At least I didn't take one of these.
I was full of pronouncements before I had this baby.
While new moms seemed to whine incessantly about not having time to shower, in a triumph of will and excellent planning, I was going to be the impeccably groomed mother of a newborn. I would make time for blow-outs and pedicures and basic hygiene, because I’m vain, own 17 tubes of lip gloss, refuse to wear too-tight Juicy Couture sweat pants and be all sacrifice-y and bland.
Cut to me sitting around in my own filth with breast milk stains on my husband’s giant plaid shirt, spit-up on my jeans and hair so dirty that when I finally went to the salon, the hairdresser asked me, with more genuine curiosity than disdain, “How long has it been since you’ve washed your hair?”
“Maybe four days?” I lied, before playing the new mom card. And there I was, in that second, manifesting the cliché and flying right in the puffy face of my own naïve declaration. On top of which, I had to ask the hairdresser to hurry it up, the sitter was waiting. The sitter was waiting. This is my life now. I’m this person.
It’s not unusual for me to take a hooker shower in front of the bathroom sink with a couple of baby wipes and almost no shame.
Like I said, I made a lot of pronouncements.
I also proclaimed I would never be one of those moms who has entire conversations about my child’s poop. So, last night I Googled “green poop” on my iPhone while nursing and have now had lengthy conversations with several moms about the causes and potential dangers of green poop. (Just so you know, poop is only concerning if it’s white, black or red, according to Babycenter.com.)
Now, I get it, I get the poop talk. As a new mom, I’m just trying to do right by Buster and he is very limited in his modes of communication. At ten weeks old, he has to let his poop do the talking. We have even photographed the green poop, lest our idea of green and our pediatrician’s differ. Mint green? Forest green? Mossy green? Let’s break out or camera and show you the exact hue. On my camera, there is more than one picture of my child’s poop. This is my life now. I’m this person.
To anyone who would listen, I announced that you would never catch me in any kind of Mommy and Me bullshit, or one of these New Moms support groups at the Pump Station. Now, I’m desperate to fit one into my schedule. If you have been a mother for even one day longer than I have, you know things I don’t and you have things to teach me. Whereas I used to assume I would never fit in with women who would populate these classes, that I would never be one of the stroller lugging mom masses who give a shit about the tensile strength of swaddle cloths or the most effective diaper cream, now I just want some more mom friends. These days, it’s not unusual for me to practically molest moms I see on the street, at restaurants, anywhere, peppering them with questions: Do you like that baby carrier? Does it hurt your back? How long did you breast feed? How long does your baby sleep? When did she start sleeping through the night? What exactly is a Sleep Sheep? Did your baby ever get a rash on her cheeks? What pediatrician do you go to?
I start feverishly taking notes about whatever sleep schedule DVD or book she says was the magical sleep maker. I buy it all.
When I get a mom in my clutches that seems to have her shit together, I don’t stop at the easy questions, I pry her for information about vaccines and anything else she seems open enough to reveal.
Just like the new kid in school who is trying to fit in, I’m starting to inch up to the mom crowd, to figure out what they wear and how they act and think. The clerk at the Pump Station told me that the Monday afternoon support group is empty, because all the moms go the Mommy and Me movie over at the Grove that day. Get there early on Tuesdays, she added, because it’s standing room only. And I realize, the moms travel in a flock, and maybe I’d be better off getting in formation than flying solo.
If I go where they go, maybe I can learn what they know. Part of me is still wary of joining, because I want to do everything my own way, but I’m starting to think my own way sucks and that there is an inherent wisdom to the flock. Besides, in every social situation I’ve ever been in, I always find the one other girl who feels like a complete outsider and we become friends, even if that bond is at least in part based on judging everyone else who seems happier and better adjusted.
What I’m saying is this: yes, I am sitting here in public (very public, at the Public Library, in fact, where a girl can look homeless and stink a little without bothering any of the registered sex offenders) wearing what is really kind of a nightgown with ankle socks and sneakers. This is my life now. I don’t even care. I’d rather not run into any ex-boyfriends, but essentially I don’t care.
