Whose vagina exploded?
When I first found out I was having a boy, there were the stages of grief. You know, shock, denial, numbness, staring paralyzed, mouth slightly agape, at all the racks of cute girlie shit in the baby store until the clerk probably thought I was having a mild stroke.
Now, that has all gone away.
Maybe I have Stockholm Syndrome. I have fallen in love with my little captor because I have no choice: this fetus has a penis. Either way, it may have taken me a full two months or so, but I am so good with this boy thing right now.
It started with something simple, just the notion of one single phrase, the vision of me walking through my front door after work and asking, “Where’s the boy?”
I just like the sound of it. This vision extended to me showing up at daycare to pick him up and asking the teacher, “Where’s my boy?” It branched into imagining us gearing up for a road trip and me saying to my husband, “Have you packed up the boy?” The boy. My boy. Both sound good to me. What’s really been singing to me is this idea, and it may be repulsive in its cheesiness, but the thought that I would be referring to my child and my husband as “my boys.” I see myself phoning from the freeway on my way home, asking if “my boys” need me to pick anything up for dinner. “I need a hug from my boys,” I’ll announce on a Sunday morning, over coffee and the paper.
Sure, it may end up being more like “now I have to wipe the poop from between my boy’s balls and thighs,” but cut me some slack for over-romanticizing the boy thing right now. I so desperately wanted a girl, and now, whereas I used to see little girls on the street in their princess outfits and hate their parents out of sheer girl envy, they are starting to look prissy to me sometimes, and bossy.
And they won’t grow up to carry their mother’s luggage, or get all gangly and give those gangly boy mom hugs.
When I was having my moment in the baby boutique, it was too much. I was overwhelmed, surrounded, swallowed up by girlie treats I knew I would have coveted, stuck as if by a taffeta pin to my spot in the center of the crammed room. It looked like a vagina had exploded in there. There was a small purse made to look like a chocolate chip cookie, a set of red plastic lips containing mint gloss, a bubble gum pink voile skirt hanging with a dainty black cardigan, a tiara festooned with powder blue fluff, racks of small orange and yellow boas, a row of fuchsia headbands with white dots, a giant purple flower attached to a silver hair clip and a trio of white unicorns with gold horns and eyes.
You baby store people are totally fucking with me, I thought. And thanks for that one pair of denim overalls on the boy wall with the lame stack of “I’m so Silverlake” Jimi Hendrix onesies. Thanks.
At this point, my boy has quietly but profoundly liberated me from the illusion that having a girl would fix everything that went wrong with my own mother, to whom I haven’t spoken in a year or more. As facile and two-bit talk therapy as it seems, I think somewhere in my mind was this Barbie toy chest full of healing that would magically burst open when I did everything so much better than my mom did with me, when I taught the girl how to shave her legs and showed up to her ballet recitals, when I bought her gauzy skirts and said things like “I know you must be sad right now,” instead of “don’t you dare manipulate me with your tears.” What a bunch of unconscious crap I was swaddling in a pink blanket, that life with a daughter would be one long therapeutic mani/pedi, that I could make her feel okay about being female despite how much my own mother seemed to despise it.
I don’t know much about boys yet. I just know that this one, my boy, is crowding my diaphragm, lungs and stomach, while simultaneously making room in my heart.
You can’t suture years of ripped up mother/daughter flesh with satin ribbon and feather barrettes. Maybe the very idea that I would have a storybook relationship with my own daughter is as mythological as a herd of stuffed unicorns.
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I don’t think I’ve ever read in print the feelings I have toward my own daughter & mother. On some level you & I have the same mother & upbringing, & have the same thoughts of our relationships. To see how beautifully you can put this into words make me want to cry. I always wonder that if my son had been born first, maybe I would have been a better mother to my daughter who only brought about so much more anxiety, confusion, hurt & regret than I ever thought imaginable. I’m in no way the mother I had, a dismissive, unloving, absent, indifferent alcoholic, but if you ask my daughter, the faults I have and just as many but with different adjectives. I wish you the best of luck, Teresa, the memories of your childhood will never go away but one day you will look at your child(ren) and know you did a much better job than your mother did. The mere fact that it bothers you so much is proof of that, I know for a fact my mother never once asked herself if she was doing a good job.
