It's Just a Stretch Mark, You Big Dummy.
I have a stretch mark.
This is not a big deal. Or rather, I wish I were a person for whom this was not a big deal, but after spending two hours online last night in the wee hours looking at pictures of stretch marks and doing research, I realize I do not subscribe to the Warrior Woman thing about “my trophy” and “all worth it” and “this was my baby’s home for nine months.” Fuck that.
Did I mention I just have the one? Still, it’s red and loud like a blinking, broken arrow, an arrow pointing right to the place where my vanity lives, a tenant I expected to be evicted and replaced by nurturing, maternal “don’t care how I look because I’m so in love with motherhood” lady. Whether depth and vanity can share a pad without finishing off each other’s peanut butter and taking poor phone messages, I have no idea.
I just know I took a long look at the mark in the mirror in the middle of the night and I had a choking, irrational cry.
Moreover, most women get a rush of stretch marks right about now, just before birth, and I can see several more appearing on the left side of my stomach, crouching, laying in wait to ambush my collagen and confidence.
Life just feels like what happens while I wait for more stretch marks. My goddamn dermis is like a ticking time bomb.
If you search long enough, you can find anything online, like sites that encourage moms to post pictures of their bellies, with or without stretch marks, and tell their stories. It was all very disturbing, the women who looked like they had been clawed across the abdomen by a giant, angry bear and their own genetics. I want to find them valiant, but just see my own mother, practically disfigured by groups of chunky, textured, silvery marks. It never seemed to bother her much, which made it bother me more, and maybe the entire process of looking in the mirror and seeing my mother triggers a deep Freudian crisis.
There were the photos, too, of the women who escaped unscathed, not a mark on their bellies. Well, goooooood for you, said my mind in the quiet calm of the Koreatown night, goooood for you. Like Christian Bale yelling at his DP, gooooood for youuuuuuuuuuuu snidely said my mind.
I worry about big things, too.
I worry all the time about the baby being born deaf or blind or not making it at all. I worry that I have tempted fate with my Diaper Champ and hand-me-down crib and drawers full of onesies, as if to say to the universe that I take it for granted I will get a healthy baby. A few times a day, I flash on an image of myself sitting alone in the nursery I was scared to furnish, hugging the orange dinosaur my mom knitted, crying in the corner because of some unspeakable tragedy rendering all of this baby stuff useless. The whole thing is extra poignant, rows of baby socks with no tiny feet to put in them. I know, it’s twisted, but don’t accuse me of only worrying about the stupid shit.
Don’t worry. As a Jew, I have enough room in my heart for all levels of anxiety. The shelves are stocked with sizes from XS to XXL.
When the doctor first told me the baby was “frank breech,” meaning head up and rump down, I was bummed about needing a scheduled C-section, disappointed about the controlled calm of appointment birthing. No water breaking at Starbucks, manic drive to the hospital, no ice chips and sweating and gruesome rite of passage labor story.
Now I think, why the fuck did labor seem like such a mystical adventure?
I just want this kid out so I can sleep on my back without suffocating, roll over in bed without sounding like Fred Sanford, not be congested anymore, smoke a couple cigarettes on a Friday night or when I’m writing and need to feel like Norman Mailer. I want to drink a freezing cold martini, take a Xanax, fit into my shoes, schedule toxic beauty treatments. Most of all, I want to be done wondering if the kid is alright, if he’ll survive his journey out of my body, if I did a good enough job carrying him for these past nine months, if he got all his Omega fatty acids and protein and Folic and fat and brain stimulation. Like probably everyone who is 39 weeks pregnant for the first time, I’m ready for this to be over. I just want to hold my baby.
Maybe for now, for right now, as I await either a C-section in a few days – or a vaginal birth if Buster suddenly decides to right himself – it’s easier to focus on one single stretch mark. There’s only so far it can rip you apart.
This facile psychological interpretation not only buys me a one-way ticket to obvious-ville, it makes me look so much better than a woman who hyperventilates over a stretch mark or two.
Or maybe a stretch mark freak out is simply that. The fact is these suckers are truly irreversible, and I just need a second to process.
They can send a man to the moon, transplant a human face, smash an atom with a linear accelerator, air-condition a condo in Phoenix, make sure you always know exactly where you are in space with a $200 GPS the size of a wallet. Yet they can’t really do much about the scars of motherhood.