I said a lot of things before.
I said I would never use a picture of my child as my profile photo anywhere, because I would rather lose my identity in more subtle ways. While I’ve resisted, my cell phone wallpaper photo is just Buster, no me, no dad, just the boy. That is a gateway baby photo, which can only lead to more serious use of the baby’s picture to stand in for my own. It’s happening.
Only stone cold bores and anti-intellectual twats spoke for their infants, imbuing them with all kinds of adult thoughts and feelings they could never, ever possess, the way a spinster announces that Mr. Fluffy loves “Friday Night Lights” but doesn’t care for the sound of the mailman’s voice. That would never be me, I said.
That was before my soul took a dip in maternal hormones and dried off only to find it appropriate to say, “Buster has a crush on you” or “Buster is flirting with you” or “Buster loves Jimmy Page guitar solos” or “Buster just can’t wait to see grandpa” or “Buster feels so dapper in his cardigan” or “Buster just loves his bath.” Like I know what the fuck that guy thinks or feels.
The fact is: I don’t show shit. I literally don’t know shit about shit.
I don’t know why poop is green or if it matters, I don’t know what goes on in my child’s mind, if anything, or how best to plan his nap and feeding schedule so he sleeps through the night, or when to stop swaddling him or what causes a baby rash or if I should really stop eating milk or nuts or soy or whether he really needs all of his vaccines on one day or if he’s fussier than other babies or cries more or sleeps less or if, in fact, he is totally average. Do I hold him too much or not enough? I just don’t know.
It’s like I met a guy, fell in love at first sight, flew to Vegas to get married that day, and woke up a couple of months later to find I was madly in love with a stranger.
I know I love the child, because when I listen to John Denver songs and look down at him I cry right onto his onesie with a feeling of euphoria I can only call narcotic (later I cry because my stomach still hurts from the C-section and I just want to put him down, but he needs to be rocked all the livelong day).
Yeah, I’m certain I love him, I just don’t know him, or if there is much to know. I’m not totally sure how to make him happy yet, or how best to care for him, so until I get that down, which may be never, all of my pronouncements are out the window.
When he smiles up at me in the morning, squirming on his changing table, it’s like a shot of morphine right to my heart. I spend the rest of the day chasing the dragon.
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Tags: Craziness, motherhood
Well said. Your posts are a treat; it’s nice to hear from someone that wasn’t planning on being “that mom”, but accidentally did. My daughter is now 4 months old and I never thought i’d be that chick that says “who’s so (insert something grossly cute here)?”, all the while wiping green poop from her ass. But here I am, and thank goodness! It only gets better when they start to laugh and aren’t so scary and can play with a toy for a while…ah, simple pleasures. I loved the previous post too. Also had a section, and that first crap involved a heap of humility, a sacrificed spatula, and the man running for emergency plunger. Good times. How the hell did I get here and what did I ever do before now? Keep the posts coming!
I love the last line… it is so true. But I have yo say that my baby is 13 weeks and I have showered every day of her life and am even back to a full time job. You need to put buster down in his crib after his first feeding in the morning and GO SHOWER! If he cries, it is ok. He will be fine! It will do you a workd of good to shower more frequently and if you are better.. the baby will know it too!
T – thanks for another post, and thanks for your continuing work on Carolla’s podcast, it’s always a treat to hear you weigh in on topics with the Aceman.
For future reference, when your son is older, green poop is also caused by grape koolaid or grape soda. Not sure how a kid’s body turns purple to green, but it does!
Oh please, Theresa, can we be outsider mom buds together? My daughter is one week older than Buster and I am trapped in Studio City with few mom friends. I feel weird going to the Grove by myself for the Mom & Me movie. I need new mom pals who are as clueless as I am.
