I’m Like the Guy in “Fight Club”
Formula isn't Poison.
Every week, I go to a breastfeeding moms support group. I stopped nursing three months ago.
At first, I tried to blend, just made my baby a bottle of formula beforehand and fed it to him during the group hoping people would assume it was previously pumped breast milk. But I’ve gotten brazen, and now I just take out my little bottles of Good Start and feed him right there, as the other moms try not to stare in horror.
I guess I’m just lonely.
That meeting is a good time killer. You drive over there, stop by the Astro Burger drive-thru for a Diet Coke and some zucchini sticks, sit in the meeting for an hour and a half and next thing you know, the afternoon is almost over.
Any guilt I had about weaning at four months is healed by these weekly meetings, the non-stop obsessing about what size breast shields to use, whether the babies are gaining weight (many moms weigh their babies daily at the store that houses the group), what kinds of supplements to use to keep the milk flowing, how often to pump and for how long, how to wake up in the middle of the night to pump so the supply doesn’t drop, the best way to freeze and store milk, how to deal with plugged ducts and babies that need to nurse every hour through the night.
Sometimes, I just want to raise my hand and say, “Listen you crazy bitches, it’s not all about the breastfeeding. I’m sure you can bond with your babies in lots of ways that don’t involve turning your lives inside out just to make sure you never expose your baby to an ounce of formula. It’s not poison.”
But I was one of those crazy bitches. I took the herbal supplements and drank the tea. I tried to go as long as I could, but at four months, supply just couldn’t meet demand. Did I want to keep taking drastic measures, to make motherhood all about nursing, or did I want to let go knowing I did the best I could? Well, I didn’t want to let go, but my body was in charge and that’s how it went. The well ran dry. To see the pressure these women put on themselves, is to look in a mirror. Would I have been a better mother if I chose to get up every couple of hours and pump so I could keep nursing? Or would I have been a sleep-deprived mess who let myself get brainwashed by my peers? So I go to the group. Maybe just to kill time, but maybe also to feel better about the formula thing, because these moms look downright miserable. Lots of talk about cutting out dairy and soy and how long to nurse on each side and what kind of pump is best and in the end, instead of feeling inferior, I just feel relieved. I have enough crazy, bullshit obsessions without adding this one. It’s over. And as much as I truly understand that breast milk is superior, I wonder about all the struggles that seem to go with nursing a baby.
It’s natural. It’s right. It’s what Mother Nature intended, and yet, so is breathing and most moms don’t go to breathing support groups or breathing consultants. My pediatrician says we need help to nurse properly because we no longer live in communal situations with aunts and cousins and elders who could show us how to do it. Stores and groups and books and consultants are the new “village” it takes to raise a child, or at least nurse it successfully.
The dark secret for me is that I had to work. Worse: I chose to work. I had a book to write and I went off for four hours a day and let the baby have a bottle. I pumped in my car in the parking lot of the library every couple of hours, but still, I worked. And maybe that’s why I stopped making enough milk. The less I made, the more formula I needed to use, the less I produced, the more I used formula, the more demand shrunk, supply shrunk, the whole thing unraveled and it’s all my fault for working. Or that’s what I tell myself when I’m kicking myself in the ass about the whole thing.
The pendulum has swung so far since the days when doctors advised moms that formula was best, when nursing was seen as radical and kooky. Now, at least in my little corner of the world in East Los Angeles, if you don’t nurse your baby for at least six months, you are a failure, you are a lazy mother, you are selfish. In the tacit competition between the moms over who can nurse the longest, the competition that may exist only in my mind: I LOSE.
Yes, I liked nursing. It was pretty sweet knowing I could keep my baby alive with my boobs. I did feel like a natural woman. At the pediatrician, I felt like a rock star. Around formula-feeding moms, I felt a potent mixture of superiority and pity. And after awhile, I felt like an idiot for my nonstop focus on how I could keep it all going, the breast milk in a cooler in the car, the washing of the plastic parts, the pumping in the middle of the night.
When I see what these nursing moms are going through, I don’t miss it. I’m angry that the unintended consequence of this well-meaning “breast is best” movement is to guilt working moms into nursing on demand, all the time, all night long, for six month or until most jobs won’t want you back. The accidental message is that if you don’t press the pause button on every aspect of your life to nurse the shit out of your baby, you are the worst thing in the world: a bad mom.
So maybe I don’t just go to the nursing moms support group just because I’m lonely, maybe I go because I’m guilty.
I think it’s so important to honour our bodies needs. I think the reason why I kept breastfeeding for so long was because I never tried to figure out how much milk I was producing.
It must be so heart breaking to see that your babe isn’t gaining weight even when you are doing the right thing.
I was one of those evangelical “thou must breastfeed” people when I was pregnant. LOL! How naive was I? short of supply issues I went through every form of breastfeeding torture that you could: mastitis (3x), milk blisters for 6 weeks, poor latch, cracked nipples blah blah blah. If my body hadn’t been producing the stuff en masse, I think I would have stopped. The only reason I didn’t was the idea that somehow I would be a failure if I didn’t keep going.