Every transition involves a loss, even if you are blessed enough to find yourself pregnant and on the eve of motherhood and the luckiest darn 39 year-old alive, there is still something left behind, and even if that something is just a silly old image of yourself in a bikini looking like Phoebe Cates in “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” (which you never, ever did) one thing gives way to another and it can’t hurt to stop and waive goodbye.
In my own way, I have to sit shiva, grieve a bit for what was and allow myself to be fully and fairly terrified and inspired by what’s coming. That or just get some self-tanner. Both are miracles.
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Tags: Chemicals, Pregnancy, Regret, stretch marks
Mazel tov on the arrival!!
T and Batman,
Congrats on your darling boy Nathaniel James “Buster”. He is an unbelievably gorgeous infant. You gave him a wonderful and dignified name even if to those of us who followed EMB religiously he will always be “Buster”. I hope you are all home and wonderful and basking in the glow of your success and joy.
Sheila
hey sheila, where did you see pictures of nathaniel?
Holy asskisser…
Teresa,
Try rubbing olive oil on your tummy. I heard it helps w/ stretch marks and is worth a try.
Yeah if you hate stretch marks wait until you see the scar from your c-section! say goodbye to bikinis forever!
Hi, T.
In regards to your stretch marks you have to look on the bright side! It’s going to be Halloween soon. Just color in your stretch marks and go as a tiger. Rawwrrr!
Hey T,
Wanted to let you know it’s possable to get the baby to move. I’m 30 weeks preggers and last week in baby class we covered this topic.
There’s a book called Pregnacy Childbrith and the Newborn. by Penny Simkin. She’s the God Mother of Doula training. Anyway on page 295 they tell you how to do the breech tilt postion. Lie on your back with your knees bent and your feet flat on the floor. Raise your pelvis and slide enough firm cushions beneath your buttocks to raise them 10-15 inches above your head. Batman can help you out with this. Best wishes and thanks for keeping me rolling with laughter.
Congrats Mama T! You are now officially a MOMMY!
He’s a beauty. I remember the two days my wonderful boys entered my life (12 & 14 years ago). Enjoy every minute, it goes so quickly. He will be your greatest reward AND your biggest challenge. Stay strong and let the love flow.
Love to hear you on Adam’s podcast–you guys make a great team–and your website rocks. Your honesty is so raw and refreshing.
Congratulations Teresa!
Wishing you the best! I sport a few stretch marks as well so I feel your pain. If you can avoid having a C-section, do so at all costs. C-sections take much longer to recover from than a vaginal birth (I’ve had both). When I delivered vaginally I was back to normal within a couple days, C-section takes weeks to recover from. And yes, the vagina does recover quite well since it was designed to do this. Some doctors will convince you that it will leave you disfigured, but I believe they do this so they can work you easily in to their schedule. No doctors like to work at odd hours.
Congratulations, T. Just saw the baby picture.
http://twitpic.com/j1s5x
Wishing you well and little pain! Get ready for a new, exciting, unpredictable and rewarding chapter of your life.
Best of luck to you today, T. We love you.
They give you painkillers after the C-section, right?
Love it! You truley say what we are all thinking. Good luck today.
Good Luck today T. Can’t wait to see pics of the little guy.
Good luck tomorrow and enjoy meeting the new tiny person!
Hi Teresa!
Fabulous post as usual. I’ve been a big fan ever since the first day you came on the AC show. I’ve been listening since the beginning when I first moved out to Seattle by myself from Boston. The show was like my daily therapy. I now live in San Francisco, where I met my husband about 3 years ago. I have vicariously lived through you and lamented with your tales since 06..we were both single at the same time and sadly to say I was bummed/jealous when you got married! (but very happy for you) I was thinking, oh man, who am I going to sympathize with about the trials and tribulations of single life now?? all my friends are freakin married. you were like my single confidante. I too am in my 30’s, and have also since found a good man and am 19 weeks pregnant with my first child. I have so enjoyed listening to you and reading your blog and its been great to be able to go on this journey “with” you. You are smart, quick witted, and extremely talented with the pen. I am due in February, so thank you for paving the way with expectations to come. Keep writing and I hope you and Adam will collaborate on bigger and better projects. you guys are great together. Thanks again, and good luck tomorrow. It will all be good
Can’t wait to hear all about it.