Hi Teresa, I’m glad to read you’ve accepted the boy. I have a 2 yr old boy and he is the most awesome thing ever. He is so much more affectionate than my 4yr old girl. He is also more brave, daring, and smarter. I love my daughter dearly, but I can’t stand her. My daughter is winey, emotional, pickey, and defiant. I stay home with them full time, so they get lots of attention. I don’t know if it’s her or me. When I have my son alone, it is a pleasure being a mom. He makes it so much more rewarding. I really with I would have had him first, then I would have not had anymore. Oh, I didn’t even get to the difficulty getting her dressed everyday. She has to match everything, and has recently had an advertion to pants and shorts, only dresses and skirts. I can put anything on my boy and her never complains.
I too had difficulty buying him clothes and decorating his nursery at first. Fortunatly a lot of stores have surfer/skater clothes for little guys now. I did his room all surfer dude and it was very cute. I did not like the teddy bear and sport themed appearal and decorations. Please excuse my grammer and spelling as I have had a terrible morning with my daughter and have resorted to bong hits in the garage, drinking makes my too sleepy. ; )
T, I’m so glad you came to this realization on your own. I think Natalia Carolla made you see the light, although I tend to believe that Olga’s Latina influence may be making her even more girly in a negative telenovela stereotype way. I find the marketing to young girls to be offesnive, and I think you do, too. My brother has three boys who are devoted to their mother in a non-creepy way.
Susan
P.S. Keith, Marty (Martin), Steven, John, all solid, currently underused boy names.
T-
I have boy/girl twins that just turned four. While I have the best of both worlds, I can speak from experience: you will have a “mamma’s boy”. My son cries in the morning if I don’t wake him up to say goodbye before I leave for work. For the first part of this third year, he would say, “Vince is mom’s boy!” He wants hugs and kisses more than my girl (she is just starting to come around) and he LOVES pink!
You will be a great mom. I can’t wait to see pictures, and read the “mom blog”.
Oh…I almost forgot; I had the twins at 29 weeks, and other than being a little small for their age, they are perfect. So don’t worry too much about what can happen with the delivery/timing/birth, etc; you will have a perfect baby boy. As far as your original concerns about being able to love, I would bet money that the moment you see him/hold him, you will cry. It was like a switch had been turned on for me, and I loved my children immediately; so much, I thought my heart might burst.
Congratulations! Enjoy your boy!
Brandie
Great post. I didn’t know you weren’t speaking to your Mom. What happened?
I went through the same grief after my OB announced “I see a scrotum!” when I gave birth. I looked around the room of new mothers being coached in the art of breast feeding and was jealous that half of them had girls and I would be a much better mother to one of their girls than they were. I now spend time playing trains with my two year old and watch him as his eyes grow big at the site of wheel loaders, cattipillar wheels, and construction workers. He thinks dolls are for wrestling and lives for riding the miniature railroad (remember Tilden Park in the East Bay?). Now I couldn’t be happier that he will never be a 15 year old girl.
Maybe your little boy will be gay, in which case, you could have the best of both worlds!
He’ll always love his mom.
Funny how this post came a few days after you visted “bossy” Natalia at Adam’s house!
Hi Teresa!
I’m embarrassed to say this is the first time I’ve visited your blog.
I’ve been listening to your old radio show for 2 years via the net and podcasting.
I’ve always liked your banter with Adam and Bryan.
Now I see how funny you are on your own.
Best wishes to you and your family.
You are going to be a great mom!
Best,
Eric
I just had my second boy 3 weeks ago. In realizing I would never have a girl having assumed all babies were girls, as most baby stores seem to have as well, I realized there are many upsides. Not reliving my relationship with my Mom.. awesome. Being brought as a date to the Oscars.. incredible. Besides I think you just end up with what is right for you and while my incredible ability to do a french braid is mostly wasted on two boys with curly curly hair I am relieved there will be no teenage girl I am responsible for.
We didn’t find out with our first and when I saw the huge baby balls first thing it almost didn’t sink in and then it hit me after holding him.. I just wanted THIS baby
My focus for now is just not turning into my Mother in Law
T – As someone due with a boy in 6 weeks or so, but already the mom of a 3 1/2 year old girl, I completely relate to your initial feelings about questioning how much I wanted a boy to begin with. I love having my little girl, and feel I pretty much “mastered” her quirks (as much as that’s possible)… but I’ve come to be excited about a house not filled again with pink and ruffles. Thankfully I’m not making up for lost childhood memories or a dysfunctional relationship with my mom (since I feel like she did a pretty good job, and we’re really close)… But just knowing your personality a little, I’d say you’re going to do great with a boy (I’m less sure of myself) – and with uncles like Ace and Brian, he’ll learn all the important stuff about being a macho shithead, but still love his mama.
love, love, LOVE having a boy. No pink, no girly crap, no worries about having to be a good (gender) role model, no eating disorders, no jealousy over daddy, and man do boys love their mommies! It’s like having a little boyfriend, except not in a creepy way, if that even sounds possible to you at this point. You will see!