Sorry, I must run. The dog is french-kissing the baby while she plays in her bouncy seat.
T,
My boys are 23,25 and 27 and I am still in love with them. I am not enjoying falling in love with grandchildren. The latest is 6 months and my first girl.
What we experience with our babies lasts a lifetime. I still hear things from my boys such as ‘Mom, do you remember when…..’ And of course I remember. Each and every day the memories fill my soul with such joy. As they start families og their own it is wonderful to see them feeling the same joys in their lives.
There were very few dinners that went by without us all together. Never a day without lots of hugs and kisses and ‘I love you’s’. There are times when I want it all back and other times when I am so glad that I am not!
T, relax and enjoy each moment.
it’s funny how having kids forces you to stumble into a cliche you so feverishly avoided. ya get what you need, i guess… ya get what you need.
(and mick would probably agree – showering’s optional anyway.)
sugar mama
p.s. my cell phone photo is my oldest picking his nose with a lollipop. ya get what you need indeed. xo
Aww, love your little man. My baby boy is 10 months old now and I can’t believe how the time has flown. Remember, you can’t spoil a newborn! Hold him or wear him all the livelong day!!! A swing by fisher price saved my sanity in those early weeks. He actually slept in it until 5 months..do you have one?
ha ha ha ha!!! My daughter was about a year old when I read your early pronouncements… something about punching new moms in their defeated faces… ?! Being a new mommy is well, all about the baby, isn’t it?
I have been yearning for a new post!!! Yay! This post was worth the wait–what a gem.
I can totally relate to what you are feeling in regards to wanting to be around other moms and feeling like an outsider. I am 37 and pregnant with my first child. I’m 18 weeks and am scared shitless. I don’t really enjoy most people but I have been so nervous about the whole pregnancy/first-time mom thing that I started going to a prenatal yoga class. I don’t really talk to any of the preggies because I don’t feel like I belong, so I mostly just eavesdrop on their conversations and try to soak up as much as I can about things like the Bradley Method, natural vs. epidural, flameless candles in the delivery room, etc. After hearing them rave about the baby yoga class some of them attended with their other children, I’m starting to actually consider joining it after I give birth! This is SO not me!
Thanks for the new post. You’re such an amazing, honest writer and I’m always floored by your insight. Keep ‘em coming.
You said it. We adopted 3 and 4 year old foster brothers and their infant brother who was 2 months old because he was part of the deal. I never felt the need to have a baby but our “baby” is now three years old and I am so completely wrapped around his finger. Wait until you get to the point where Buster moves up to underwear. You are so proud and it has to do with pooping and peeing in a toilet. I don’t recognize myself.
I am a father of one, I know I am not a mommy, but I have to act as one, shortly after my gf had our child she was killed in a car accident. Anyway, I loved reading this, and thank your for sharing your view.
I know exactly how you feel when you get up in the morning and the little one smiles up at you.
Keep up the great writing. And I will keep reading.
Awesome post T – I laughed – I cried !
I’m sure you’re on to the notion as so many others have said that there simply are very few “right” answers because we aren’t birthing clones. Right is a three way street at your casa – it’s whatever creates mojo for Buster, Batman and T.
I’ve found (and continue to find) the advice of other parents to be crucial in figuring out what “right” is for me, yep – even when they are teenagers – you’re still up nights wondering how you could possibly have gotten this far without knowing shit about shit. But in my software engineer brain, the advice I typically seek out are the ‘edges’ of the answer continuum – I try to find a parent who might need to be bailed from jail or cajoled to drop the crack pipe long enough to spit out a pearl of wisdom for one edge and a Mom who I feel started an elaborate scrapbook in the delivery room, has recorded every milestone as to date, time and GPS co-ordinates, and has never had a baby laundry stain they just tossed in the trash defeated … and I ask my question and use their responses as sort of parental bots dots – I try to drive between them without actually hitting either edge. I truly hope when not cracking wise for our enjoyment that you know on a deep and fundamental level that Buster hit the mother-father super lotto. His life will provide all of you with joy unfettered.