By the way, I think its perfectly normal to look forward to the “vices” we so enjoyed when not pregnant. I too am anticipating the occasional cigarette, Sam Adams and a nice Baileys Irish Creme. Its gonna be a long time, with the breast feeding and all, but boy it will taste good when the time comes
don’t pay attention to the haters.
Beth -
Thanks so much and congratulations on the baby to come. I’ll let you know what it’s like on the other side – less than 12 hours.
t
T-
Thank you so much for you blog site! It seriously reinforces that I’m not the only first time pregnant lady freaking out about everything. Everything will be great. It has to be! I need to read your blogs about a new baby at home so I know what the hell I’m walking into.
Caroline
Hey Teresa,
My boyfriend adores Adam, and got me listening to the morning show (all the way up here in Canada!), mostly because you were talking about makeup and he knew I would be interested (I’m a makeup artist) hahaha! He listens to all the podcasts, and makes sure that I listen to the ones when you’re on. Just wanted to say I’ve been reading your blog and I really admire how real you are about life, and all your experiences. You’re a very inspiring woman, and your sarcasm and wit are unlike anyone I’ve ever met. You’re a hilarious chick who is always extremely entertaining and I just wanted to wish you and your little guy well and hope everything goes perfectly for you tomorrow. You have a ton of people cheering for you and we’ll all be waiting to see pictures of your gorgeous little angel.
Good luck, and enjoy your last day alone with the bun in your oven!
All the best,
Jen
Hey T-
I had a c-section and I thought I missed out on the beauty of childbirth, too. Then I heard some pretty horrific stories, like a friend of mine who came home with the catheter (for herself!) The c-section doesn’t seem ‘t so bad! Plus, you don’t have to worry about a misshapen head!
Good Luck!
I take it the Xanax and cigs are going to be more important than nursing your baby. Shame on you and your vanity!
Take your trolling elsewhere, please.
I can totally sympathize with you. I got bunches of stretch marks in the first pregnancy (they faded) but in my second, I had the one that run up through my belly button. It just seemed so much more prominent I hated it. My husband kept telling me he didn’t care because it was from carrying his child and was part of the beautiful process. I thought it was a load of crap and told him so.
But I agree with the worrying. It’s almost like you have to worry about the worst possible scenario so you are prepared if it happens. It’s my personal modern equivalent of the evil eye. Find a good mommy mentor (someone who’s been through it all but doesn’t think she knows it all) take a deep breath and realize that drinking a martini while breastfeeding is fine. Or the bottle, whatever, I read that one too
I think it’s really hard to screw up if you’re a caring, conscientious parent. And of course, you’re not the only parent he has. And I learned to always carry a gallon ziploc in the diaper bag in case the baby makes a mess of his clothes or you don’t want to leave a stinky diaper in a single friend’s garbage. Good luck. And the advantage of a C-section is you get to do your makeup first and look WAY cuter in pictures. i did it both ways trust me.
Hey Teresa
Just a quick suggestion if you’re interested. There is a specific Chiropractic technique called the Webster Technique that is used for the sole purpose of correcting breech presentations. If you’re interested you should go to http://www.icpa4kids.org to find a chiropractor in your area who specializes in this technique. In many cases it only takes a couple quick visits for the baby to shift. Best of luck! Love you on the AC show!
Peter
Everything you talk about is exactly how I felt pregnant with my first baby. I got stretch marks in my last month and I just balled! I know in the grand scheme of things it doesn’t matter, but it just made me feel like my body wasn’t mine anymore. My belly button never popped out but I would have traded that for no stretch marks any day!
I have to say I am less paranoid this time around. I drink Coke, I’ve taken Sudafed for my allergies, and I don’t stress about not eating vegetables as much. It will all be ok!
I love this blog, I can’t believe I just found it like two days before you give birth.
T – from one Jew to another, just think for a second: a stretch mark – it’s like hitting pay dirt! “Do you see this stretch mark??? Do you see how I suffered for you?!” Seriously, it’s fabulous. Your blogs are simply the best and this is my favorite so far. Congratulations – everything will be fine!
thanks for sharing your pregnancy with us! I’m 25 weeks with my second and have laughed so hard at your stories. I’m excited to hear how everything goes and will be thinking of you and baby all this week.
don’t worry about the stretch marks. There are 2 kinds – the ones that are permanent (white) and those that fade (red/purple). With my first I had 1 little permanent one and the rest all faded away within a year. Your body will be slightly different, but it’ll just be the new you. who remembers exactly what their body was like at 21?
enjoy!