T, this post has hit home with me. I was also deeply disappointed when I found out I was having boys twice. Then later I also realized that I wanted a girl to sort of redo the type of girlie childhood fantasy I wanted. I would’ve pigeon holed my daughter into a Disney movie with a touch of Hello Kitty and girlie-stuff. Now I am grateful I have boys. I don’t have to worry about lost barrettes, doing hair, navigating through the whore/madonna clothes shopping spree, and a ton of other things. I am madly in love with my boys and am glad that they are here.
this is the SECOND time I have truly gotten comfort from one of your posts. First the weight gain issue, and now the “gender disappointment” issue. I also am having a boy, and have shed horribly guilty tears about it. I just do not click with that gangly boy energy, boys just seem so loud and smelly and…male!!! I had all those dumb dreams of girly hairstyles, and doing art and cooking together (yes, I know a boy may like those things, but chances are he’d rather wrestle with the dog) of pink stuff, and decorating, etc.
The worst part about it is feeling so incredibly guilty and stupid. We’re having a healthy kid, it is so UN-pc to feel this way, and I can’t talk to anyone about it. We’re not having another baby because of my age. I know I need to “get over it” and I’m trying, but everyone keeps saying how happy I SHOULD be. That just makes it worse.
Adding to all this, I am just depressed in general, due to the hormones, I guess, and feeling fat and ugly. As did you, I have gained more weight than I “should” in my first trimester, and people have been free to tell me all about how I’m showing already! Wow!! That’s so early! Are you having twins? At which point I want to kill them.
I really hope things start getting better but am glad to see that you seem to be perking up in your second trimester, that really gives me hope things will get better for me, too.
Well, you’ll also not have to clean poo out of a hoo-ha. Bonus!
One more thing: who needs princess shit when you can go to plasticashop.com and buy the “Pony With an Apple Onesie”? So bloody cute!
Love this post (well, I enjoy the whole blog); it was so honest and specific and real. As a non-parent, I have nothing to add except maybe my choice not to have children so as not to repeat my parents’ many mistakes wasn’t the way to go. (Excuse me while I go home and try to teach my cat to call me Mama!)
Jeanette
Your boy will be perfection.
I love this! I don’t know what I am having (I’m due July 17), but I think there is a part of me that wants a girl and is worried I will be bummed if this little thing pops out with a penis and my disappointment will imprint on his tiny brain kind of like how the scientologists believe. But after reading this, I feel super excited about the prospect of having “boys” to bring groceries home to and having a “that’s my boy!” moment. yay for boys. the world needs more cool boys.
Hi Teresa
I can identify. I love having a boy, now 3, and for the first 13 weeks of my 2nd pregnancy, was SURE that I was having a girl. Our ultrasound tech even guessed – but emphasized she was guessing because of the angle – that we were having a girl. This pregnancy was DIFFERENT. I FELT it. Our son even predicted, “baby sister!” We were going to have my one boy, one girl family and all would be balanced, good, and right.
The CVS results proved differently, and needless to say, I too stood stunned for a moment. I think I even got dizzy. It couldn’t be true. I wanted to ask to see the karyotype but thought better of it.
Once the initial shock and fantasies about playing My Little Pony wore off, I warmed up quite nicely to having my two boys. I picture them running through the kitchen on their way out back while I yell, “slow down!” I am happy that we don’t have to think about all new clothes, toys, and accessories. I like the fact that it will still take about 30 seconds to get the boys ready for school. I look forward to watching my husband try to wrestle two of them. HE should be more nervous than I.
In about three months, I will be severely outnumbered by boys in the house. I’m still considering my OB/GYN’s advice: “Hmmm..get a puppy?” I love him.
P.S. As far as the mommy issues go, I know in the last three years that I have already “undone” many of the upsetting and embarrassing parent issues that my sister and I grew up dealing with. There are still positive changes to make, girl or boy. And, MAN does it feel good.
It is kind of a shock to see that tiny boner floating in space on the ultrasound and be told that you are having a boy. I always thought I would produce a “Mini Me” but this was not the case. The best part is that they sort of become your little boyfriend (I don’t mean that in a creepy way!) following, cooing and laughing at everything you do. My boy is almost 3, handsome and has a way with the ladies already…yikes!!