Hugs,
sheila
Fantastic, funny, and a little frightening (I don’t have kids, yet)! Thank you!
Ah, a new post. I’ve been suffering from cold sweats waiting for my next fix of baby exploitation. I’ve never commented on a post before, but this excerpt has inspired me to do just that: “It’s like I met a guy, fell in love at first sight, flew to Vegas to get married that day, and woke up a couple of months later to find I was madly in love with a stranger”
It’s a great analogy and it reminded of the time back in 2007 when you were on a first date that was going so well and, while Jameson-influenced, decided to drive to Vegas and get married, only to sober up 45 minutes into the drive and change your mind. I loved that story and this just reminded me of it and I got a laugh. I know you’re a busy mom now and don’t have as much time to post anymore, but your writing is always entertaining and a nice little escape from the office.
I’m sure you will be an amazing mother, I only wish that my mom was more like you growing up.
Good Luck, T.
Great post!!!! My bebe is 14 weeks and I am in the same boat-hooker showers, sleep sheep and all!!! He is the best thing in the world though and I wouldn’t have it any other way…
Teresa!
Love this post! Of course, you are so spot-on everything! Sounds like you are loving being a new Mom and all of the fun stuff that comes with it. The poop talk doesn’t end either as they get older..my 3 1/2 year old (who is getting over being sick) told me yesterday that I need to watch her poo because her poop looks like “mud puddles”. Ah yes, and I have to say that was pretty accurate as I was forced to look at it while I was wiping her little bum. Years ago I would have thought that was just disgusting..but, as a Mommy, I will be there for her as long as she needs me to be.
Buster is a lucky little guy to have such a loving and caring Mommy.
All I can say is “Awwwww”! I’m 31 weeks and have been reading your blog for a while. I love your transformation.
I’m not a mom or expecting mom, but I found this blog VERY amusing! Thank you for this. I work for a company that is all about the “mommy” type and it’s nice to see not all moms are like that.
xo Best of luck to you and your shit
Hi T,
It’s me, Beth from Fox 5. I love your blog and I saw you on Dr. Phil..
Welcome to the mommy club! My boys are 10 and 5 and I still feel like you most of the time. BTW is your boys name “Buster” or that’s just what you are calling him. Either way I love it
xoxo
Hi Teresa,
I am 35 weeks and I love your blog!
I don’t know shit about shit either and I am apprarently having a baby boy in a few weeks. When I read about your experience, it makes me feel more confident in my parenting abilities.
Keep writing in between your hooker showers!
I love this post. As a mom of 2, I always laugh and laugh when pregnant ladies make ‘pronouncements’, (usually I laugh on the inside though not always). It all goes out the window when the little comes along.
Getting to know other moms SAVED me when I had my first. New moms don’t know shit about shit so it helps to have someone show you the ropes or at least tell you what they did. Now I have a tween (and a preschooler) and I still feel clueless a lot of the time and ask other moms for advice.
FYI, the second one is a breeze compared to the first. It is not such a mystery and hey, you lived through it once so you can do it again.
That’s my 2 cents.
Wow, this captures exactly how I feel as a new mom. Great post.
Weelicious? Holy crap. I’m going to blog about that site I think. You Do Not Like This.
Hey dear love. 13 years ago I wanted to know everything that everyone knew, and wondered how they ever thought about anything prior to having kids.
That makes me sound old. I’m not.
Anyhoo, normally the green poops meant not enough hindmilk. I was watching the clock too much and switching sides when the clock said so, rather than (I am stuck here trying to not be too nursemaid on you in public)… when it was actually time.
Email me anytime; I made it out alive (so far)…
T!