Good luck!! Im so excited for you! I had 2 c sections and the last one was scheduled. The way the baby comes out really doesn’t change a thing. you will love him in a way you will have never loved ever. I just want to wish you good luck and I can’t wait to see pictures
Thinking of you often this week, T. Hang in there!! You’re going to be a wonderful mom
T,
My wife started to get a stretch mark at about week 34, and she started using Palmer’s Cocoa Butter lotion 3-4 times a day, rubbing it all over her belly and that mark never got that bad and she never got another one. It’s worth a shot! Good luck, and I can’t wait to hear about the little guy making his grand entrance.
i love the CB integration of “gooood for youuuu” à la Patrick Bateman
<3 u T. Hang in there!
Wow! Isn’t it wild that since you’re having a C-section you know exactly when your child is gonna be born? When your whole world will change??? That’s pretty amazing. I looked up frank breech and was blown away that in order to birth a breech baby you actually have to be on all 4s!!! Isn’t that position what got you pregnant in the first place? I’m 41 and never knew that!
By the way… just heard Whitney Cummings on Howard Stern this morning. I never knew what she looked like so I Googled pics. I’m seriously in love. I’m not Jewish but I think she is. Aren’t you BFF’s with her? Advice, please!
Love ya!
JMan
you can always get a tattoo over your stretch mark..so sexy! i’ll help you pick out one…maybe you can go to Kat Von D and get a portrait over it of Buster..
Ah, T, bless your heart. I’m 27 and have never been pregnant, but I’ve had stretch marks since I was about 12 or 13, thanks to some pretty rapid growth spurts and weight gain. They’ve been with me for so long that I can’t even freak out about them; it’s just part of me now. I have a feeling that even you, with enough anxiety and neuroses to spare, will shelve the stretch mark thing away in favor of worrying about other things with the baby for a good long while.
Hey T.
Great Post!
So i spotted you yesterday at Acapulcos in Sunset…i wanted to say HI but didnt have the balls to go through with it…i must admit the rumors are true you are a gorgeous pregnant chick…best of luck…JR
Thanks so much, JR. That was me. Sadly, not eating Mexican food but in fact taking advantage of the valet parking at Acapulco to see “The Informant” at the Vista Theatre across the street. Lots of leg room over there for me to swell into. And excellent popcorn. That could be my last pre-baby movie, though I am hoping to try and see the new Michael Moore doc Wednesday night before my early morning C-Section. Moore would be perfect for a pre-baby selection – he supports labor.
LOL…no way! well i hope you enjoyed the filck…that theater is pretty cozy, and catching the Moore doc would be an awesome idea…
How exciting, you must be counting the minutes…To think that by this time Thursday morning your going to be holding your new born…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj5-71ziM5c
Big hugs to you, T. I wish I could send you a pic of my womb raider who arrived ass-first via c-section on 8/22. But I don’t know how through this comments section! Anyway, its ALL WORTH IT. The second he arrives, you will love him like you’ve never loved before.
Can’t wait to hear the big news!
What a great post. Screw the stretch marks, that isn’t even the main idea in this post. Thank god you have that one stretch mark because it helps you to not go crazy about the other things. I am not, nor do I have plans to be pregnant any time soon but your blog really hits points that I never even thought about. You truly are a great writer and I hope that you can turn this blog into a book that can reach more women. We don’t need another book about the miracle of childbirth. We need books that tell us the real feelings we will have are ok and other women had them too.
Thank you T.
ooooh gurl you’re lucky you only have one and you’re about to give birth! i got mine like during my 4th month! oh i totes mourned. hey since you’re gonna be put under during the c-section, maybe they can throw in the tummy tuck for free?
Oh it will be ok!!! They really do end up being no big deal!!! Unless you have those angry claw marks, how could that ever be ok? But the normal stretch marks that end up turning silvery white, you won’t even notice them. Mine are so low though. I thought I was one of those women who got away without any, then I had my son and realized they were all so low, I couldn’t really see them when I was pregnant. Now I’m 35 weeks with my little girl and she is a big one and have noticed them up higher so we will see how these one turn out. Good Luck with eveything!!! It will all work out in the end and you will have your baby to take your mind off the little things!!!
