With my son. Just wanted to type that.
He was known as Frank Breech, but after a C-Section and a few days of toiling over his official name, Frank “Buster” Breech became Nathaniel James.
He was born 7.7 pounds, and when he came out, he looked purple like a bunch of grapes held up at a Sunday farmer’s market. I don’t know who it was – a doctor, a nurse, the anesthesiologist, someone announced, “He’s a chunky monkey” and I’ve never been more excited to hear the first fat joke about my son. I knew no one would be joking if he didn’t have all of his fingers and toes and appear to be in good working order. You don’t start rhyming and referencing Ben n’ Jerry’s flavors when things are going awry. Even someone with a spinal block, restraints and a nasty case of Hebrew panic knows this on some visceral level. Especially, maybe.
To say I’ve never been more relieved is such an understatement it’s kind of a shame; I should probably not be allowed to write until I can actually pass a reasonable stool. Maybe normal movement of one’s colon is critical to self-expression not involving lame cliches and semi-obvious declarations. Please, humor me until the Colace and prune juice kick in.
So, after he was pronounced a chunky monkey, and the doctor said, “He was definitely breech … and definitely a boy …” (guess he presented with a big rump and typically swollen baby balls) I started bawling right there on the table, tears pooling around my oxygen mask, trying not to choke on snot and shock and the weird mucus that collects when you’re on your back and pregnant. Until the second they brought him over to me and let me kiss his goopy, red face, I was convinced that setting up a crib, and buying a rug for his nursery and occasionally imagining he would be okay would all have cursed him, and that I would never, ever be lucky enough to get a real live healthy baby.
No matter how many tests told me otherwise and how often I saw his heartbeat, even moments before they removed him and I could hear his heart thudding steady and strong on the fetal heart monitor, I was sure this was all a big mistake and that something would be wrong and everyone had missed it.
All that being said - and I promise to say more once I’m back in business – this C-Section was gnarly. I know some people find them easy, I am not one of those people.
The recovery was and is more difficult than I imagined, the surgery was terrifying and maybe this is just me, but I think I even caught a 24-hour bout of PTSD.
And I’m glad no one really gave me the nuts and bolts of the C, because it would have freaked my shit out. So I feel funny saying too much if anyone has one of these on the horizon, because you will be fine. Again, more to come, but I’m just so grateful to those of you who have followed this blog and sent your well wishes that I wanted to let you know that baby, mom and dad are doing great. Dad has changed every diaper and burped every burp because though I’m up to breast feeding the little guy, I can’t do much else with breaking doctor’s orders to avoid BLT: bending, lifting and twisting.
I’m yammering.
Sometimes it’s kind of nice to find yourself living a cliche, deliriously happy and deliriously tired mom. That’s me. Mom. I’m someone’s mom. He is my son.
For someone who wasn’t baby crazy, who didn’t really get babies at all, I do all the disgusting things like smell his head and take pictures of him incessantly and become convinced that I’m not biased at all, but that my baby actually is extra adorable with fantastic hair.
It’s my first day out of the hospital and like I said, I’m feeling pretty wrecked. Haven’t even had a chance to check out my new slice but I have run my fingers over it and I will tell you, they need a little extra room to remove the frank breech types. Seems about five inches or so. I’m okay with it, I just don’t want to look. And I still appear almost as pregnant as when I went in there. And my legs are swollen. On and on. Hard to wrap up this post which as far as prose goes is kind of a disaster. Time for a feeding, and yes, time for the boy to exploit me, as I have been doing him for the last six months.
Again, thanks for all of your kind words and well wishes and more than that, all of your very specific advice and recollections from everything to car seats to nipple pads to latching to morning sickness.
I read every single thing you wrote, and I often took your counsel and many times I dragged my husband over to read what you posted, because I was touched or consoled, because your experience was just like mine, and that made me feel less lonely. And I know that the sensations I’m having now, the baby “high” and the rubbing his velvety arms and the crying cause I can’t poop or sleep and the sad sack thoughts when I catch my bloated reflection and the surreal smacking myself over being his mom, and him not being in my stomach anymore, but instead sitting there in his bouncy seat, I know this has all been said and done and felt. Maybe by you. Instead of that taking away from its value, today, somehow it seems to add to it. Instead of scoffing at the human experience, I’m just giving in.