So glad to read your new post. There is a saying “Before I had kids, I had 6 rules to raising kids. Now I have 6 kids, and no rules.” I don’t know about you, but I had no idea that when you become a parent, your DNA gets all mixed up and mixed around. You’re never quite the same. And all the ideas you had about being a parent or raising a child just go out the window. Its funny how such a little person can have such a massive influence on how you think and feel.
My girl is just a few weeks older than Buster and we’re in the neighborhood. Let’s get together!
Catie
Best writing ever about new parenthood. Let your hair go dirty (encouraging note: lice like clean hair, not dirty) if that means you’ll have more time to write in this blog. (And I smell a book deal in the works if the collapsing publishing industry has any sense left.) I feel exactly the same way about the morning smiles, they are a crazy powerful drug!
Thanks for the new post T. Keep on poopin’ Buster. Keep on keepin’ on Batman.
I totally understand! After the birth of my first, I had a few wavering weeks of “this won’t change my life”, then a headfirst crash & burn, then “I surrender!” and eventually realized this new life wasn’t so bad. Though the learning curve is pretty steep sometimes, as I have relived through your vivid descriptions.
I also wanted to say Hurrah to two things you mentioned on Adam Carolla’s podcast – 1, that you’re wiser than Babywise. The book is crap. 2, that you’re not a spanking parent. Here in the deep South there are many of us who aren’t spankers either, though we were spanked soundly and often. Breakin’ the chain, baby.
Oh, Teresa. You are so funny. I love your blog <3
Poop…a mom’s never ending subject! I have a 9 & 6 year old. To this day when one of my girls comes to me complaining about a belly ache, the first thing I ask them is if they need to go poop! HA! You will never know everything…just trust your instincts. I learn things about my girls daily…that’s the best part! Enjoy this time with Buster…he’ll teach you everything you need to know about him! He’ll let you know when it’s time for him to eat, sleep and yes, even poop!
Miss you on the radio, but LOVE reading about your journey!
All the best to you and your beautiful family!
Stac
For what it’s worth, green poop is frequently caused by red food dye. For example, when I was nursing my daughter I drank cherry Kool-aid and her poop turned out neon green about 4 hours later. Fortunately she was my second child and I didn’t quite freak out as much. Good luck!
Ditto the forums at mothering.com if you’re going for that crunchy type of motherhood.
Green poop can be a sign of foremilk/hindmilk imbalance, like summertime said. Here’s a good article about green poop: http://www.mother-2-mother.com/cc-baby-A.htm. You probably already know about it, but Kellymom is the mecca of breastfeeding advice. http://www.kellymom.com. My son is 19 months old and has weaned, but I still find some random reason to visit Kellymom once or twice a week. They also have forums that are very helpful.
I’ve been eager for an update from the fabulous T, and this one certainly delivered. Much continued happiness to you and yours!
If you ever figure out the secret to knowing shit about shit, let me know. My twins are 6 and I still know very little about much of anything. I do think, though, that you shouldn’t stress yourself out about sleep schedules this early. I know some people swear by the Babywise Schedule Nazi, and more power to them if it works for them. It wasn’t my cup of tea. I read Weisbluth’s Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child (I think that’s the title) and it clicked with me so we used it and it worked out spectacularly. My kids have lots of issues, thanks in large part to my horrific parenting, but sleep is not one of them…thanks to Weisbluth. But we’re all different. You find out what works for you and run with it. And have fun! As the great Jimmy Buffett sang, “If we couldn’t laugh, we would all go insane.”
Welcome to the club, Bubbeleh!
xox
You might want to check out the forum at Mothering magazine: http://www.mothering.com/discussions/
You are one damn funny woman, and brilliant to boot. No wonder the Ace loves you so. I don’t know if you get my tweets when I reply to yours, but you need to get Buster one of these: http://mashable.com/2009/12/03/twoddler/. (or not)
T- I love you.
Nice post T. You must be on step 6 by now.
