Really?
Sometimes, other pregnant women work my nerves.
Mainly, I love them. I am collecting pregnant women right now because together we share what some might call “acquired situational narcissism,” but what I prefer to think of as “it’s all about us!” Who else would even bother pretending to give a crap about sonograms, nuchal fold measurements and leg cramps?
So, I really hate to turn on my own kind, but some of them have made my list of people I want to punch.
It seems kind of petty, I know, but I just want to punch pregnant ladies who get all bent out of shape when people rub their stomachs. Get. Over. Yourselves. It’s not like strangers are walking up to you for an ambush fisting. That would be rude, and unsanitary. No, they are just grazing your shirt.
And generally, it is not some belly molesting evil-doer trying to attack you, but rather a well-meaning and curious person experiencing the magnetic pull of your irresistible, giant bump. If you don’t see why that mesmerizes people, you just don’t understand the miracle of childbirth. Have you not seen TLC lately? C’mon. A baby grows in your stomach and comes out of your vagina and then goes to nursery school and becomes a full-fledged human being. If you think about it as if for the first time, and I don’t suggest you do this high, it’s mind blowing.
I get it. You don’t think people should invade your body bubble just because you’re pregnant. Yes, your body is still your own, absolutely. I just don’t quite grasp the near religious fervor that seems to screech, “Don’t touch me, because I’m so special that if your grubby hand goes anywhere near my Jesus child, I’m going to get regular people cooties!”
Do you really need the righteously indignant and borderline sanctimonious “Hands Off My Bump” maternity t-shirts and others like it available online and also in hell, where ironic maternity t-shirts are very popular? Talk about literally wearing your aggression and smugness on your sleeve.
If you want to hear a chorus of pregnant women shout “Hallelujah,” just start going off about strangers or even relatives touching your stomach, which is why I really wish I could relate or at least fake agree; I’d love that chorus behind me and I think it’s patently obvious I need validation like my fetus needs fucking Folic Acid. I just can’t.
I understand the pregnancy anger and discomfort and hormonal moods – I’m sitting here chugging Mylanta out of the bottle as I type this – but it’s really not the worst thing that’s ever happened. My specialty is whining about high quality problems, and this annoys even me. So kindly endure the four seconds of bad touch on your stomach or I’ll secretly fantasize about coming after your face.
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Tags: Pregnancy
So, I know this comment is way late (I have only recently found this blog), but I feel that I needed to add my thoughts.
In my non-pregnant state, having my stomach touched/rubbed/talked to would be socially unacceptable. Why in the world should that change just because I’m pregnant?
Yes, babies are sweet and beautiful, and I admit that I love holding babies of relatives and close friends. However, I don’t feel the urge to feel up the belly of every pregnant person I see.
It may be because I’m pregnant with twins, my original DD boobs have expanded (causing serious back pain), I waddle, and I feel huge, but the only people allowed to touch my stomach are me, my husband, and my doctor. And, I don’t feel like a princess at all for saying so.
Pregnant women want to control EVERYTHING that relates to THEIR unborn messiahs, so they, as the carefully selected purveyors of God’s kid, will control how much enthusiasm everyone gets to have. Not caring about the design and cost of the final round of diaper bag options=’Can you believe that?’ Touching the bump=’Whatever! Loser-asshole.’ Not wanting to touch the bump in first place=unforgivable.
Just WAIT til you get to the PTA. You’ve never know the desire to punch until you’ve ratified the installation of a $75 bench.
Well, the problem with the whole gettin’ grabby with some strangers belly, is that it reduces you to an inanimate object that people can just run their hands over.
Sideshow freaks get more respect than that.
I find it ridiculous when people say, “Women who don’t want strangers to touch their pregnant belly should get over themselves”. Don’t you think that people who think they are so important that a woman they don’t know should be okay with them touching their belly should get over themselves?
My wife is pregnant and it seems that instinct puts some women in a more protective state over their unborn child. Like any animal guarding its eggs. So even though they obviously mean no harm, it can cause some women anxiety just because something unknown is coming toward their unborn child. That protective state kicks and they can’t always help it. Plus some women it hurts and these douche bags that you are defending don’t give a crap. They just have to give in to their pregnant belly fascination. So I say, to reduce stress and pain on many women, it is polite to not touch their bellies.