At 28 months, I ran dry and that was it. My little one was not finished nursing but there it was: no milk.
And really, that was the best thing that happened to our relationship.
I hope that you find a way to feel really good about your decision to stop. Moms don’t need anymore BS/guilt/worry in their lives.
Good luck!
Hi Teresa,
I just wanted to say that we moms have enough guilt in our daily lives. I hope you can be free of the guilt about not breastfeeding Buster.
Having said that- I think it would be a good idea to stop going to that breastfeeding support group. It would certainly present a one-sided perspective on breastfeeding since most moms go there to get help with breastfeeding PROBLEMS they are having.
I have an eight month old son who is breastfed and an almost 4 year old daughter who still nurses occasionally. So I guess you could say I am on the other extreme of this situation. I don’t say this to brag but just to let other moms who are starting out on their own breastfeeding adventures know that it’s not always a big trial, and not to worry about how it will work. I have never had any trouble with nursing my kids. I’ve had no issues with latch, or supply, or the so-called inconvenience of breastfeeding. Overall it’s been a relatively easy and enjoyable experience for me and for a lot of moms I know.
(In fact, it feels waaaaay easier to roll over and pop a boob in my baby’s mouth in the middle of the night- rather than get up, make a bottle, feed it to him, resettle him, resettle myself, etc, etc. Also I find it way easier to breastfeed anytime anywhere, rather than to try to prepare a bottle in an unfamiliar environment. And it’s another reason why I feel for moms who are formula feeding their babies (for whatever their reasons) I think, wow, that seems like A LOT of work!! But that’s my choice and just one of my opinions on the bottle vs. breast debate.)
I’ve had mastitis a couple of times. Geranium oil hot compresses and baths relieved that pretty quickly though. I also know moms who have struggled to breastfeed for some or all of the reasons you mentioned in this blog. I think that what Mayim Bialik said on your show is important to remember, and I am paraphrasing cuz my memory is not great “every bit of breastmilk that you can give your baby is great.”
So, instead of feeling guilty about not breastfeeding your baby anymore- you should feel proud that you gave him the breast milk you did!
And, come on, drop out of that breastfeeding support group! Or maybe you should go join a Mom’s Guilt Junkies support group too..?
Love TPE and this blog. Keep it up.
Much love,
CC
Please exploit your baby some more! Promise to still buy the book!
Thought you might like to know that this post is circulating through mom groups in Seattle. I had major supply issues and after going crazy in very much the same manner you describe, gave up at 6 months or so and exclusively formula feed my daughter now. The guilt was overwhelming. At the start, I felt as though I needed to apologize when I’d shake up bottles in public, but these days I give hostile looks, challenging anyone to say something. Also to the bozo who said that Fenugreek would make your “boobs explode with milk”? Not true, my friend. Not true. I spent a fortune on Fenugreek and Mother’s Milk tea for months and was still only making 2 ounces per feed. Bitter much?
T, I am a big fan. Love you on the Adam Carolla Show and TPE (I subscribe to both). I’m wishing continued success for you. Little Buster is adorable and looks like my son when he was a baby. My son grew to be 6’5″ and is still my little boy at 30 although he lives in a distant city and lives as if he were grown up. Best to you.
Nice exposé. Presumably you won’t be going to that support group again, unless you want to risk getting boobkaked. (If you do, that’s another matter – and please take pictures.)
One problem with breast feeding is that – especially in the beginning – it’s not as easy as people lead you to believe. (I would describe the first week as needles poking out from the inside…) I am not a member of the La Leche league, but I do want your working mother readers to know that for some of us it worked just fine. I breast fed both my boys and they also got a bottle of formula now and then. I never pumped and refrigerated. When I went to work, my production adjusted to my schedule. I worked 80% time and was able to breast feed until they were about 14 months old. No one should do this out of shame or pressure. I just wanted to provide a counter point that for some of us, it really does work. (And I know how they came up with the term “jugs”)
Teresa, you will not even give this issue five minutes’ thought on Baby #2 (if that’s in your plans)!
I had minimal milk production (due to surgery, so I had a somewhat guilt-free excuse), so my two kids were primarily formula-fed. And of course they are fine.
One great thing about using bottles and formula, in my experience, was that other family members (dad, grandparents, older cousins, etc) and adults in my kids’ lives got to hold them and feed them, which I think is such a special and short-lived time.
Hang in there! You’re doing great.
Welcome to the other side, T. We even let our babies watch some T.V. over here! And guess what? We’re sensible, we’re reasonable, we’re pragmatic, and we raise healthy, well-adjusted children. We’re happy to have you in our club, and now you can join us in making fun of those nut-bar mommies breastfeeding their THREE YEAR OLDS!
