The World’s Fattest Toddler: I’m Not Worried

Not making fun. Bless his heart.

 

Step aside, infamous Indonesian smoking baby, there’s a new gross-you-out and get-you-incensed Internet sensation in town. It’s the obese Chinese toddler!

Perhaps you have seen photos of Lu Hao, a 132-pound 3-year-old who eats three bowls of rice at a time and refuses to walk to school. It’s compelling stuff, the swollen kid crammed into a raft, floating in a pool, the massive baby gnawing on a chicken bone or being hoisted by his sweating, regular-sized dad as his girth tests the tensile strength of a T-shirt.

If you see the story anywhere online, don’t even bother reading the comments section. This is very predictable, the kind of kid story that causes parents to do one of two things: A) lots of pontificating about how mom and dad need to take charge and are actually abusive in their neglectful/idiotic parenting or B) feel sorry for the child and post about their pity, which causes group A to attack group B. These two groups will go round and round while missing the point: This fat baby is onto something, and I don’t just mean a steel-reinforced Bumbo chair.

I don’t know exactly what Bethenny Frankel does or is, but I know her name, I know she has written a couple of bestselling books, and I know she regularly trends on Twitter and has been featured on five reality shows, two that focus solely on her life.

Forget about the Strasberg Institute or the Writers’ Workshop at the University of Iowa. Skip Juilliard, practicing your guitar, attending classes at Second City or even going to culinary school.

Just have yourself some brawls like the “Desperate Housewives” or the cast members of “Jersey Shore.” In other words, embrace your total lack of impulse control, and you will be on the road to fame and fortune.

If you find you can’t keep your mouth shut, you might end up getting punched like Snooki and become an overnight sensation. If you can’t restrain yourself — from toppling a table at a party, screaming, conniving, drinking, vicious gossiping, smoking, having inappropriate sex, having a zillion kids or, in the case of little Lu, eating — we are going to be very interested in you. You could be five bowls of rice from your own series.

Discipline gets plenty of lip service, but if you want to “trend” in our culture, don’t call a therapist when you can’t control your impulses. Call CAA. I think they are opening a special “Impulse Control” division because that’s how profitable it is to completely give in to your urges, at least if there’s a camera there to capture it. Only suckers bother with training, practice and long, boring, expensive educations that mainly lead to working mundane jobs while hacking away at manuscripts that will never sell. You know who sells books? The Situation. He sells books, and last I checked, he hadn’t “paid dues” or “even read a book” himself.

If TLC doesn’t get ahold of this obese baby, they are missing out on a chance for a docu-soap that could fit nicely into their lineup, the way Lu’s diaper fits perfectly over a queen-size bed. “Little People, Big Baby” could be the story of two little people struggling to raise a giant child. Look out for “The Littlest Biggest Loser,” in which Lu competes in weight-loss challenges with other chubby babies from around the world.

Lu could move in with the Duggars or be disciplined by Jo Frost or perhaps team up with the smoking baby (who has finally quit smoking, by the way) to live in a house on the Jersey Shore with Bethenny, her new family, a few MTV Teen Moms and an aging Puck from “The Real World.” A swirl of ids could provide new catchphrases, books, spin-off shows and viewing parties.

This fat baby is already learning something important about making his mark. The only thing he really has to worry about? The next 500-pound 4-year-old knocking him off his top spot. Or the smoking baby picking up again. Fame is a hard habit to break.

 

* This piece originally appeared in the Huffington Post.

Related Posts with Thumbnails

13 Responses to “The World’s Fattest Toddler: I’m Not Worried”

  1. addam
    May 25, 2011 at 6:56 am #

    Theresa You are an intelligent wonderful and beautiful woman. Motherhood agrees with You.
    Be happy You have earned it.
    Addam

  2. Sheila
    May 24, 2011 at 9:00 pm #

    It was fantastic hearing the ACP selecting you for the most recent round of BlahBlahBlog. Unfortunately – you are such a superior writer that every single person guessed right because they all noted that none of the other choices could write like that – you’re in a league of your own, true so very true. Still lovin’ you with Peter in the mornings – you guys are such a cute work husband and wife.

