My husband takes me to Ojai for the weekend, where we find a little coffee house in town and I order a veggie sandwich with pesto and Swiss cheese. I tell myself I’m going to eat only half of it, like an alcoholic tells himself it’s just a slice of rum cake and it won’t trigger a bender and than he ends the night with one shoe and 47 stitches at County General trying to remember his sponsor’s phone number.
I am just going to eat half the sandwich, and wrap up the other half for later. And maybe a few bites of the fruit on the side, because you know, it is Ojai and everything’s organic and there must be some nutrients in there the baby sorely needs. Don’t want a fetus with scurvy just because I’m trying to keep the eating under control.
I feel like someone who has had gastric bypass surgery. My appetite is bottomless, but even half a sandwich makes me feel painfully full these days.
Every single time I eat, since about week 19 of pregnancy, it’s like I just pushed back from the table after bingeing at some sort of Roman bacchanal. I am both starving and obscenely full almost all of the time. It’s weird for your mind to want something your body can’t tolerate, to be insatiable and over-stuffed, magnetized and repulsed, craving and bursting.
He ain't heavy, he's my fetus.
And as I’m ordering the sandwich, and planning just to eat half, I’m seriously considering a chai latte, because we’re on vacation and it’s a vacation chai, and I think I smell nutmeg and what could be as creamy and comforting as a warm spicy beverage on an overcast day. It’s not a glass of pinot or a puff of a Camel Light, but everyone knows empty calories take away the empty feelings, or the uncertain feelings or make the thoughts stop skipping like a broken record in my brain: how much is childcare? Is my vagina going to rip when this kid comes out? How exactly do stitches in the vagina feel? Where are we putting the crib? Are we supposed to take some sort of parenting class? How much does that c-section thing scar? What is a layette and do I need one? My stomach itches. My stomach itches. My stomach itches.
And that’s where a giant sandwich stops the record skipping with the mollifying power of pesto. Of course, when you use a sandwich to solve a problem you than have two problems, especially if your stomach real estate is being encroached upon by a six month old fetus.
I eat the entire sandwich before I remember not to.
There is now a pressure on my diaphragm like someone has glued a 30-pound lead paperweight to my solar plexus.
A stupid sandwich from an Ojai coffee shop involves a two–hour recovery period and an existential crisis. And by dinner, all I can hear is the siren song of homemade cornbread, singing to me from a basket on the table, luring me into dark, carbohydrate infested waters, where I will find Davey Jones’ locker filled with pats of butter and frosted with chocolate ganache.
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Tags: Craziness, Pregnancy, weight gain
I say calm down about gaining so much weight during your pregnancy. This is the one time everyone gives you a pass for gaining weight. If I ever decide to have children, my master plan is to eat tons of avocados, pesto, and salmon during my pregnancy so my child will love all the foods I love. hehe. Does that really work?
You tot’s look like a mum in that picture.
Also, that sandwich-fuelled crisis involved more thoughts then I’ve ever had.
That photograph must have been taken AFTER the pesto and cheese sandwich!
That photograph must be AFTER the pesto and cheese sandwich!
You still look hot in that grainy picture. Anyway. Yes take a parenting class. Don’t feel like you will just know things. You wont. I wish I had. Instead my first child was the test kid. And she is fine. SHe is four but it would have been a lot, lot better if I had taken a class. Don’t be too proud to ask for help.
Hi,
I called the Carolla show once to offer to coach you through writing your book–I’m a writing teacher–but I had to go teach before Adam stopped talking long enough to get me on. I’m sure that was the plight of many callers.
I’m writing today to tell you to stop being so hard on yourself, which is advice I know you won’t, and probably can’t, take. But, it needs to be said. You’ve not only got your normal brain and all it’s functions (and dysfunctions), but you’ve got it on steroids (or hormones, as the case may be.) The worries and the self-reflection are part of the pregnancy process as they help us reflect on how we are bringing this baby into the world and what kind of world we’re bringing it into. Normal. You’re normal. And those crazy who write the books about perfectness are abnormal.