There aren’t that many main courses on the menu in this life, when it comes to the big experiences.
So, despite wanting to be terminally unique, at some point you order the chicken or the steak. Maybe the surf and turf. Because there are only so many dinners available at the cosmic table. The real comfort, and the big bombshell, isn’t how I felt too good to have what the rest of you were having, but not good enough. And here I am with my baby, like a billion and a half mothers before me, and we all want to hear that our children are chunky monkeys, and that we are not, and that’s where I find magic where I least expected it, right in the hackiness. There aren’t many offerings for dessert, either, and that’s the sweetest part, that we’re all telling the same stories and scooping our cold spoon into one infinite pint.
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Tags: baby names, childbirth, motherhood, Pregnancy
Could not be more delighted at the news of Nathaniel and your health! Congratulations! Here is my families traditional blessing poem shared at the birth of every new addition:
May there always be work for your hands to do,
May your purse always hold a coin or two,
May the sun always shine on your window pane,
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain,
May the hand of a friend always be near you,
May God fill your heart with
gladness to cheer you.
Well that is usually the first one and then there are tons more, but eventually the drink runs out and the men stop their speechifying. LOL
Again, Congratulations.
Oh my Goodness Teresa (and Batman) Congratulations!!
I am so happy for you. Your writing totally made me less scared for the day whenever I become a Mom. You are an amazing woman, and I’m sure will be a wonderful Mother. Again Congratulations.
Sending you good thoughts from Washington.
Mazel Tov! I had a breech baby too, and while c-sections aren’t super easy:
1. The man changes all the first diapers
2. Nothing stretched out your v
3. You have a scar you can use to further exploit the child later
You are going to be a great mom. I can’t wait to read all about it!
Dear Teresa,
First off, congrats on the birth of your beautiful son. Well done.
I stumbled upon your blog 4 or so months ago while freaking out and googling “jelly discharge cvs” or something of the sort. And I have been reading your posts ever since. I really connect with your perspective and just became a massive blubbering goo face after reading your latest post. Your last paragraph nearly put me over the edge. In the best way. So relatable. Especially this sentence: “The real comfort, and the big bombshell, isn’t how I felt too good to have what the rest of you were having, but not good enough.” Thank you so much for all that you have shared during your pregnancy. I know I don’t know you, but I think you are a wonderful person and will be a fantastic mom. (ARE a fantastic mom!)
By the by, I removed my wedding rings the day I saw the video of you having yours cut off, even though I wasn’t in sausage finger territory yet. Thanks for sparing me that experience.
I am 28 weeks now and am hoping and hoping for a chunky monkey.
Thanks again and all the best to you and your little family.
Kathleen
First of all, if I’ve done nothing else with this blog, it’s nice to know I’ve saved a few wedding rings.
Secondly, can’t wait to hear about your Chunky Monkey. When he arrives, hope you find a minute to let us know. Sending you lots of light and love for your delivery.
T
Congratulations, Teresa! Nathaniel is a nice name, but are you sure you want to limit his future? Frank “Buster” Breech would make a great porn name!
-Tim O
aka Harry Seward
Congrats T & Batman….
I’m about to have my 4th child (Oops!) in about 6 weeks.
Reading your post made me laugh and cry- at the same time. Giving birth to a baby is the closest thing to a miracle that I’ve ever experienced. What a fabulous thing! Enjoy the littlest of moments- they go by so quickly! And the things that you may worry about the most right now won’t even cross your mind in 6 months. Relax and enjoy!
Best of luck to the new family!!!
Hi Teresa,
Your blog is great. I am 27 weeks pregnant with my first child. While I am not looking forward to the delivery, I am more afraid of what happens when I go home. Please continue to write about your experiences as a new mom. Your words help ease my fears!
Your little boy is perfect. Congrats!
Mazel tov on the birth of your son! Having been through this 3 times myself (the baby care, not the pregnancy) there’s a period of time between now and 4 or 5 months from now where you’ll experience fatigue and sleep deprivation beyond what you went through getting up at 4am for a radio show. The really wonderful part is when your baby transitions from being just a eating and pooping organism to the first stages of being a person. When baby cracks a smile back at you and it’s not because of gas pains THAT is the moment to savor and appreciate.