Two major tips for a boy baby:
You MUST tuck the penis in the diaper pointing downward….this was the best tip (no pun intended) that I ever got. Even if I did not know this until he was about 2 months old!
Buy PhisioBebe by Mustela to clean the butt and balls. It is a cleanser you can use on newborns….squirt it on a baby wipe to get off all the sticky, black poop. It smells wonderful too!!
You amaze me with your ability to communicate such complicated feelings.
DOOCE is a great website for you. Kind of like what you do, but more pictures. Don’t listen to the first comment. Get the boy circumcised. Do you like looking at all THAT? No, and neither will your future daughter-in-law.
Mahalo,
Marisa
Well, the boy will have the coolest “uncle” around in Ace Carolla. Great podcast again. Congrats, T.
my favorite post so far…
has the subject of circumcision come up yet?
i must say as someone who was i’m not pleased about it.
my feeling is it’s my body and i should have the right to choose if i want to cut off a chunk of sensitive nerve endings at the end of my junk.
i know it sounds harsh and a little crazy but circumcision is genital mutilation no matter what the gender.
before you listen to the arguments for such an antiquated act (such as decreased rate for HIV, etc.) consider that your boy will grow up in an upper middle class, unbroken home with a present, caring and thoughtful mother.
this alone will reduce his chances of contracting any STDs.
if he was born into a nomadic tribe in the Congo with out access to modern medicine it would be a different story.
AGREED!
that mick – such wisdom behind those flaps.
you get what you need.
Just watch an episode of Real Housewives New Jersey and see Teresa with her 3 “princesses” and you will be happy about poop coated balls.
Wow! I think I’d cry if I was the type to do that sort of thing.
I recently had my THIRD boy. I was bummed when the last two showed up as boys on the ultrasound, but I was okay because, well, I’d rather have boys. I just wanted one daughter, for that ‘relationship’ that I would have with her that I can’t with them. In the last week or two, I’ve been extra pissy when I see pink. Or cute little girls. Reading your post today, I’ve realized that the reason for my obsession with having a girl is about the same as yours. What a feeling. I’m not alone!! That’s a good feeling. Realizing that getting ‘fixed’ in this area I’m broken is not going to be so easy as buying pink things, not so good. But, I think that my obsession has just subsided, and I thank you. Damn therapy, I don’t wanna go. 
I felt the same way when I found out that my first child was going to be a boy. I only had sisters and I though that I wouldn’t know what to do with a boy. But, the little boy outfits began to grow on me and I eventually even started thinking they were cuter that the little girl stuff. Then, when my son got old enough to start “acting like a boy” and not just a baby, I realized that I was actually mutch better equipped to be the mother of a boy. After seeing friends with little girls, and seeing the attitude that they get, and knowing that I woul have no idea how to deal with the emotional rollercoaster that was girlhood, I am glad that I have my 2 boys. In listening to you on the radio, I see you as a woman who is better equipped to be the mother of a boy. I know you don’t like talking about farts and boogers and other bodily functions, but you just get used to that stuff. All those times that Adam was making generalizations about all women, except you, I was in your boat. I think you are going to love having a boy, and he is going to love all the things about you that make you an atypical woman.
We call our son “the boy.” We just got a dog and we ask the dog “where’s your boy?” We named our son Benjamin and the dog Charlie. I like both. I also like Tobey if you’re still looking for names.
I LOVE “my boys”! In fact, my husband who grew up with two sisters, was always referred to as “the boy” and to this day, his 60+ old father still calls my 40-something old husband “the boy”. I love that this has been passed onto our son, “the boy”!
Teresa – I am a huge fan, and have not yet commented before – but I really enjoyed this post.
I had a boy first, and now I have a girl as well (7 and 4 years old). Let me tell you – all that cute girly stuff is frequently a huge disaster. Lipgloss – smeared on everything. Lacy clothes – covered in spaghetti sauce. Hair bows – caught in the birds nest that is my daughter’s hair.
My son is WAY more low maintenance, and, I too, loved saying “my boys” when it was just him and my husband. This might sound cheesy, but when he was a baby I told him every night – “goodnight, my favorite boy.” I still do it. He is amazing, and sweet, and funny, and smart.
I just finished listening to the latest podcast with Adam and came over here to see if you blogged anything about it. I found this post and felt compelled to write something.