You don’t need a layette or half the other crap you’ll register for, but you should get a doula. I can recommend one if you’d like to interview her.
Take care of yourself by being less hard on yourself.
Cherri
Hey there,
I don’t know if this is the place to write to you, but I was listening to your Carolla podcast from the other day and wanted to tell you that writing a book proposal sucks ass, but once you sell it writing of the book is cake. It took me a year to write my the proposal for my first book – and three weeks to write the book. And the best part? I didn’t have to write no stinking proposal for the second one.
I unheart book proposals, best of luck to you on yours. Look forward to seeing your book on the shelves soon.
-Dawn
Damn T you are looking very sexy with the baby bump
Teresa, you’re hot AND fat, but listen, there’s a whole person in that belly so I think that’s pretty freaking acceptable.
PS- I’ve actually seen you in real life and you’re hot there too. But sorry, I won’t be kissing your belly all night long like Phil.
PPS- When little Caleb comes out, I expect he will be hot too.
Teresa, You are great and you look fabulous. I listened to the podcast and I just loved the way you talked to Natalia. You’ve got great mom potential.
It will get better…and it will get worse. My son is 15. I can still smell his little baby head. It goes by so very very fast. Take a thousand pictures every day and start while he is still in your belly. You will not regret it.
I never heard of Adam’s show on the radio…I accidently found his podcast and listen religiously. Every single freekin day. I am loving you and Brian…and am sad I never knew of you before…you are awsome and entertaining and I will keep following your sojourn. I have to say when I see that Adam has you on I dance a little dance before hitting play.
Teresa – I hear you! I avoid wearing my belly panel pants because they make me itch like crazy. So then I fold the belly panel down … and I have to hike them up!
I’ve gained 38 pounds so far, and now have 11 days or less until my guy decides he wants to grace us with his presence. I try to not worry about what I’m eating either, and for the most part, I eat healthful food. Just an occasional cup of ice cream (nearly every night) – but I figure he’s getting extra calcium, protein, and fat – all good for his brain development! Last night I looked at the sausages that are supposed to be my feet, and I realized for the first time during this 9-month journey, “My God…I have cankles!” And my husband said, “Well, there’s no denying they are a little puffier … but you are gorgeous.”
Even the chick who plays Sam on Without a Trace gained 70 pounds during her pregnancy – and she looks AMAZING now. I have a feeling you’ll be back to your old self in no time.
Stop worrying – and ENJOY!
I don’t really get why anybody come to read Teresa’s blog and judge her for what they’re writing. If you don’t like it, go elsewhere. Keep your rudeness to yourself.
Teresa, I adore this blog and have passed it along to my pregnant friend, who was comforted by your similar weight gain and down-to-earth outlook. The eps of Adam’s podcast with you and Bald Bryan are my favorites!
Teresa, you look gorgeous!! Why does reading your blog make me want another baby? It should make me want to get my tubes tied instead. I love hearing you and Bald Bryan on Adam’s podcast. You all are such a great team.
I’ve had two vaginal deliveries that involved stitches. Don’t worry, it’s all a big hazy cloud of joy now – I was crying with my husband, holding our newborn in utter disbelief, and somehow the doctor got in there to stitch me back together when I wasn’t paying attention.
You look so beautiful in that photo, Teresa!
That sandwich sounds delicious, by the way.
You are so amazingly beautiful in that picture! I could kiss that belly ALL night!!
OK… Phil…Sir… What I need for you to do for me OK right now OK just step away from the belly OK right now…
SIR OK right now just step away from the belly…
People have been giving birth vaginally for about 2 million years. In the time it took you to write that post, worrying about how much to eat, probably 50 kids in Africa died of starvation or the fact that they didn’t have access to clean water. Stop being so narcissistic. There are far more important things to worry about than whether or not you feel too full while gnoshing on organic foods from a trendy eatery.
Jesus.
You are so right, every mother should be worried about all those starving kids in Africa every waking hour instead of the nutrition she is providing her fetus.
Teresa…that is By FAR the best picture i’ve ever seen of you. you look so content and happy. Very beautiful.
