time slot. I’m out, the other family is in, here’s your deposit back, so long and farewell.
Obviously, there was nothing to do at this point but hang up the phone, get insanely upset, be fully aware that this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to anyone and also take a moment to ponder how horribly I’ve failed. All I had to do was throw a stupid party, like all the other moms do without incident. But I have no luck and no social graces, and this proves it. More self-flagellating to frost the teetering, tiered, rising cake of self-doubt.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler mom scorned. Let me tell you, my Yelp review was going to be none too kind. This is the only petty revenge I had for the horrible wrong this playground did me. They would pay. OK, this would be a waste of my time and probably have no effect on their business. And it would never answer the question: Why me? Why me and not the other family who booked the same time?
I fantasized about showing up at my time anyway. That would show them. They would have dueling parties and perhaps a fire hazard. They had my deposit, and I would have my party, on my day, at my time, their mistake.
That’s when the owner called, the mother of a girl a year older than my son. She said she was sorry, that this had never happened before, that she started the party playground to help busy moms, to make things amazing and memorable for the kids, to give herself something meaningful to do after she was diagnosed with cancer. That’s right, and that’s when I cried. And she cried. And she said things had fallen through the cracks since her treatment and her sister had stepped in to help out.
She offered me the 10 a.m. spot. Mimosas would be nice, she said. I could serve bagels. They would throw in some balloons and an extra hour for my trouble.
There are times when the universe goes, “Here’s your gift bag.” And you open it to find something more lasting than a painted face or a Curious George sticker. The theme of my son’s party this year is obvious. Perspective.
What am I dreading come birthday time is having to make the required goody bag. Ugh. It’s like a bag of crap that costs you $7 (multiplied by how many kids) to put together.
T!
Where are you?!?!!?!?!
We need another post from you soon – please do not disappear already before the holidays!!!
Hello Mr Blog-o-sphere ?
Can Teresa come out and play ? We promise not to cross the busy street and she’ll be home by supper.
Thinking of you T ! Wondering what’s up with you and Batman and Buster.
Your cyberpals
T-bone,
Just listened to an archived Adam Carolla podcast. I like Allison Rosen but when I heard you again I realized how much more you brought to the show. I’ve never heard anyone with better repartee. Also funny and more thoughtful. Wish you were still on the show. Hope this keeps the suicidal ideation at bay for a few minutes.
Teresa, you are amazing. I miss your voice. Please do more podcasts! Come back on Adam, guest on others, or start your own!
You are wrong. You are great at what you do.
Teressa your a
force to be recond with,personable, girl next door ,great lookin,loved you on carolla,t.v watercooler and tilden.
If I could write an essay, paint a colorful landscape, or bake a batch of chocolate chip cookies that would make you feel happy I would gladly do it. You are, and have been in the years since I’ve heard of you, a talented and gifted writer and comedian. You are beautiful and so passionately vulnerable…and you have a ton of fans out there who await your next endeavor.
I’m glad that Paul Gilmartin went back and re-edited his introduction to your episode of the Mental Illness Happy Hour, because back when it seemed as though he was saying that you had been made deeply uncomfortable by a series of questions directed toward issues of sexuality and asked for some content to be edited out, it was quite jarringly confusing to then listen to the episode itself in which it is difficult to imagine how you could possibly be more open to discussing any issue that came up. It left the listener with the impression that sexuality must simply be your “Achilles’ heel” when it comes to personal openness. But, it turns out that this all refers to a magical fairytale world of make-believe that never actually existed, so all is once again right with the world.
Teresa I have never cried in my car like I did when I heard you on Paul Gilmartin’s show. Thank you for being so intelligent and sensitive all at the same time. You are missed on Adams podcast. I wanted to hug you and I’m pretty sure Paul did too.
Hey T,
I just started the Mental Illness podcast this morning as I sat down to work, and I heard that you were going to be on. I have’t listened yet, but I wanted to pop you a note first and let you know that my heart jumped with joy to hear that you were on today!
I tend to be busy (2 kids, full time job, and a wife that travels internationally for work 50% of the time) so I enjoy passive media – i.e. I never find time to read blogs, books, etc – and listen to audio books and podcasts. Unfortunately, now I only get to hear you on occasion. Is your book (i heard it was optioned – CONGRATS!) ever going to come on audio? More T is a good thing!
Best,
Patrick
Teresa(pronouncing as does your Dad), your writing is so taut and expert. This is a great piece. Your work is a template for how it’s done.