You are such a beautiful writer! Congrats on a healthy baby! Enjoy it and relax because I have a strong feeling in my gut you WILL be a great mom!
Sincerely, a fan of your radio work
Just had to say congrats T. You’re already on your way to becoming a great mother. Much love.
T & family, I am so happy for you! What a miracle! You made me cry.
I just looked @ your photo’s on your blog… I found myself saying over and over…”man, she is more beautiful than ever!” Now that you’re not preggo any longer, that glow will continue because of the great Love you have for your son! My son is 34 years now! (teenage mom-I was) I loved him every minute of it & was so proud of so many moments. Even now… I beam at the thought of what a good citizen he became, in spite of ME!
Nathaniel will be a good citizen too because of the person you ARE.
Congrats on your chunky monkey & can’t wait to hear you back on Adam’s podcast! Take good care… & kiss the baby for me! xo
Jan
(“Jammy jam” to my 4 beautiful Granddaughters! )
I’m not a Dad and have no advice. Just a fan from the Carolla podcasts. Congratulations and thanks for sharing so much in such a sweet & entertaining way. All the best from Ottawa, Canada.
CONGRATS T! I love the way you write. You make me want to run out and have another baby! You got through it and your “chunky monkey” is beautiful. It’s all worth it, I promise.
Hi Teresa,
I am so happy for you! I’m pretty much right where you were a year ago, feeling exactly the same way about babies, all of the anxiety and the tentative excitement rolled into one big semi-neurotic package. That’s me to a tee. I’m not pregnant yet, the hubs and I just about to “pull the goalie.” It’s wonderful to have a blog (with excellent links btw, the STFU blogs are fantastic) that I relate to so much, on so many levels… And I have to say, your latest blog was incredibly moving for me. It made me feel like if you can do this process, and come out of it all with your biting wit still in tact and yet have an overwhelming sense of optimism and joy, then I can too. Oh, and the ice cream metaphors didn’t hurt either.
I hope you keep blogging as Nathaniel grows up, I think you have the sharpest blog around, and it deserves to keep going into Mommyhood!
Thanks,
Kathy
PS: Also, thanks for posting a picture of Nathaniel that was sans goopy head, I appreciate it.
Huge congrats!!! Love his name and you both are beautiful.
I agree… C-Sections are not as easy as some make them out to be, but you WILL heal and you’ll be an expert on your baby before you know it. Just enjoy the sweet baby smell and those newborn snuggles.
Happy Bonding
Brooke
You look great to be post-op (and post-birth)! Though I cannot imagine you ever looking not great.
Just wanted to say that the name choice is excellent – Nate is always the hottest, most mysterious, and intriguing guy. You have given your son an excellent path. And you should make sure to remind him of this gift when he’s a teenager.
Take care and I can’t wait for the next update. I am hoping your little one will be a guest on the ACP soon.
I’m disappointed that you didn’t name the baby Buster Breech. It has a nice ring to it.
P.S. I forgot to say it isnt just babyfood, it’s adult food too!!! That’s how week Brooklynites do!!!
Hi,
Congrats on the birth of your son. I too became a mommy of a little boy last August. Time Flies so keep snapping those pics. Mommyhood is freaking insane on so many levels but the best quote I have ever heard about having a child is “Having a child is like having your heart walk walk around in someone elses chest”. SO TRUE!!!
After I became a mommy, I decided to put my recipe writing skills to good use by starting a family food recipe blog called Take Back Your Table. Wanted to help busy mamas with easy fun recipes. Your babe is a ways off from solids but do check it out for some great baby food recipes (FYI- The Cinnamon White Bean Sweet Potato dip is awesome for babes and as a dip for adults- honest to god!!)
You site gives me a lot of laughs, I hope my site gives you something too, even if its just to say F that homemade baby food sh&* I’m too busy!! LOL
http://www.takebackyourtable.com
christina
Congratulations to you and your husband! I’ve enjoyed your blog throughout your pregnancy. I’ve pulled my husband over to the computer to watch your pregisodes just to prove to him that I wasn’t the only emotional and somewhat “crazy” pregnant lady out there. It was reassuring to me as well to know other women experienced the same things. My daughter is 4 months old now and being her mom has been the best experience in my life.