I’m only posting this in the comment feed to exploitingmybaby because I now refuse to go to adamcarolla.com
After 15+ years of listening to Adam Carolla, I’m done. It was despicable the way you and adam ridiculed William Shatner for his reaction to FINDING HIS WIFE DEAD in their pool. He was 68 years old when that happened. You really thing a 68 year old man would be able to dive to the bottom of a 10 foot pool & drag someone back up to the surface? What aspect of the way you think made you think it was OK to make fun of how someone in shock acts when something that horrific happens? If I came home to find my wife dead, I don’t think I’d even be able to breathe. I’ve hear Adam say some really on-the-edge stuff over the years, but this pushes me over. I will never listen to your shows (either of them) and if I hadn’t already used it, I would return the mangrate that I bought to support you.
Goodbye
My son is now 23. I didn’t breast-feed him…….and I didn’t feel any “guilt.” My son drank a healthy store-bought forumula—and not only did he grow up big and strong, but he and I are close and I know I’ve always been a good mom. Breastfeeding has nothing to do with whether you’re a good mother or not. Drop the guilt routine. It’s a waste of time….life is too short for that…and it doesn’t matter what the sanctimonious moms think of you. Screw them!
Teresa, thank you. Your post gave me the courage to allow myself to stop breastfeeding. I have been a crazy woman for the past 9 months, trying to make sure I’m pumping enough… drinking water, tea, eating my oatmeal. It started as just for 3 months, then 6 months… every month it was ‘just one more month.’ Eleanor has been getting formula for a week now and is doing great! I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me. No more pumping and no guilt!
http://www.foxnews.com/us/2010/06/02/john-mark-karr-jonbenet-ramsey-search-warrants/
T,
John Mark Karr newsflash! Please include this on the news asap, it’s super creepy. I hope Baldy has the Fallin’ drop handy. I love your work on the show!
Breastfed two children for 8 months easily and could not care less if someone breastfeeds or doesn’t. Formula is a godsend to humanity. It has saved children’s lives and mothers’ sanity. Just because it’s made by a for-profit corporation doesn’t make it evil. Entire generations of Americans were bottle fed. Some are fat, some are thin, some have allergies, some don’t. There’s no magic pill you can give your baby to assure it a problem-free life. Not even breast milk.
Teresa,
My husband, who is a hardcore Adam fan, just turned me onto The Parent Experiment and I love it. Thank you so much for working this podcast! It makes me feel so much better as a mom and a little less guilty about what I “should” be doing. As far as breast-feeding goes, I tried for 6 weeks to nurse my daughter and I hardly had any milk. What a freaking failure I thought I was! I even tried pumping every three hours for those six weeks and felt like a fruitless cow. My daughter is now almost two and while I still feel a lot of guilt for things I think I should be doing but don’t know exactly what those things are (do you ever feel that way? F-ing society.), I feel some peace knowing that I am trying my damnest and just praying that my child turns out semi-normal. Many thanks Teresa and Lynette.
This article really hit home for me. As an expecting mother and Pediatrician with no interest in breastfeeding other than the weight loss benefits, I’m sick of feeling forced into doing the socially acceptable thing in breastfeeding. This article from the Atlantic gives all the scientific ammo you need to prove that breast is not necessarily best. http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2009/04/the-case-against-breast-feeding/7311/
It’s a fantastic read!
Absolutely every mother or mother-to-be should read that Atlantic Monthly piece. I wish I had read it when I needed it, back when I was drowning in guilt. Facts are the best antidote for mumbo jumbo new age mothering guilt.
Thanks for posting the link here.
T
Hi Lisa!
I am a former tortured b-feeding mom ( my son FINALLY got the hang of it at 11 weeks) and I can say that that weight loss thing is a lie as well. Here we are 13 weeks in and I have actually GAINED 2 pounds since the initial 30 pounds I dropped right after he was born. My gynecologist even said that for most b-feeding moms losing weight is a myth! SO bummed!
Take care,
Jen
It’s refreshing to hear someone put into words what I have felt about breastfeeding. I have 19 week old who I breastfed for 6 weeks. I knew that I didn’t want to mess with pumping once I went back to work after 8 weeks. The nature of my job would have made it extremely difficult. I was glad I was able to breastfeed (with the help of nipple shields)because I had heard tons of horror stories leading up to my son’s birth. And I read a book that made formula sound like the devil. It was a nice bonding experience and I didn’t mind the actual process of breastfeeding like I thought I might. But I didn’t like the way I was tied-down every 2 hours. Once I finished feeding my baby, I would pump. And the whole process started over not long after. I felt guilty about giving up so soon but I have let that go (for the most part). My baby is happy and healthy and sleeps very well at night. I did what I could for the time that I could and I’m glad about that. And when it came time to switch to formula, I did that. And the world didn’t end.
I wish this entry and comments was available to me 8.5 months ago when my daughter was born! I killed myself trying to breast feed and pumped every 3 hours (even in the middle of the night) to try to give her breast milk.