I’m the father of three boys (count ‘em… THREE!), ages 17, 15, and 9. I can tell you this… as much as I wanted a “Daddy’s Little Girl” I wouldn’t trade a second (NOT ONE second) of having my boys around and in my life. I call my wife from work daily and say “How’s my boys?”
I know that I have the different perspective, and I can’t really presume to speak for my wife, but I know that she loves it too. This is not to say that she doesn’t have her moments of loathing for the testosterone filled days in our household. She definitely doesn’t find farts funny, nor does she find amazement in the latest cool video games. But she does love getting the, as you put it, gangly boy hugs from her guys.
I know you’ll love it. Good luck with everything.
Big fan for years…
Joe
Though I firmly believe that whatever gender you would have had would of course be wonderful, with all its varying pros and cons, I know you’ll love having a son.
Also, I want to let you know that I am marrying a man who adores his mother, and not in a creepy mama’s boy way, but in a secure, adult, loving way. He’s close with his dad, but I watch him struggle with trying to be “his own man” sometimes, but when it comes to mom, she is his touchstone. They have a wonderful relationship that is really special and unique. Just my two cents, and I grew up with sisters, so a mother-son relationship was very foreign to my understanding too! But it can be fantastic.
Good luck, sorry to see TV Watercooler gone!
Hey Teresa,
I never contemplated the boy or girl thing – i grew up with only a sister, but my sister and I have had only boys (two each). I wouldn’t trade boys for anything. they do like their moms – even when they argue. my boys are 13 and 16 – and i have enjoyed the boy ride very much. you will just be stepping on plastic soldiers and legos instead of barbie shoes…. congratulations!
Love listening to you on Adam’s podcasts….
I have a 14 month old son, and almost every day I walk in from work and say “Where’s the boy?” And I love referring to my husband and son as “my guys”. There’s a coziness in the dynamics, and since I can be a bit of a blowhard biotch sometimes, it kind of mellows me out now that I’m outnumbered, gender-wise.
Boys are harder to keep alive, as they have no regard for their cranial integrity, but I think the emotional stuff is easier with boys. Speaking as someone who’s also got a steamer trunk full of mommy issues, I’m relishing the prospect of less complicated relationship with my boy!
You’ll figure this out pretty quickly when your boy arrives, but I’ll tell you anyway: Boys are magic. Really. I have one of each, and love them both (obviously), but my son is just so wonderfully open, so quick to hug and tell me he loves me. You’ll hear it a lot, and it’s because it’s true: there’s something about a boy and his mama. They don’t ask much of you (well, he WILL ask for trains, it’s in their DNA code or something). I’m excited to see how much you fall for this baby, and come to fiercely appreciate his boy-ness. I was surprised to find myself really hoping for a second boy when I got pregnant for the second time.
Great post! I too have to admit being disappointed when i found out my first was going to be a boy. When we got pregnant a second time, I was secretly wishing for a second boy because boy #1 was so much fun. Turns out, we got our baby girl and are of course thrilled with both. At the end of the day, the sex doesn’t really matter-you fall in love with the little peanut for exactly what they are. You will probably not even be able to remember why you were disappointed in the first place. Congratulations and enjoy your time off! I’m sure something great will come your way soon! You are great!
A very good post! People unconciously have kids in a weird bid to fix themselves, and it’s good that you recognize how unhealthy that is- even if you sometimes would like to open a door and see the result of some sort of vaginal armageddon as you mentioned above.
I wish more people would realize these things before they had kids…or at least before they had 8 or 9 of them…
I’d be more content with a boy, too. I’m pretty sure I never want to have kids but even my uterus does a flip thinking about, “Let’s play race cars! Vroooom!”.
Plus the old adage, “with a boy you only have to worry about 1 dick. With a girl you have to worry about EVERYBODY’S dick.”
Hi Teresa!
Love the blog and your podcasts with Adam and Brian (love his fiance’s blog, too). Sorry about the job thing. Unfortunately, I’ve never seen the show. My TIVO (Cox cable in OC) claims channel 97 is TV Guide Channel, but it’s actually CSPAN!
Enjoy the time off and hang out with Adam and Brian and crash one of FHF’s podcasts!
David
i love this post! although i am at least a year away from conception (thanks lousy economy and laid off husband!)….i too recently came to terms with the fact that i may give birth to a boy one day. i found comfort in several cute little boy styles and haircuts. i also liked the idea of saying “my boys” since my puppy son is my first born boy. everyone says that boys are easier…there must be some truth to it.