A Dad’s perspective:
There’s no best answer for everything, only good/bad ideas. Things that you mentioned that we found that worked for our first kid (2.5 yrs) and our new one (3 mos):
Slings: (no matter what he says, Batman CAN wear your baby. I’m 6′6″ and these both work for me)
Moby Wrap – cheap and great, just hard to figure out at first. They sleep for hours in it though.
Ergo Baby carrier – expensive and great, comfortable and easy to wear front or back. Good for bigger kids too.
Diaper cream: Weleda. They make good stuff.
Green poop: For our new one, we think it was caffeine. As soon as my wife cut it off completely the green went away.
Vaccines: Dr. Sears and his son wrote a book that we liked that explained what was in the vaccines, what the benefits and dangers were and presented out a few sample schedules for the reader to think about. Not preachy.
I can relate to the “love him but don’t know him” stuff, I feel the same way. It was the same with our daughter. When they start talking and realizing what they’re saying it gets about 1000 times better. You’ll become one of those people that tells everyone all of the cute stuff that Buster says, and there will be plenty. Luckily other parents will eat it up.
I can recommend a baby sleep consultant (yes, they exist) that worked for us with our daughter if you’re really interested.
Good luck finding your flock. Enjoy the ride.
Welcome to the club.
Enjoyed your latest blog. I am so glad god made me sans Vagina, but so glad he (or she, for that matter) gave you one. Parenting is such a journey. Thank you for sharing yours with us.
T, my baby is 6 weeks and 4 days old, and I am right there with you. I’ve slept probably ten solid hours in the past two days; in that same amount of time, I’ve been pooped, peed, and puked on; I’m always hungry, I look like hell, and I don’t care in the least, because this little guy owns my soul. Despite playing “mom” to five younger siblings, and despite having worked a daycare job while I was in high school, I’ve discovered that I know shit about shit when it comes to being a parent, and it really comes down to guesswork most of the time (my baby pooped orange this morning–what’s THAT about???), but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
I too had a list of things I would never do once my daughter was born, and most of that stuff went out the window.
I hate to tell you, but you think you can’t get enough of Buster now…it gets worse when their little personality comes through. My daughter is 18 months old, and I love making her laugh and hearing her repeat new words for the first time.
I highly suggest getting “The Vaccine Book” by Dr. Rob Sears. There is a lot of great information in there, and it even contains a delayed/selective schedule. It also lists the ingredients of each manufactures vaccines, so I was able to inquire which one my pediatrician used, and I could ask him to order a different one if need be.
So true. Being a mom is humbling in so many ways. I have two kids now, which just compounds the “saying things you swore you’d never say” issue. I went out to dinner with my former coworkers this week and had nothing to say to them, because they don’t care about feeding my baby or potty training my toddler or what gross thing one (or both) of the kids wiped on my sleeve that day. But I love it all anyway. Most of the time.
Find a moms group. It’s the only way you’re going to make it through this with any semblance of sanity intact.
Oh, and congrats on your little guy!
you should check out http://www.weelicious.com
it’s catherine Mccord’s website…a los feliz mommy..and she used to host loveline on mtv with Adam.
narcissism at its worst
I really miss you and Adam in the morning but now get my fix of you anyway reading your blog. Just wait until that first smile in the morning combines with pulling oneself up in the crib and a semi confident ma ma, (da da of course in my case), it doesn’t get much better.
Wonderfully put. Currently 21 weeks pregnant, I vow to never use the term “Luke’s mommy” as a username. We’ll see how long that lasts.
As always, such a great post. I think you about summed it up, the new mom-ness. My son is almost two, and it doesn’t change. You’re always looking for new information as they grow, and trying to get it as “right” as you can. One thing I did learn is that “right” is definitely different for all babies, moms, families.
And the green poop thing– The thin milk that comes out at the beginning has more sugar. Sugar = green poop. I had a bit of an oversupply issue so my son filled up on the thin milk (he also ate constantly, because he never got down to the fatty fill-em-up stuff). I can’t for the life of me remember how we fixed it, but you might try researching oversupply.