When it comes to moms, I don’t really have much to brag about. My stepmother was evil and finally had the good taste to shuffle off her mortal coils, leaving nothing but mounds of debt and a lollipop tin full of ashes. My biological mother’s style was characterized mainly by benign neglect. For that reason, I fantasize about women I wish were my mommy, and sometimes I get psyched when I realize some crazy bitch wasn’t my mommy. Being five and half months pregnant myself, this is a preoccupation. So here is today’s episode of Good Mommy/Bad Mommy.
Bad Mommy
Yeah, it’s easy to kick around Dr. Laura, what with her intolerant comments about the gays and her idiotic decree that women should never return to work after becoming mothers (except for her, but that’s diff). She just released a new book, In Praise of Stay-at Home Moms, and I say, sure, they should be praised, but pack your bags if you don’t want to leave the work force, cause Dr. Laura is taking you on a long guilt trip. Think you might be valuable on the job? Prepare to tune into your local news one day and see the child you broke with your selfish “employment” picking off college undergrads with an assault rifle from a clock tower because that’s what happens if you don’t listen to Dr. Laura.
I digress.
This feature exists not to point out intolerant people, but simply those from whose vaginas I am happy I did not emerge.
There are times I enjoy her radio show, because she’s a talented broadcaster and it’s kind of fun when Dr. Laura snaps at callers and gets all “bottom line” on them, but when she comes back from commercial breaks and introduces herself as “my kid’s mom,” I get nauseous. Now, I’m pregnant, so I get to enjoy nausea all the time, but this catch phrase allows all of you to experience it with me.
I get it, the idea is to communicate that being a mother is Dr. Laura’s number one job. So, why does the whole forced endeavor seem like so much number two?
It’s one thing to take motherhood seriously, bravo to that, but it’s another thing to turn your grown ass child into your battle cry. Makes me appreciate the checked-out ghost of a woman that was my mother. In short, glad she’s not my mommy.
Good Mommy
On the other hand, how does this sound?
“What does my mom do? Oh, Nothing. Justice on the United States Supreme Court.”
good mommy
For some reason, ever since I first laid eyes on Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s lace collar and tasteful gold button earrings, I felt a surge of longing. I would like nothing more than to crawl into RBG’s lap, have her pet my hair and tell me it’s all going to be okay. After which, she can explain to me what it was like to be the first woman to be on both the Harvard and Columbia law reviews. Ruthie wouldn’t be much for bragging, but after digging our forks into some of her homemade kugel, she would tell me all about her dissenting opinion in the case of Bush v. Gore.
If Ginsburg were my mommy, when things got tough, she would remind me of the time she learned Swedish just so she could co-author a book on judicial procedure in Sweden.
Ruth would be the kind of mommy who wouldn’t lecture, but simply do things like, say, undergo cancer surgery, chemotherapy and radiation without missing a single day on the bench.
My wanna-mamma Ruth just had a second bout with cancer. She was released from the hospital after surgery, and just weeks later returned to work and attended President Obama’s speech before the joint session of Congress on February 24th, 2009.
Her own mother died of cancer just a day before her high school graduation, so Ruth and I would share a special maternal bond.
Her actual kids seem to be doing pretty well, those lucky fuckers. Jane is Professor of Literary and Artistic Property Law at the Columbia Law School while James runs a classical music recording company.
Hope these kids realize that it least from where I sit, it looks like they won the mom lottery. I know I’m old as hell to be saying this, but I want Ruthie to be my mommy.
* I had to remove the photo of Dr. Laura’s vag I posted. It was probably in bad taste and NSFW (just learned that one). Sorry for grossing anyone out. If you still want to see Dr. Laura’s Bush, here ya go.
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Tags: Craziness, motherhood, Pregnancy
Yes, Dr. Laura would be a bad mommy, but could you imagine her as a Mother-in-Law? What a nightmare!
absolutely hilarious blog… love it, even though I’m a… well, non-pregnant male.. but great stuff…
Greg
Teresa,
Heard the recent talk about naming your baby. My name is Shane and I have got to say it has been a good name. Not too many others, when someone says it, they are talking to you, and there are not too many silly ways to change it and screw it up. An ocassional Shaner or Shanker is’nt too bad.
The “Shane come back” is about unheard of now…most people that know that have passed on !
Hope you go with it!
Yeah … what they said – LOVE to hear you and Bald Bryan with Adam … awesome .. the perfect team. I truly wish that the three of you will through serendipity or contract law wind up together on some broadcast media soon (of course giving you want ever time you want with Baby Batman).
Always nice to hear you and B/Brian tearing it up on the AC podcast. The LA listening audience misses all of you. stay strong.
I caught you on Adam’s new podcast. Nice to hear the news and get a little feel of the old show. I hope when contracts run out and whatnot the team reassembles. God willing!
Kudos on the baby making too.
Hey Teresa!
Glad to hear you like balls. The best chicks pay attention to the whole package. Here are some more name suggestions:
Bruce – dignified, tough
Dylan – a little overplayed lately, but I’ve never met an uncool Dylan
Ken – a rarity these days, but a classic for obvious reasons
Regards,
David (also a pretty good name)
Teresa,
I checked out your blog after your first ACP appearance and haven’t been back since, until now. I have to admit that my first visit was a little dissapointing (sparse) but you have certainly turned up the heat and are doing an excellent job. Funny, insightful, personal. Just wanted to say “keep up the great work” and I will certainly be back often. My wife and I just had a baby 5 months ago and we still remember all too well the joy of pregnancy. It gets better when it all gets over. Remember that much.