    LOL – hugs,

    Sheila

  3. Moms in Boyland
    May 19, 2011 at 12:29 pm #

    A woman after my own heart. This fame whore world would dry up if these people would close their legs, quit drinking, and sobered up the coked up Jiminy Cricket living in their weaves or gel plastered heads. Can you believe Bristol Palin and The Situation are spokesman for abstinence http://www.momsinboyland.com/2010/11/makin-news-monday-celebrities-teen-sex.html. F-ing ridiculous, love your post!

  4. Orlandoescape
    May 19, 2011 at 10:11 am #

    It is amazing what is happening out there to our children and the media is having a great time with it.

  5. The Woman Formerly Known as Beautiful
    May 5, 2011 at 3:54 pm #

    Here’s a tagline from a mom blog I checked out, “Amazing blog by a young mom whose son nearly died at birth….Also she has a brother with down syndrome she blogs about! Great stuff!” Is it me? Or is this icky?

  6. mominrome
    April 30, 2011 at 11:02 am #

    Well this is my first time visiting here.
    I really love the way you write…

    thanks for sharing! :)

  7. Elisabeth
    April 21, 2011 at 9:43 am #

    I had not seen this yet. No T.V. here at our house. How in the world did this baby get to be 120 pounds? Totally wrong! This child will not live to be an old man if things don’t change for him, that’s for sure. Very sad.

  8. Charles H. Bryan
    April 20, 2011 at 11:56 am #

    I have chosen to deal with these things in this manner: To hell with Snook, read a book. I am a happier person since cutting back on having the television on and ditching cable/satellite service.

  9. Mrs. Wonder
    April 14, 2011 at 10:17 pm #

    As people need bigger things to shock, horoor or entertain them, I’m sure parents will want to have a ‘unique’ child to exploit to make money.
    I hope that Chinese baby gets the healthcare he will need, and that TLC stops with the docu-dramas ( just Watch What Not To Wear)

  10. Ado
    April 14, 2011 at 5:43 pm #

    Ok, this was a fantastic post. I don’t know what the above commenter is talking about. I got it. I think about our fame-whore culture(or lack of a culture) a lot because I’m raising children in it, and like it or not culture impacts a person. So I have decided to move to freaking Australia, or New Zealand, or an isolated craggy island off the coast of Ireland, unplugging the computer and TV, and then I don’t have to worry about all this shit. Because you’re right, it’s EVERYWHERE. We are becoming…Snookyfied. I’m getting out and taking my kids with me! (-:

  11. Sheila
    April 12, 2011 at 2:59 pm #

    Oh Teresa … you have beautifully captured one of my consistent rants. My poor family and friends know I’m rarely a channel surfing second away from doing 5 minutes on “YouFame”. This is my catchall lable for anyone achieving cultural pseudo-celebrity based entirely or predominately on some character defect. These programs are justifed with the statement “they are reaching out to an audience who may be suffering silently or providing information to make the public aware of XX situation”. Sometimes no guise is given at all, just “hey y’all look at the wackos, doing crazy sh*t “, an hour of this an you’ll feel better about whatever your life situation might be. Even if you’re getting punched for being an obnoxious loudmouth like “Snooki” at least your punches are suffered in privacy. What used to drive people to a support meeting where often one of the strongly held tenets was anonymity, so that everyone could focus on creating the best most productive life they could have regardless of whichever demon, abuse or affliction may have brought you there. Now instead of thinking – “I would love to cleanse myself of this problem by seeking help” the public now thinks “how much fame and money could I get by humiliating myself, exploiting my clown car vagina, enslaving my children, disgracing my friends and family etc)

    We really need a media enema and a cultural time out to regain our sense of privacy and decency.

  12. Tim
    April 11, 2011 at 1:15 am #

    T – What do I have to do to get a bookplate? On Nov. 4th (I had pre-ordered already), Anthony said I’d have it by January 4th……I’ve emailed him a couple of times and all I get is auto-replies………Just listening to your Greg Fitz podcast and loving it and it made me think I want my bookplate! LOL!

  13. Amanda
    April 8, 2011 at 2:43 pm #

    I adore your writing, Teresa, but I had a hell of a time trying to figure out what this post was about.

Leave a Reply