I am wondering technically why you chose to mention the cancer early on? I guess is it builds tension for the reader and propels us to discover its relevance as opposed to just having that fact revealed by complete surprise? I’m not judging the choice–I’m just curious about it.
Also to Teresa’s readers and commenters: do not feed the trolls. Negative blog commenters are the bane of creativity and courage and virtually ruin the Internet as they act out their pathetic toxic shame.
Destroying someone’s art is so very easy. Creating art that original, vulnerable and transformative is very hard.
Which do you choose?
Hey T,
Hadn’t commented in some time but continue to follow your blog, always good.
I bank my Carolla podcasts and just listened to your one on one. We miss you so bad. Good your radio gig is done make it happen. Love hearing about Buster and how you struggle and overcome just like the rest of us.
Will say I was saddened to hear about your recent personal crisis. I wish you well in your fight to maintain and want you to know your son and hubby will not be the only ones you would leave behind. For all your haters (which I question I.Q.’s and lead paint chips consumed) you have to know there are TONS AND TONS of us who love you. Know you have mad love from good people. You are a fine mother and anyone who does not question parenthood and general sanity at times is lying. To themselves and whoever is in earshot of such proclamations.
Your SORELY missed on the podcast. Absolutely no bad karma or feelings to Allison but she just isn’t you. Unfair really, shes good and with some time could fit nicely. But you are one of a kind. Your wit and humility…decency and honesty shine an amazing light on we the listeners. Still feel like a part of us was ripped out when the radio show ended. Come back to the motherland. Stop reading and feeding the negativity and just give. We’ll give back !!
Lake
Just to clarify..’feeding the negativity’…meaning feeding the negativity within not replying to the dummies.
PS….I’d swim through oceans…to reach the island !!
Great piece, as always.
Now that your Peter Tilden gig is done, why not return to the world of podcasts? The podcasting world is a worse place for your absence. There may not be a lot of money in it (hell, there may even be no money in it), but it is certainly a good way to keep your name out there and raise your profile. And – let’s not forget – you are SO good at it. I would listen to anything you do. Please think it over. Do the right thing.
Hi Teresa.. I wanted you to know what a complete airhead you are.. yes, I know you have a bit of a following.. but I am so glad I can now listen to Peter Tilden without hearing your inane comments..and about your father’s home foreclosure.. Let’s get this out of the way: I’m an old bag. .. a UCLA grad Old Bag with a Ph.D., who left Brentwood (where I lived) several years ago to get away from LA crazy. .. and who successfully raised a kid (a tough job indeed, as you are learning), and something you are now trying to do, too…Oh, and yes, who never had my house foreclosed upon.. So there I was a few months ago, listening to Tilden, and once again you insult old bags like me. This particular morning, you sneer about “older women” spending our days watching Ellen & The View, saying “that’s what older women do all day – don’t they? – sit around watching Ellen & The View all day.” …These are two programs I have never, ever watched, along with Oprah, Friends, Seinfeld, Dancing with the Stars, American Idol or any other insipid pointless programs you seem to love. So while you sneer and mock we Old Bags, the very next day, when Tilden and a guest were discussing the C Anthony case, you confessed, on air, that you didn’t know what “Voir Dire” meant..then, the next day, revealed that “back in the day… (another cliche from you mouth) you never, ever missed a single episode of Oprah – this, from a radio host who sneers about Ellen/The View but who claims to be a writer (for how much longer are you going to exploit your “Exploiting my Baby..” ?), but who doesn’t know what “voir dire” means. … hmmm, I thought: maybe you should have spent less time watching Oprah, and more time reading books. .. on the Tilden show, you were always ready to chime in about TV programs, actors, actresses (this incessant babble about the Totally Useless is called “Social” or “Entertainment” commentary), but who had nothing to say (& nothing substantive to say) about anything else..
so, Teresa, if you’re lucky, VERY lucky, you too will grow up to be an Old Bag.. good luck with motherhood and that whole thing and, oh yes, stop watching Oprah re-runs, my dear, and pick up a book sometime..