For some pics of the cute outcome you can check out the blog I posted to this reply.
Thanks for the laughs
post of photo was probably in bad taste, and that’s what makes it funny… also the weird askance look on Dr. Laura’s face.
It used to be having a baby would take you out for a LONG time, whether you wanted to or not. You’d be in the hospital for WEEKS it seemed like. Sorta like having a tooth pulled. It used to be a bloody and painful process that would keep you out of commission for several days. Now, you go get a tooth pulled, yer back to work next day…or even LATER THAT AFTERNOON!!! Now, you have a baby, yer back home in a day or two! And what’s up with the 9 months thing? The AVERAGE pregnancy lasts for 40 weeks. I’m not great at math, but I think that works out to 10 months. Is this some kinda trick being pulled on pregnant women?
Shocking and brilliant (dry heave into trashcan)!!! Don’t change a thing!
Dr. Laura’s snatch on your blog.
You Rock!
What’s next, Martha Stewart’s tits?
Speaking of tits, your’s look great!
Loved the photo, it made me laugh, glad i wasn’t at work when I pulled it up!
I am with the other poster who misses you on the podcast also. I don’t listen to them all and in fact, find some of them a bit boring which is really a shame since I’ve listened to AC since like 1990-92 (not sure exactly when I first tuned him in)…but I miss him on real radio with you and BB.
Ummm, might want to put the more explicit picture below the fold, and tag it as NSFW, for those of us who (sometimes) read of your adventures from our desks. Not that I mind you highlighting Dr. Laura’s hypocritical, condescending, pontificating ass. Just would have been nice to be warned.
You’re right it probably is too much like baby fur seal clubbing to take on that miserable hippocritical, sanctimonious blow-hard Dr Laura, but it still feels like a soul soothing scratch of the itch she creates in your throat. I am still mystified how they get that much ignorant hatred into a relatively small female – perhaps that’s why she blows like a geyser periodically.
RBG rocks the Supreme Court. I’m sure she and her highly successful children are a constant source of annoyance to the blowhard. Since I never had the option of being a stay at home Mom, I just worked it out from day one that somehow I’d have to be a good enough employee while putting the spawn first consistently and openly. So far we’ve avoided the juvenile justice system – check back in 20 years, I’ll let you know how it all turned out. I can tell you that both of them know that they’re at the top of the food chain – amazing the things you learn when you listen to them talk with their friends while everyone is eating. My kids were cheerfully relating a story about what happened when a certain unfortunate school Principal did something I felt was inappropriate … my daughters still laugh about their Mom going off script in the office. My older daughter completed the story with “Nobody F’s with my mothers kids” LOL … this is a lot like the mouse that roared. I can never stand up for myself, but for my kids ??? Suddenly I’m She-Ra warrior. Must be something in the placenta.
Keep on gestating !
Oh how I adore you. I’m afraid I fall into a category with your dad (I married a step-monster) but, as you do with your dad, my kids still love me and forgive me the horrendous mis-step. (the guy didn’t die; I finally left him)
I don’t think you need a mommy anymore but if you want to keep blogging about that I’ll gobble it up.
Good topic, although I’m not sure if you would have ended up as interesting as you are without your stepmonster.
Congrats on the baby. I’m sure you and Batman will be great parents. We missed you at the ShakesBeer Kegger. I got a picture with Adam, and saw pictures of you there, but didn’t get a chance to say hi. Big fan, hope all’s well with you guys.
T,
This book looks like something you would enjoy reading, Sippy Cups Are Not for Chardonnay: And Other Things I Had to Learn as a New Mom by
Stefanie Wilder-Taylor
Love the pic! I’m sure Dr. L. would die seeing it here! Hah!
My wanna-mamma is Paula Deen. Being Canadian, I never get to enjoy Southern cooking, so watching her make crazy comfort food with butter, more butter and extra butter is the best. And her big jar of chocolate chips? Oooh… makes me want to snuggle in her ample bosom and sing out “Hey Y’all!”
Wow, you are an expert researcher. I don’t know how many times I’ve searched for photos of Dr. Laura’s vagina, only to come up short. Now, thanks to you, I can cross that off my bucket list.
On a slightly more serious note, please get back on Adam’s podcast. I used to podcast the radio show everyday, now I am lucky if I can listen to one a week. I really feel like the podcast is in the toilet without you and BB. I have tried to read the posts for his shows to see if I am the only one that feels this way, but after a dozen or so “Get it on”’s I have to click out.
You guys were a good team and I would like to have that back in my life. So come on, workshop that.
Tasteless, schmasteless! It’s hilarious and fearless.
I agree with the other poster. Too many people are quick to label as “in bad taste”. Your photo served it’s point. It is what it is. What’s a pregnancy blog w/o a little vag?
Congrats on the baby, the blog and all your endeavors!
Bad taste is relative. Meaning your relatives tend to have bad taste… You will probably offend some people, but I bet you are used to that anyway. Some people are offended at the drop of a hat. They wait on pins & needles for the opportunity to be offended. You wouldn’t want to dissapoint them, would you?
RBG would have been an awesome mommy! Again, as with so many of your blog updates, I totally relate and agree with everything you say. it is so fun to be pregnant at the same time as you; you’re saying what I’m often thinking, but much better than I ever could.