I was the same way when I found my stretch marks, but it really became a lot less of a big deal to me as time passed. I did what I could to minimize them(FYI- Strivectin does help). It’s not so much that I saw them as the battle scars of a Warrior woman like you said, but that they are a small price to pay for all the love you will have for that baby. I hated being pregnant….the congestion, the stretch marks, the nose bleeds, the resrictions, but I would do it all over again in a heartbeat for all the perks that come with motherhood.
You will be great and I will be thinking and praying for you in the coming weeks with the impending birth! If you freak out, just remember, Britney Spears did it twice….how hard can it be?!?!
[...] up; and this guy—well, I dunno … I hope you roast the bastards, Warren … And finally, Teresa Strosser deals with a stretch mark. [...]
[...] I dunno … I hope you roast the bastards, Warren … And finally, the brilliant and funny Teresa Strosser deals with a stretch mark. [...]
T,
You are so lucky that you only have one stretch mark. I had my first baby at 16 and have a road map on my inner thighs, stomach and breasts. I went through all of that and had a c-section with her, and then gave her to her adoptive parents. I’ve had two more c-sections and they’re not too bad. The stretch marks do fade away over time and aren’t as noticeable.
I also worried about being a mom and if the kids were going to come out okay. With my last, my husband was going through cancer treatment, and we didn’t know if she was going to be okay, but she was. I think your worry is normal.
Your little Buster is going to be one awesome kid with an awesome mom! You’ll be so in love with him and when he’s 20, you’ll look at your lone stretch mark and smile. He fit in that belly of yours at one time!
Best of luck to you and your birth!
Lovely, T.
Thank you for putting yourself out there. Like Tricia, I feel like I’ve grown with you. I’m so happy for you and I’m excited to hear how the next chapter treats you.
~Sara
As someone who’s 6 1/2 months pregnant with twins but looks like she could be 9 months with a single baby, I definitely understand. I know it’s only a matter of time for me for the stretchmarks to come. I hate how I’m treated to the “your body’s never the same afterwards” speech from everyone who’s given birth.
Love the Christian Bale reference.
Hi T,
This was a really great post! I had all the same feelings becoming a mom with both of my kids. The truth is that this is both wonderful, painful, beautiful and scary all at once. Don’t worry about how or when Buster is born, all that matters is he gets here healthy and happy. He will!
I hope you let us know when he arrives, how your doing, and what his freaking name is……..
Thank you for your beautiful words.
Well, you can break out the obsessive Bio-Oil applying if you want to. I’m feeling bummed because I developed a stretch mark on my inner thigh from my Nuvaring induced insatiable zombie hunger 20 pound gain. Remember, some women get stretch marks and weight gain from AVOIDING babies. At least you’ll have something to show for it.
We’re still following along to see how this all turns out. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
jmh
Hi Teresa –
I’m so glad that I’ve been able to take this journey with you. I’ve known you since you were trying to decide how to handle the fact that what’s his name, your old boyfriend was married. I guess to say I’ve known you might sound a little creepy. Rest assured I live in Cincinnati, Ohio, a comfortable, non-creepy distance from you!
On with the birthing shit. I had two c-sections. I remember thinking at the time, I don’t care how these kids get out of me. I’m going to be sore one way or the other. You can hardly see my scar. My doctor did it low so that my pubes cover it up. Looking back, I’m glad that I had c-sections.
As for the stretch marks, yes, they suck. I too admired those women who are totally all right with them, but then I came to a realization. Somebody in the human race has to have the babies. With all of the body issues that I have, I surprised myself that I don’t obsess about them anymore. Somebody had to have the baby and there’s nothing I can do about the stretch marks. Somehow, since there’s not a thing I could do to prevent them or get rid of them, I was able to let it go. The fact that I don’t lose another 10 pounds is something that I beat myself up about, but since those stretch marks came through no fault of my own, I’ve been able to let them go. Does that make sense?
Finally, do whatever you can to nurse the baby. Even if you have trouble, get a lactation consultant and make it work. I know that you’ve done all the reading so I don’t have to convince you, but I just have to say this. The ONLY thing I miss about having babies is nursing them. It’s a blissful time. (Not to mention that I lost my baby weight quicker while I was nursing.)
Thanks again for the updates and your work on the podcast.
Tricia
Best. Post. Ever!! I’m a single guy and you made me get all teary eyed. I am not kidding. Buster will be fine. You will be fine. Batman will be fine. We are laughing with You and we are crying with you. Awesome!! i need a tissue..