I can’t wait to read more of your posts. Good luck with everything. It only gets better as they start to smile and respond to the sound of your voice.
Again, Congratulations and hope you have a speedy recovery from your c-section!
Congratulations!! How wonderful. I’m not a mom, but am happy for you nonetheless. You look very mom-like in the photo. Best wishes to you and your family. Have really enjoyed the blog.
Jeanette
Congratulations! I’m glad everything turned out well. And for someone who was so worried about picking a good name, you guys picked a great name. Nice work!
Selfishly though, I am going to miss you on the podcast for a while.
Huge congratulations Theresa! Been following your progress eagerly whilst cooking my own little bun, and am so happy that your baby has arrived healthy and beautiful. Also know that the swelling will go down, the puff will go away, and the scar will fade down to almost nothing. Not too long after my C section I found myself sobbing in the old lady department at Target because I had to buy elastic waisted pants to hoist over my incision site. But it didn’t take too many months before I was back in my skinny jeans. Happy to be going through my next C section in sweats weather so as to avoid my grandma’s capri pants.
Take care and enjoy this amazing time with your new little one.
P.S. Love his name!!!
No way!! Really truly Teresa you got your baby boy?! In your arms? I’m all chills and sappy happy smiles. Because, well without going into details I just have to say I remember when we were 12. And sassy little smartasses. I’m sure you’ve got yourself one sassy little smart ass of an adorable boy. Love the name, love the blog, sending loads of love to you. My advice, since I have no children at this point, would be to remember that your friends without children can only stand so many updates on poop. But quite frankly, your updates will most likely be literary genius or at least hilarious, so go ahead. Update us. mazel tov! xo Em
Congratulations T!
I have two weeks max before my own “date” with a new baby boy and it’s been incredible reading along with your blog. I am so happy that all went well and it’s been a great comfort to know that I wasn’t the only one out there having the same experiences and feelings. Good luck on the next phase and I look forward to hearing you back on Adam’s podcast.
Congratulations!! And thanks so much for sharing your journey through pregnancy….I’m similarly cynical, and just 2 months from my due date, so it has been such a comfort (and such a laugh!) to read your blog every week! I wish you and your little family all the best!!
Congratulations to you and your family. I hope all is well with your recovery, too. I remember waking up exhausted new mothers at all hours during my OB-GYN rotation to ask if they had passed gas yet. It’s probably one of the reasons I went into ophthalmology.
Enjoy your beautiful new son, and we look forward to hearing from you on the podcast soon!
Congratulations, T! I am so happy for you and your husband. Just like you, I was not well versed on the C-section before I had my unexpected bout with it. Yep, that scene was something else. And the recovery is long. Pamper yourself. Let Batman pamper you. And don’t feel like you have to do everything right away. Accept every bit of help that comes your way from family and friends because when it goes away…it is gone. And if you find yourself getting weird about people getting too close to the baby or wanting to touch him with their germy hands…well, ignore that weird feeling and push on with your motherly instincts. Trust me, it will be you dealing with the infant colds that will break your heart because there is next to nothing OTC you could give your baby to help relieve his symptoms. Enjoy your baby!
Theresa – Congrats to you and your husband on your healthy, beautiful, wonderful baby boy! When I heard you were having a baby on Adam’s show, I was so happy for you. I have followed your career since WYWO. My daughter and I were so sad when you left. I was so happy when listening to the AC show and I heard your voice your first day. I still listen to Adam on the podcast and am always so happy when you and Bryan are on. (I am so glad Bryan is doing so well).
You are very talented and very compassionate…you will be a terrific mother. Smell his head alot! I did it until my daughter said enough! And don’t believe anyone who says you hold him too much. The more his needs are met, the happier all of you will be. I’m anxious for photos and news of him growing. Being a mom is unbelievable. You’ll do it well. Enjoy, Debbie Rochon
one more thing, has anyone told you about spanx? wonderful after a csection, keeps everything all tucked away for awhile.