Wow … do you manage to fill your pathetically small cup of self esteem by anonymously bashing people on the internet ? You are a sad, lonely, self-important, self-aggrandizing person, who uses their functional comprehension of the English language to bash someone who almost never mindlessly attacks strangers for fun or profit. What would tear you away from your “classic” literature long enough to utilize the popular forms of communication to insult a person you do not and never will know. Clearly, since you are unaware that Teresa has made a good living writing – long before her recently published book. She doesn’t “claim” to be a writer, she is a real writer by any standard. Additionally, if wagers were being placed, I’ll bet that she has read more books than you. Words are her life. Peter Tilden’s show continues to be interesting as it was before, during and now after Teresa’s participation. You claim to detest everything about her – but you stalked her to her own blog to verbally slap her around. If you are lucky, VERY lucky … you won’t end up a broken down old bat buried in a mountain of “literature” and bitterness – but fortunately for the rest of us, we may get some joy when you land on a future installment of Hoarders.
Wow … just, wow.
Your response is well written (although a bit defensive) & with some skillful humor…. and I’m glad that you liked my “lucky-very lucky” verbiage well enough to use it yourself.
However, I do understand Teresa’s bitterness regarding The View, in that she was passed over (and for good reason) for a gig on that show, but it is nice of you to defend her..
Thank you, Jerry Jerry, for helping make the point that Old Bags apparently have little else to do but participate in meaningless activities, such as spewing nastiness on others’ blogs… repeatedly.
Thanks also, for demonstrating how a strong educational background doesn’t make one any less of an asshat.
It’s not my blog, so I can’t really tell you to begone. (Although I would suggest keeping an eye out to make sure no one drops a house on you.)
Sincere thanks to Teresa for a well-written blog, with the thoughtful insight her articles always contain.
Hello Lakewiz, Sheila and Susan.. I am so pleased you have the time to read, and to respond to, this Has-Been’s (who really never was) blog. It’s good to know Teresa (who Sheila says “ALMOST never attacks strangers for fun or profit” – uh, yah, the very thing you’re outraged about my doing) still has a few – a very few – who like her work.. but I need to go now because, unlike Teresa (who seems to burn all her bridges), I am among the ranks of the employed..
Best regards, Your Favorite Asshat Who Speaks Truth (oh, don’t you so know it, Teresa?)
Jerry, I’m so delighted you could return for yet another round of Let’s Fight In Teresa Strasser’s Blog Comments.
You seem a little more unhinged and vitriolic this time, although maybe that isn’t a bad thing; your posts are also more brief.
As far as a “few” liking her work, what is your definition of “few – very few”? Her book made the Bestsellers list and continues to sell copies, so I would say more than a “few” enjoy her work.
You follow that with the counterclaim that she isn’t employed, implying that she doesn’t work. Your attempted dig falls flat. She isn’t unemployed; she is “self-employed.” She certainly continues to write for a variety of publications. Even if she weren’t working at all, I don’t see that it makes you superior to her in any fashion.
I don’t see that you speak any truth, and you certainly aren’t my favorite asshat. That entitlement would probably go to Charlie Sheen, who at least amuses me when he vents his bitterness and rage.
Hello Susan,
I find the most effective pest control strategy is not to feed the trolls with attention. When you consider the underlying pathology, they will always have more time, energy and sickness than rational, intelligent folks with real lives and real world problems to deal might have. Of course I do laugh at them, because really – a girl has to get her entertainment where she can find it. We know that Teresa doesn’t need anyone to defend her. So lets avoid giving the silly troll the internet equivalent of a juice box and a graham cracker and a nap
I stopped trying to reason with trolls a decade ago, and recognized they were an unfortunate side-effect of the internet, like nausea and vomiting are side effects of some otherwise useful medicine.
Peace Out
Jerry what was your point? You don’t like T?
Why are you in this website? Don’t you have something better to do at your old age? You might not have much time left, you should maybe try to do something more productive than posting insignificant useless negative comments on young cool people’s blogs.
T you are great, loved you in Paul’s podcast!
You are my favorite Mom. It was great hearing you on the Ace Man’s podcast. Party On, Buster!!!
Keep that bag of perspective handy – because soon Buster will be scoring his own “party favors” and working on a guest list that ditches his parents or anyone who might harsh their mellow
Sadly, the parties my kids look most fondly on were “parties” that just sort of fell together without much forethought or planning on my part – other than buying Costco sized chips, soda and other plethora of junk food, and utilizing the pizza joint I’ve always had on speed dial. To hear them talk about their birthdays – I really wonder why several times I booked party places with party themes and party ‘services’ I paid a premium for. Ack – had I known that 10 sleeping bags on the living room floor,filled with 20 pounds of nachos and some pizza and a few videos was ‘party nirvana’ I could have saved myself a lot of angst. Happy birthday to Buster by the way – can’t believe the dude is 2. Wow.
Hi Sheila, I do agree with you. By the way nice article.