When I asked friends why breast feeding is so hard and painful they respond with, “what are you talking about?! It’s so easy! Don’t give her formula!” Well what was I supposed to do?! Let her starve? It frustrated me and I was so cranky from lack of sleep that I lashed out at everyone.
I am still breast feeding now and working full time which I feel incredibly lucky that I can still do this when she is 8.5 months. My goal was just to reach 6 months and now I want to reach 1 year.
I make it a point now to tell pregnant friends that breast feeding is HARD and painful. I hate it that breast feeding classes put on by La Leche League show videos of happy mothers making breast feeding look like a piece of cake because it is not. I felt like I was deceived! It should be pointed out that breast feeding is hard in the beginning!
I love this post and I love you for writing it and just saying it like it is. Eight years ago when I had my baby girl I tried to nurse. I made it 3 weeks and said F it. It was hard and I was neurotic. I decided to try again with my second child (now 6). With her I made it almost 8 weeks. It was not as hard and I was way less neurotic. But it rules your life and if you want some of that life for you then you just let go and move on. Meh.
It’s hard enough being a parent and I’m so sick of the sanctimonious b.s. we subject ourselves to and each other… Anyway, I love your writing and the podcast. Thanks for sharing! xo
Thank you so much for this post. My wife is killing herself trying to meet the needs of my newborn daughter. My wife is the most amazing person that I have ever met. She has lupus and the breast feeding is just incredibly difficult for her. However, the only thing more painful than breast feeding is the guilt of not breast feeding. Thank you for your insight. I hope that it will help her.
P.S. My wife and I love the podcast.
FYI for the next baby- fenugreek and steel cut oats every day makes your boobs explode with milk!
Theresa,
I seem to remember you mentioning on one of your broadcasts how much you dislike baby books. Thought you might enjoy my post on it. We are a group of Gen X Moms who talk about all the good, the bad and the ugly. Plus a little pop culture thrown in for good measure. Come visit us!
http://genxmoms.wordpress.com/2010/05/19/going-by-the-baby-books/
My Mom had 7 children. 5 oldest had formula (was told in the 50s and 60s breast milk was worthless) and 2 youngest breastfed. My sister and I, the 2 youngest have bad skin, bad teeth, bad eyes, and get sick just as much or more than the older kids. I asked my Mother if their was any difference between the breastfed or formula babies and she cannot think of anything other than the breastfed were born with dark thick clumped hair that went from blonde to brown. Everyone has advice, but in the end you do what you gotta do, and own it!
Younger kids tend to get sicker than older ones because the older ones bring home germs from school. Just a thought.
Hi Teresa:
I love you and Lynette on the Parent Experiment. I try to check in and read your blog when I can as well. I just wanted to comment about breast feeding. I have three children and breast fed them all for about a year. I am still trying to wean my newest baby (14 mo). She will not let me go. I went back to work after 6 weeks and pumped at work. It was a lot of work, but I had so much milk that I stopped pumping at 6 mo and used the last of my frozen milk on her 1st bday. I am not trying to make you feel bad. I am the only one of my friends that has even tried to breast feed, but I also know how hard it is. I don’t think anyone should feel bad for not breast feeding. I enjoyed my time with my children and thought it was crazy to pay for something my body could produce for free. I realize this is not for everyone.
It sounds like you are a great mom and only have Buster’s best interest at heart. As parents we can only hope we have made the right choices for our children and our selves. If we the parents are not happy how can we make our children happy?
Hello Teresa,
I obviously can’t speak for why you might continue to go to the BF’ing mothers group nor can I dispute the fact that there are lacto-nazi’s out there. But I can tell you why I went to these meetings, even though I wasn’t a SAHM, I did nurse my girls, but they got bottles too (and no natural disasters could actually be pinned on my decision to do that). But lactonazi’s aside, what these groups gave to me that other groups of women did not was a room full of woman who thought motherhood was the shit. I was desperately worried that I would bore my normal friends to tears with my endless questions and observations about how *utterly* amazing staring at your child while they observed sun light on a wall could be. But as a group, these were all women who all felt motherhood was a transformative experience. Through careful conversation and some secretly shared eye-rolls I found the members who were still whatever they had been before baby – but were just as mesmerized as I was over the minutia of baby life (and could still make the well conceived snarky comment about the scut work of the job).
It became easy for me to get a mental limo screen to avoid any small minded criticism about how much breast milk or breast time my child got each day. I did have to get tough with the more militant wackos (the ones that did more than the superior sniffing or evil eye), if they actually tried to engage me in a conversation about how I could do “better” .. I would first say “I cannot imagine why you would feel comfortable asking me about such a private matter”. If that didn’t work, and they continued, I’d just ask how many bj’s do you give to the Mr each week and don’t you think your depriving him by not blowing him on demand ? Honestly – enjoy the warmth of motherhood and let the lacto-nazi spin on their crunchy nipples.
When I was pregnant everyone asked me if I was going to breast feed my bubs. I decided not to because I could not keep weight on during my pregnancy. Logic… hello…if I cant keep weight on now how am I ever going to meet the demands of breast feeding. I swear if looks could kill I would be dead. Deep down to this day I still feel horrible I could not breast feed.
