Pregnancy Reality Check From the Smoothie Dude
I order a smoothie and the man doesn’t offer me a free boost.
“Can I get a Vitabek?” I ask.
“Umm. Those aren’t good for pregnant girls.”
And this is the first time someone, totally unprovoked, alludes to the baby. Just from looking at me.
Which makes today one of those times I know for sure that I’m pregnant.
This isn’t just something I want to be true. This isn’t just some fantasy my doctor and husband are in on, cooking up fake sonograms just to make me happy and using some other baby’s pre-recorded heartbeat sound to convince me. No, it’s on.
The confused background processing that passes for thinking in the pregnant mind can present this as a real possibility: every symptom, every item of clothing that no longer fits, every middle of the night leg cramp, every barely digested breakfast tossed into the toilet for the last five and a half months, these are all just figments, coincidences. It could be a delusion, a sham or a wishful trance. Or maybe I’m just carrying my weight all wrong these days.
There can’t really be a baby.
That would be too weird if you just wanted to have a baby, had unprotected sex, and two months later peed on a stick and got a plus sign and pregnant. That could not have happened. Not to me.
Yet this smoothie guy is a total stranger. He could not be in on it. He took one look at me and decided it would be a bad idea to offer me a boost. Because I’m PREGNANT. I tell him I think the vitamins will probably be okay, and he says he didn’t want to say anything to me because last time, the lady turned out not to be pregnant, so he just didn’t offer, and I check out the reflection of my belly’s profile in the glass door of the smoothie shop and announce, “Well, I really am pregnant, so don’t feel bad.”
And the most banal of errands, just running out to get a raspberry banana smoothie, turns out to be pretty juicy.
(Carrie Bradshaw just vomited when she read that last line. Give me a break, they can’t all be gems).
The females in my family are predisposed to “breadbasket syndrome,” with the resulting effect of appearing to have midsize mixing bowls under our shirts. I actually had a dryer repairman ARGUE with me once over my embarrassed denial of pregnancy. He said he’d never seen a belly as big as mine on someone who was otherwise thin and not preggers. I cried for days. It was 20 years ago, but it makes me want to cry now.
Why do they not allow you a vitamin boost at the smoothie shop? They told me no once as well. I tried to order the FemmBoost or something like that. It was supposed to have calcium and all of these other vitamins that are great for women. How could this hurt my baby? Shouldn’t it help? But when the guy told me that I couldn’t have it, I felt like a horrible mother! What is wrong with a pregnant chick having a smoothie filled with vitamins?!
Oh the pregnancy police are EVERYWHERE … even at the grocery store when I’m buying coffee in bulk for my dad when it’s on sale, and the former-OB-now-cashier says, “Oh. Does BABY like all this coffee?”
Yatch. My doctor said I could have ONE cup of coffee or other caffeinated beverage a day. Didn’t realize you were my doctor now.
That is so funny! I’m 19 weeks and still waiting for my first stranger comment! Aside from my doormen and sales girls at the maternity stores that is…
T, our Aunt made me a mean virgin (yes ironic) margerita when I was pregnant the first time around. Craving citrus – and not being able to go bar hopping really did the trick.
C
Congratulations! You now get to start experiencing the joy of random strangers policing your eating, drinking, and general living of life! It’s one of the greatest joys of pregnancy.
I was a fan of the Carolla show and am glad to see you’re blogging–just heard through the grapevine. Congrats on your pregnancy!
I listened to an old Carolla show last night; one where you were explaining your dating woes. I couldn’t help but smile, because it has been so interesting to follow your love live, married life and now when the exploitation of your baby is involved. Congrats again on your impending mommyhood.
I’m so happy for you. I am also so glad your day is going better than mine.
Something in that post made me whimper a bit.
I’m here to tell you teresa that he was in on it. You are not pregnant, In fact you have not even gained any weight either, You have just fallen asleep on the bus in San Francisco and will be home very shortly. Remember to keep looking for clues and reality will eventually reveal itself to you
i try to imagine the day his supervisor told him to keep an eye out for pregnant chicks and how surreal it was for him to have to keep that in mind during his first few days. i bet a couple of times he went home wondering if he should have told a few heavy set ladies, didnt and felt guilty about it.
I am a big fan of yours since “while you were out.” I listened to Adam Carolla show religiously. I’m so glad to have found your blog. You really inspire me.
I will continue to visit th blog. Just wanted to say “hi” for now. Congrats on the baby!