Teresa,
Congrats to you and your hubby. Your post made me tear up and laugh. Looking forward to hearing about all your new adventures with your little guy.
congratulations momma!! ya done good! he is precious & i’m super happy for you & batman. =) i have a two year old little boy and can still remember that beautiful baby scent. those are the moments i treasure…watching him sleep, breathe, smelling his head, constantly kissing him while he sleeps. gotta love the stalker mom moments. i wish you all of the happiness in the world and may you have an ounce more of patience in those moments that you feel exhausted and that you have no more to give.
Congratulations Teresa & Batman! You are now in a very special club…! I hope you will continue to write about your adventures in mommyhood!
All our best!
congratulations to you and your family!!!! I’ve been following your pregnancy since Ace’s show & am thrilled you popped out a healthy baby boy. Great name choice too – cute, yet classic and not overly popular. I can’t wait to read more about him & your coming days….do some video blogs because you won’t believe how crazy you get w/ the sleep deprivation & it will be funny to look at in 6 mos. And I too love sniffing their heads – but one better is actually that sweet little breastmilk breath. That’s right, I stuck my nose right in my daughter’s mouth to soak up the smell of her delicious breath. Heaven. Do it now though because as soon as he pops a tooth that smell goes sour. Congrats again! loves~
Congratulations on your wonderful new blessing! No matter what you believe, the beginning of a new life is truly miraculous. I would have never posted this before your C-section, but it is not a cake walk. I love how men can say that a C-section is “easy as pie”, but they don’t have to recover from one. I had a rough one, so I know exactly where you’re coming from, just hang in there.
Give yourself some time for your body to heal. Don’t be afraid to ask for help so you can rest. And please, enjoy this time with your miracle. One day you’ll be amazed at just how tiny he was.
Congratulations! That is a great name!
Yay! Nathan is a good name.
Congrats!! I’m so glad everything went well…although I’m sorry the c-section was gnarly. What a great name, are you going to call him Nate?
Everything you are feeling sounds completely normal and at the same time completely unique.
Can’t wait until you are feeling well enough to exchange projectile poop stories with Adam.
Teresa,
Congratulations, momma and dad! Nathanial James is lucky to have you two as parents. May you have a swift recovery and once you’re back on your feet, I’d love to meet up with you for a stroller stroll with our little ones.
Catie
Mazel Tov, T. All the best to your whole family. Just knowing you don’t want to be a crappy mom makes you one step ahead of the game. You’ll do great – you’ll make mistakes, and yell sometimes, and even curse or throw things, and that’s okay because you’re human, and when Nathaniel cries and says things like, “you don’t love me because you’re mad,” you get to be the one who hugs him and says, “no baby, its when i’m mad that i love you most of all… and i hate being mad at you because you’re an awesome kid, and we’re both learning how to do this life thing together.”
congrats… its going to be a helluva ride.
Hi, T! Congratulations. Quick tip to have better stool after c-section (as I’ve experienced it, and cried for a month!), take lots of prunes. Whenever you can eat it, take it!
Teresa, congratulations to you and your husband and welcome to little Nate. We can call him Nate, right?
Good luck with the breastfeeding. Stick with it. It gets tougher before it gets mindlessly easy. I freaked out on day 5 and had to see a lactation specialist. Get a good electric pump for when you finally engorge. That way, you can pump off extra (freeze it for week 3-4 when you want to go out for a manicure and leave Nate at home with dad to get used to the bottle) and relieve the pain. Pumping helps avoid mastitis too.
Nate gets a growth spurt around 8 weeks, 3 months and six months, when it seems like all he wants to do is feed and feed.
Colic, if he’s prone to that, will kick in around 3 weeks–just when you think you’ve got it all together. If he starts crying inconsolably, just Google “football hold, baby” and learn the secrets of the football hold. Head nestled in the crook of your arm, tummy near the heal of your hand. Gently push his tummy and do the “baby dance” rocking and bouncing from side to side. It’s good for the thighs and gluts. One arm will look like Popeye’s.
But you may be lucky and have a baby without colic. They get over it around 3-6 months old, generally. Those of us who had colicky babies can do one-armed push ups. And we make snide comments about how we are so much better bonded with our children.