To make matters worse we went through so many different formulas trying to find one that did not constipate her. Every time I had to switch formulas it seemed like the entire world was telling me “breast is best”, “should have just breast fed”. Eventually I gave up explaining why I opted not to breastfeed and told everyone I was too vain to breast feed. haha!
Thank you for giving my wife a role model who isn’t perfect and doesn’t try to be. I believe too many moms swing for the fence, when the truth is our babies are highly adaptable to pretty much whatever comes their way.
I don’t understand why new moms who don’t have to work go and do it anyway. Can’t imagine much that would be more important than raising one’s own child.
“I don’t understand why new moms who don’t have to work go and do it anyway. Can’t imagine much that would be more important than raising one’s own child.”
Well, if there’s nothing more important than “raising one’s own child,” it seems perhaps the same question needs to be asked of dads. If your household can survive on one income, why should it be the female partner who stays home with the children? Couldn’t the mom go back to work, while the male partner stays home? After all, you said it yourself: “babies are highly adaptable to pretty much whatever comes their way.”
Yep, true in theory and it’s doable. Yet, as I witness the connection my wife and son have built together, I believe it best for the stay-home to be Mom, not Dad. You can’t fight nature, or rather, you shouldn’t. But of course there can be exceptions.
Here’s an idea – some of us mothers actually like to work. I find my job highly fulfilling, not to mention I spent years of my life building my career. I think that the person who stays home with the kids actually has the harder job and many days, my husband agrees. We often talk about switching roles, though when it comes down to it, he doesn’t take me up on the offer to take 2 weeks off and be with our boys, 2 and 5, full time, on a trial run. I wonder why?
I know he has a great bond with our kids and would be a fine Mr. Mom, while I wouldn’t mind taking on the role of provider, either. So far, we have worked out a system and I don’t think it would defy the laws of nature to switch it up a bit. There are plenty of examples in nature of males nurturing young (e.g. penguins, sea horses). Maybe we are one of these exceptions. Ultimately, I am thankful that he is a good dad and a good worker and that he doesn’t give me flak or pressure for working or not working. I am also glad that I have the choice to work part time and enjoy my kids, as well. This is what delayed gratification will get you, evidently.
I suggest you be the stay at home parent for about six months, and then you can answer your own question.
I bottle fed our first two kids because I have inverted nipples and friends convinced me that it would be difficult and painful to BF. I always wondered how my female ancestors fed their babies, but whatever. Then LaLeche League started getting lots of airtime and I really wanted to try it, so I breastfed my third for 20 months. I have to say, I have never been in a women’s group I liked better. My theory is that the prolactin hormones made everybody mellow. Anyhow, my daughter was a pro at nursing and I was a SAHM so could nurse on demand and I could’ve easily provided for twins. So much for the concern about inverted nipples. After the first year, it was mainly nursing her first thing in the morning and last thing at night, unless she was sick, then it picked up. She quit me one hot day and left me with two quarts of milk saying, “What th.. do I do now?” Like you, I still attended meetings for awhile, because I loved seeing the babies grow and uncertain young mothers gain confidence. That part was wonderful. The funny thing is, guess which of our three kids needed orthodonture, has asthma and weight problems as an adult? Somehow that didn’t work out as advertised, but you know what? I loved the experience. It did make for some powerful bonding, too. The girl still totally reads my mind.
Thank you. I really don’t know what else to say. I was unable to breastfeed from the very beginning w/ both my boys and I still feel guilty (youngest is 4 mos). I think you can make a strong argument for the “breast is best” campaign and the increase in post-partum depression. It’s so sad.
All good comments. But I think what’s missing is the after-effect. Look around you. Can you tell who was breastfed as a kid and who wasn’t? I bet you can’t. And you can’t tell who got a pacifier and who didn’t, who had a nightlight, who got solid food at four months and who at six.
Because all those “scientific reports” are scare tactics. The real truth is the answers to these questions don’t matter. I’ve never heard anyone who became a serial killer or got leukemia because they weren’t breastfed. I never heard anyone talk about what the Columbine kids were like from 0-2.
The behavior examples and love you give your kids is way more important for how they turn out. My parenting philosophy is: “You can never give your kids too much affection.”
I pump milk for my little guy (he’s 5 1/2 weeks old), when he was a week old, I gave him his first bottle of formula because he was hungry like every hour or so. I felt like a bad mom then and there, but at midnight and the baby’s screaming and no time to pump, what do I do? I had an ok supply until like a couple weeks ago, now I’m lucky to get 2oz a day. Baby had colic or something and I wasn’t taking care of myself or pumping like I should. I still pump basically so I won’t be lying whem people ask me about breastfeeding. “I pump breastmilk for him because he was sick when he was born and never latched properly.” I had someone tell me formula was poison to my face. I just smiled sweetly and nodded politely. Know what, almost all the fussiness went away when I started using mostly formula.