Just wanted to tell you that you look unbelievably hot, even pregnant. It becomes you.
How did Davey Jones get involved in all this and aren’t you too young to remember him?
Okay people, leave the poor woman alone! She’s having an internal struggle about food, giving us some wittily packaged insight, and you’re judging?! She’s fine! She’s eating! And how funny and interesting would this blog be if she laid it all out like her sweaty, swollen prego feet smell like roses?
T, I love ya. And I do not envy you right now, cause boy do I remember the way my fetus-filled protrusion of a tummy ITCHED!!!
A
Pregnant+sense of humor= Hottest Mom In The World. More meltdown videos. funny funny funny!!!
Oops forgot to tell you. If you want to have a girl next time, get these 2 books: Choosing the Sex of Your Baby/Shettles and Taking Charge of Your Fertility/Weschler.
The key is knowing when you ovulate. I swear it worked BOTH times for me.
book title:
empty calories take away empty feelings
congratulations, great to hear you again on the AC podcast.
Teresa, you crack me up! I’m pregnant with my third but am reliving my first pregnancy through you. I love being pregnant despite everything and am confident that you will miss your baby bump (hill, mountain, whatever) when its gone! Take care and I can’t wait to hear what his name is! What a lucky little boy to have you as a mother.
Enjoy this time. The last thing you should be doing is stressing. Stress releases cortisol and other hormones that effect your baby and make him stressed out. Eating that sandwich, drinking that chai (and other enjoyable activities) releases dopamine and other “good” hormones that your baby feels as well. When you are enjoying yourself your fetus is enjoying himself. The weight will come off later, it shouldn’t be your concern right now.
I love this blog because I am due on Oct 5. Three days after you. So, I am right there with you on ALL of your observances/grievances. In fact, I am eating a frosty as we speak. Can’t help it.
a swiss and pesto sandwich is not grounds for a calorie freakout. you’re pregnant. it isn’t about your body. it’s about feeding your baby. grow up.
Hey Teresa,
You look beautiful!
If my wife was any indication, weight gain can happen kind of sporadically as compared to the “norm”. Try not to worry about it too much.
Just listened to you guys on the Adam Carolla Podcast. I miss hearing your voice on a daily basis.
Hope the naming process is getting easier. I was really pushing for Elijah with my son, but got out voted. Thought you might like it.
If you lived in a hipper part of town (read: West of Highland) you’d have to bejewel your navel. A dangling, blingy unicorn would be good.
T – I love this blog and look forward to reading every update. You are hilarious. I’m a big, big fan. YOU ROCK.
I was an avid listener to the radio show and was so sad that the format changed. I have to tell you, I love reading your blog and am such a fan of you. It is so real and honest. Any woman that has had children can relate to every word. Your body does some crazy crap and the emotions that you go through are unreal!
You are going to be a great mother and you should keep documenting all of this. You will look back and laugh. Let me tell you, you will forget it all so quickly! It’s crazy, but I guess it’s because it consumes all of your thoughts and time. Make sure you record all the baby firsts, too. You can be the best mom in the world and by the time your baby is walking someone will ask you when your baby started crawling and you won’t remember! Beware of BABY BRAIN and good luck!
This is the time in your life when nobody can give you a hard time for eating what you want. Enjoy it. You can burn calories nursing and chasing the little one around later.
My wife and I are expecting our second child in October. You’re not alone in the joy/suffering.
Here’s our little guy who’s 17 months.
http://brendenbehen.blogspot.com
I know you’re worried about the weight but you look fantastic and right on target. You were silly skinny before so you probably get to gain a little extra, right? Plus, enjoy the eating. You will never want to eat like this again and even if you did, at least right now you can do it (somewhat) guilt-free.
And I know you’re a fan of the pregnancy google (well, I don’t know if “fan” is the right word since it sounds like you have, as all pregnant women do, a love-hate relationship with the pregnancy google) so you may already know this, but– don’t forget that fetus of yours is starting to smash your stomach into a little tiny pancake. So you will be starving even when you are sickeningly full. Because two cheerios will be enough to fill your stomach after a while. Not fair, but there you go.