Bottom line though–
1. You will quickly become an expert on poop.
2. At 3 am, you’ll be happy you’re not heating formula
3. You’ll be the perfect mom for baby Nate because he will train you.
Mazel tov!
This is all great advise. Already attempting so-called football hold for breast feeding just to change it up on the ducts.
Will look into baby dance.
Thank you so much -
t
He’s is extra cute with great hair. Nice job T.
T!!!! You are the best. I am a 25 year old straight dude, and I hang on your every word. Over the past 9 months you’ve told the most beautiful story. And what is more amazing to me, is now that story really begins. I will never meet you or your family, but I feel like an Uncle. Congratulations, and take care. I didn’t want be crass in this comment, but I can’t help it – I am quite happy you had a C-section, because now the boys can still name your V and there won’t be any hard feelings or moments of pitiful nostalgia for a V that once was. I hope that was a classy enough comment. haha. Thanks again for bringing a little heart and humor to my days.
– Uncle Ruben Campos
Congratulations, Teresa! I’m so very happy for you all. May your family be blessed with health, creativity and kindness. And lots of joking too. Lots and lots and lots of joking. xoxo, Monica
PS,
Nathaniel James is a beautiful name. Though I am secretly disappointed you didn’t go with Robin.
Mazel tov 100 times over. I’ve been listening to you on Adam’s podcast and laughing my fool head off all the way through Midtown Manhattan. I had the Jewish worry working me to a frazzle those last weeks of pregnancy. I had a c-section and had twin girls. When they came out, one had a ton of hair and a nurse (?) said, that looks like Rachel and that because that twin’s name because although we picked the names, we hadn’t thought about who was going to be who! The nurse held each one up to me and I kissed each baby. I’m glad I didn’t know all the details before because I would have been even more scared. I cried every day for a month–happy, tired, brain overload. beyond physical exhaustion. One day it was 5:00 p.m. and I hadn’t cried all day and then, boom, I cried before 6. The C is a absolute drag but it will be over soon and your precious baby boy is HERE. Welcome to the world Nathaniel, we are so glad you are here. Damn, I’m welling up even typing this. One last thing–you will love your husband in a whole new way over these next weeks. Mazel tov again!
Congratulations Teresa! I have been checking your site every few days to see if you had had your baby, he is just precious!! I just want to say that I think you are absolutely hilarious, my fiance and I listen to the Adam Corolla podcast all the time and you are my favorite! I’ve never been able to picture myself having kids really but hilarious, strong women like you give me faith that I might be able to do it someday, no matter how much you freaked out in the process!
Also, my friend who had her daughter a year ago (and my goddaughter) via C section and she was up and around within a week and her scar is pretty minimal now a year later. Also my mom had all 3 of her children via C section and her scar is really tiny, you can’t even really tell it’s there! I feel like if I had kids I would go that route b/c the latter scares the living piss out of me! 
Anyway, congrats again, hope you’ll keep doing the podcast and the blog!
I’m soooo happy for you and your family. I actually teared up when reading you blog entry. My youngest is almost 3 (he’s my little boyfriend) and there will be no more. I actually miss that new mom feeling. Enjoy every sleep deprived, constipated, and engorged boob moment.
thank you for having such an honest pregnancy and sharing it with us. you did it. you made a person. now all you have to do is raise it
congratulations! I hope to keep hearing from you through you blog and on adam’s show. I’m sure you’ll have much to share with us on the joys and terrors of being a real live mom.
best
Dear Teresa,
I just couldn’t be happier for you and Batman! The relief and gratitude is pretty profound, isn’t it? I’m so glad little Nathaniel is chunky and perfect, and I hope each day finds you feeling better and better.
Thank you for sharing so much of your pregnancy journey with all your friends and fans, it was a gift, really. Having been down this road not too long ago, I related to so many of your feelings and insights. Any chance your blog will become a book? A thinking woman’s “Belly Laughs” perhaps? I’d be first in line to get my copy autographed!
Can’t wait to hear more about how your adventures in parenthood! Until then, listen to everyone who tells you to enjoy every little moment because these precious months of Nathaniel’s infancy really will go by so fast.