Great post Teresa. My wife and I planning for having a baby and we need a sane perspective so that the influx of baby information seems less daunting.
Oh Teresa, it most certainly was NOT because you were a working mom! I was a SAHM who had the time to luxuriously lounge around all day trying to breastfeed and STILL just didn’t produce enough milk! Around 3 months my poor son was losing weight and cranky – I remember the first time we fed him formula he wolfed it down like he’d been starving! Now how’s THAT for inducing guilt? I’m sure PLENTY of women in the olden days ALSO just couldn’t produce – even though it was “natural”. But back then the “natural” consequence happened – the baby died, of course. THANK goodness for the miracle of FORMULA! It made my son strong, healthy and super-smart!
He’s tall, lean, never had any serious illnesses or infections, and is in the gifted program at his elementary school. So much for all the scare tactics from the Leche Leaguers!
Teresa –
Several of my very awesome, smart, modern, progressive quasi-hippie gal friends did not nurse at all, or they nursed for a few weeks, or they nursed for just a couple of months.
Their kids are more than awesome…and so, too, are my friends’ marriages and other kinships, because bottles offer more caregivers the opportunity to bond with the babe.
Have no regrets!
Plus, with your important writing gig(s), you are modeling for Buster how to share the truth, and the truth is one of the best, if not the best, tinctures.
Oh thank you! This has really been on mind lately and you’ve just hit the nail on the head.
I love breastfeeding but it wasn’t easy to do for a myriad of reasons for me. Maybe if I didn’t have to work and could spend my time nursing whenever the hell my kids wanted to, it’d be different. I nursed my first child exclusively for 7 months and spent agonizing hours pumping and taking all of the herbs and would have 1 oz a day to show for it so I started supplementing. Then at 10 months I quit pumping and weaned her. I felt really bad about it for a long time.
With my second, who is now 4 months old, I knew I’d be more relaxed about it..fortunately. When she was 2 months old I found out that my husband had been having an affair for the previous 8 months. Formula became the least of my worries — I just needed to keep that baby fed anyway I could and breastfeeding was not possible.
At any rate, I thank you for pointing out that if it becomes so stressful as to make you a crabby, irritated, stressed out mom, what’s the damn point? Somethings you have to let go of for the sake of sanity and happiness and your child will thank you for it.
Are those open meetings?
Coincidentally, I just wrote a long tirade on my own blog about how guilty I feel about giving up breastfeeding (my daughter is the same age as your son), then came here to see this timely post. It reminded me again how effing INSANE Los Angeles mom culture can be about breastfeeding.
Hell, not just moms. My La Leche League-friendly sister-in-law just tried to talk me out of using formula, and she DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A KID.
I belong to a mommy group, btw, and am greatly looking forward to the expressions on their faces the first time I come to a playdate and proudly bust out the bottle.
Teresa-
You are amazing and I hope you addressed some of this in your book. I spent the first 7 weeks of my baby’s life crying. And not from postpartum…all because of breastfeeding. My daughter had recurrent jaundice. All because she couldn’t get enough milk from me. I did everything I was supposed to do but she was hospitalized, had a poor latch, and just failed to thrive at breastfeeding. Then, to top it off, she developed breastmilk jaundice which meant she was getting jaundiced FROM my breastmilk. Ugh. I finally decided to give it up at 7 weeks. I cried and cried and cried and hated myself for not being able to be the best mom for her. Like another commenter…I wish I had just supplemented with formula and ENJOYED MY BABY from the beginning. Maybe we all could have been more relaxed which might have helped things along. I will definitely be supplementing with baby #2.
This guilt that women face is out of control. I think that the more people like you are brave enough to discuss it, the easier it may get. I have considered writing a post like this for my own blog several times but…honestly…I’m afraid to face the haters! Maybe I’ll draw my own strength from your bravery.
As an anxious, guilt ridden, over-thinking worrier, I am so grateful for your relentless honesty. Despite my hard wiring, I have always wanted to be a mom and am currently “playing” (trying) with my lovely husband. I look forward to hating the park and constantly second-guessing myself. xoxo
I feel like breastfeeding has become such an all or nothing issue. As I prepared to go back to work when my daughter was 4 months old, I knew I didn’t want to pump at work. I’d pumped a little in the beginning to get the milk flowing and hated every second of it. I just knew trying to do it as work would be miserable.
All the breastfeeding literature stresses supply and demand. So, reasonably, if I weaned by daughter slowly enough, I should theoretically be able to breastfeed part time, right? Well it worked! I weaned her down to just a morning and evening feed and she got formula during the day. I went back to work at 5 months and continued with the part time breastfeeding until she was 13 months old. Go me!
I just hate that not ONE breastfeeding book or expert every hinted or suggested that as an alternative. So glad I was smart enough to figure it out on my own.
I nursed my son for 20 months (yeah, toward the end, it started getting a little weird…) I went back to work when he was 8 weeks old, and dutifully pumped until he was a year old, then we started with cow’s milk, and nursing became more of a comfort/coping strategy for my son, with a little nutrition thrown in.
I nursed my son for a long time simply because I could. I wasn’t particularly virtuous, and I didn’t have too work too hard at nursing. My son had a great latch almost from day one, and I generally had a good supply. There really wasn’t anything I did or didn’t do that made my nursing experience relatively easy, it just was. In all of the politics about breastfeeding, in all the shoulds and shouldn’ts, I think a lot of women lose sight of the simple fact that it is just easier for some women than it is for others. It’s unfair as hell, but dems da berries.
In my opinion, many of the factors which affect the ease or difficulty a woman experiences are completely beyond her control. The guilt that’s heaped on women who can’t nurse at all or for as long as they had hoped is therefore especially cruel.
While I’m a big cheerleader for breastfeeding and it makes me a little sad when a woman won’t even try to breastfeed, I’m glad more women are speaking out about their choices, because there needs to be a lot more compassion and understanding. The article at the link below appeared in a recent issue of Redbook; you might find it interesting.
http://lifestyle.msn.com/your-life/family-parenting/article.aspx?cp-documentid=24065079#atoolb
http://www.redbookmag.com/kids-family/advice/breastfeeding-advice
I watched people on Facebook blow up about this part of the article as part of a kellymm.com discussion, including comments insinuating anyone who had a moment feeling trapped by the boob as one who shouldn’t have had kids. Um, all breastfeeding moms have at least a moment like that.
I decided to breastfeed for 2 major reasons- I have a super immune system and never catch anything and, well, women were made to breastfeed.
After hitting up a breastfeeding class, we had all sorts of those inflated ideads in our heads.
This little article was a lot more honest than my class, and I wish I had seen it sooner. I am far from a lacto-nazi (loved that word!) and think that anything is better than nothing, but the most important thing is that you feed your child and take care of it, and take care of you too.
Hi Teresa,
Sorry to leave a post here unrelated to your blog–but I do think you are a great writer! Just hoping to get you a message based on the Carolla podcast with Jib Jab where you were talking about giving Polanski a pass for having sex with a 13 year old because his pregnant wife was murdered…8 years before that. I just wanted to point out –and I didn’t know this myself until some radio show horrifyingly acted out the transcripts of the girl’s testimony–that he raped the 13 year old. He didn’t get charged because she didn’t fight back hard enough–she said she was scared. Plus he had given her champagne and a qualude…not sure how many 13 year olds (or adults for that matter) could fight back in that state against someone 3 times her age and 10 times as strong. He forced her to have sex while she said “no” and “please stay away from me.” Then when he found out this 13 year old wasn’t on birth control, he raped her anally.
Since the transcripts were released, feel free to check them out for yourself. Does he still get a pass, for something that happened to him 8 years before that? Even if it was just after the murder…if something horrible happens to you does it give you carte blanche to rape a 13 year old?
Like I said, I didn’t realize the facts of the case either, I thought he had just had sex with a very young, but willing, girl. So now that I know, I thought you might want to know too before you keep going on record him a “pass.”
Thanks for reading/listening, and sorry to be a bummer! I just feel really sickened by that whole case. I’m sure it’s partly because I have a 12 year old daughter that looks 14…I just pray she doesn’t encounter any Polanski’s in her life.
Love Love LOVE your podcast! I also love this post about the guilt associated with breastfeeding. I tried nursing my twins for five months. They had weak latches and were never able to remove milk effectively. Needless to say, it was five months full of stress, guilt, internet research (bad idea), LLL meetings, hospital grade pump rentals, lactaction consultants… you name it. Misery. If I really let myself think about it too much, it would make me so sad that I didn’t just let it go early on and enjoy my babies more.
I’ve been telling all my mommy friends about your podcast. You and Lynette keep up the good work!
This post comes at an interesting time, because my husband and I were just reminiscing last night about my now-4-and-a-half-year-old who was admitted to the hospital at 3 days old with dehydration, because my milk hadn’t come in yet. My husband was reminding me that the doctor gave us an odd look, like we were child abusers. I said to my husband, had I known then what I know now, I would have just given him some f*ing formula. But the breastfeeding advocates were all, “nipple confusion!” and “all the baby needs the first few days is colostrum!” Well, my newborn baby’s blue cracked lips and listless demeanor begged to differ. My milk did finally come in the next day, and I went on to nurse him for 16 months. Related story #2: I had to go back to work when this same baby was 3 months old. By the time he was 6 months old, I was so completely stressed out because I wasn’t pumping enough milk to keep up with what he was drinking while I was gone, that I was practically ripping my hair out. Finally I realized, not only do lots of babies drink solely formula from the get-go and do fine, but at 6 months old babies are starting to try solid foods. What is the difference really between formula and any other sort of solid food? So I finally loosened up a little and just pumped as much as I could and made up the difference with formula. With my second child, I had learned my lesson and did that from the start with her. It was a much less stressful experience, for sure.
I think we mothers already feel enough guilt about everything, and these so-called experts need to stop giving us more reasons to feel guilty.
Becky – I could have written your post! My now 9-month old was also taken to the ER at 3 days old – same exact thing! Felt so friggin’ guilty and had no idea I was allowed to give formula. I felt really relieved to read your post just now – thanks for sharing.
Signed,
A Happy Hybrid nurser/pumper/formula-giver
ultimately, it boils down to this:
what is best for the mama IS what is best for the baby.
and formula is not satanic.
if popping out your boob and feeding buster 10,000 times a day is making you miserable, then you should stop. without guilt.
the martyrdom of motherhood is dangerous — it is a festering breeding ground of self-congratulatory hysteria — and i’m happy that you were able to figure this out so soon.
I would hardly consider breast-feeding falling into martyrdom. Popping out your boob 100X a day is way easier than preparing bottles, running out to buy formula, making sure you bring water and bottles and formula on every outing and then bottle-feeding 100X a day.
Speak for yourself.
Hi Nadia -
I’m referring to all of the things that mamas do at the expense of themselves, not breastfeeding.
Actually, for me, breastfeeding is ridiculously convenient, and I am nursing my 2 year old and 7 month old. I do it because it’s free and formula is expensive, AND because sometimes sticking out my boob and soothing a toddler is easier than doing anything else.
However, for those mamas who do not enjoy nursing, and who are getting no benefit from it, nursing IS a form of martyrdom.
Even as I write this, I am stranded in my glider, tethered to my pump. My daughter is seven weeks old, and she and I have been struggling with breastfeeding from day one. Every two hours, I nurse her, but because my supply is low for some reason I’m told can’t be physiological, I have to top her off with a bottle of formula, which makes me feel horrible. Then I have to pump. What little milk I get, I save for my husband to give her for the one feeding per day I allow myself to sleep through. By the time I finish the cycle, I have about fifteen minutes to wash my breast shields, stuff a granola bar in my face and pee. Then we start all over again.
Like you, I had to work. At least I felt I had to work. I’m a college professor, and I didn’t feel comfortable letting someone take over my classes mid-semester, so I continued teaching online. My husband is pissed off at me for not taking full maternity leave so I could devote myself to nursing. He’s convinced that I don’t make enough milk because I don’t eat and drink enough water. So he watches me and shoves a glass of water in whichever of my hands is free for 30 seconds. I find his pro-breastfeeding stance particularly ironic because he was a 100% formula baby, and he’s not sickly, mentally retarded, morbidly obese or a serial killer. I wouldn’t have married him if he was. Come to think of it, if I’d known he wasn’t breastfed, that might have been a deal breaker. As a 100% breastfed baby, I wouldn’t want my genes mixing with such inferior stock.
I’m not usually a fan of quitters, but God bless you for stepping off the treadmill to preserve your sanity. Some day soon, I might find the courage to do the same. I’m willing to bet that you have more time to cuddle Buster, and you enjoy it more. He will never know the difference, and he, like every child who is loved, will think his mommy walks on water.
My boy is just at 5 months and we are still plugging along with the nursing. I’m so happy that it’s working out for us as long as it has. I fully anticipated struggling to make it to three months, but I somehow have the milk supply to feed twins. I’m thankful for that. I read this awful book called “Nursing Mother, Working Mother” before going back to work full-time. The tone was definitely, “Poor you, you can’t afford to stay home with your child. The least you can do to compensate for the lack of solid bonding is pump him some milk.” I really hated that book.
Kudos to you for giving up the guilt. I went crazy about trying to have a natural birth and went to 36 whopping hours of birthing classes, only to get an epidural because, well, that shit hurts. Bad. I felt so guilty about it until I realized that my son was just fine and so was I. It’s hard to deal with so many expectations.
I just stumbled on The Parent Experiment and am looking forward to checking it out.
You might be crazier than Danny Bonaduce.
That’s pretty funny, just because it’s true.
Even though I nursed my daughter for a year, I felt guilty about giving her a bit of formula once in a while. And now that she’s two, I feel guilty for letting her watch too much Elmo/not spending enough time outdoors/allowing her to have muffins even if she didn’t finish her meal/not teaching her two languages/letting her sleep in our bed/etc/etc. It never ends! But deep down, I think we’re both doing a bloody good job.
Lovely post, Teresa, and brave–so many people find it easier to judge others because they can’t deal with the fact that they fear the same judgment themselves. I am not a mother, and I don’t have any plans to be, but I read your blog because you bring such a thoughtful, intelligent, witty take–on motherhood, yes, but also on “womanhood”–on the pressures we all seem to put on one another in an effort to deflect the scrutiny we fear will come from “everyone else.”
Thanks for the honesty you bring to all of your posts. Looking forward to reading the book in 2011. That, in itself, is a worthwhile endeavor–one that Buster would never fault you for undertaking.