Even though apparently everyone has some god given right to rub a pregnant woman’s belly.
Hi, I’m a guy , I wrote stuff
but I think maybe it’s too dangerous or whatever
if u want, maybe not worth it
I can send it to you somehow I duno
if u think of a way I gues reply
but I read ur blog again
ye, the shirt is alitle anoying
maybe it is a evil doer who is tryin to touch their belly
cant really trust people
sory I think ur too smart for me ey
meh
how u talk is so different that I’v seen , ergh I duno
anyways, I dont think I will show anyone what I wrote originally, maybe someone
anyways laterz
A lot of people complain that you talk about the pregnancy a bit too much but I appreciate that you called it “acquired situational narcissism”. You’re right, it must be on your mind all the time. I might’ve said something on the contrary but it won’t bother me anymore
PERSPECTIVE!
I’m thrilled that someone has finally invented the phrase “ambush fisting”.
Teresa
I’ve never been slightly tempted to touch a baby bump. In fact, due to a few mishaps, I refuse to even acknowlege a woman’s pregnancy in any way, shape, or form. I’ll disregard “Baby on Board” shirts, broken water, and screams of “dial 911″ to save myself the embarassment of ever again asking a fat woman when she’s due.
I wonder if any obese women have ever gotten their babka bumps patted…
Anyway… should I ever run into you, Teresa, I promise I’ll touch you all over.
After reading this post, methink you will enjoy this video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJRzBpFjJS8
methinks. Der.
That’s what I get for posting a comment with a toddler on my lap.
T,
I feel compelled to pretend this is a personal email. I also feel the need to preface any negativity by saying that I loved you on the morning show and all your other media based incarnations as I do not know you in real life. However, I would like to defend the people who do not want random strangers to touch them. I would not like a random stranger to rub my belly. Being pregnant would not make me feel that a stranger should rub any part of me. If you’re cool with it, cool, but some people, i.e. me, are not that comfortable with being touched by people who we are not incredibly close to. It’s a personal neurosis that I think you could understand although, I get that wearing that sentiment on your belly is a bit much. I really do think that you are great, though. I don’t want to sound crappy. Isn’t it strange that we (or maybe just me) only feel strongly compelled to comment about something we disagree with instead of the multitude of times we have agreed?
I am really sad to hear about Bald Bryan. I started to cry a little listening to the podcast. It doesn’t help that my boyfriend of six years might have lip cancer. Bad times. Sorry, cathartic.
T,
Thank you for your blog. I am with you that most women get their panties in a bunch about pregnancy and especially the belly touching. I am not one of those women. I am 21 weeks pregnant with our first child and am just beginning to show enough to attract the belly touchers. I really don’t mind. Thank you for speaking out for those of us who are not pregnancy princesses!
Hi T,
Not sure what happened to my comment yesterday – lost to the ether I suppose. But I wanted you to know that I loved this installment. I agree with you that our society fosters a level of princessy behavior that is both inappropriate and annoying. When I was pregnant, I tended to view myself as a buddha-in-the-flesh that compelled otherwise boundary saavy folks to reach out. I had two sort of standard replies I give based on the creepiness level of the rubber (you could always tell a rubber approaching by the look in their eye). Reply number one for non-creepy rubbers – OK if you win the lotto now, I get half. Reply number two for creepy rubbers – You know, in several middle eastern countries, we are now considered married, got a pen, I tell you where to send the alimony check.
Congrats on the half way point.
I totally agreed with your reaction to BB’s news – my first thought other than man does this suck beyond words was “his poor Mom…. I cannot even imagine such a thing with either of my kids”
Love your blog. I’m due on Oct 5, and this is my second. I completely agree with you about people coming up and touching their bellies…with the exception of the previous post where it physically hurts, which just sounds painful. I think being pregnant is an incredible thing which is why people are compelled to touch.
I love the name James. It is my brother’s name. We called him James from the moment he was born until the day he left for college. We sucessfully indoctrinated him as a child…to defend his name James. I remember clearly people meeting him as an insanely cute 4 year old, oh what is your name? James. Oh Jimmy! No! My name is James. We were very proud.
And then he left for the Army, and came home Jim. sigh…. After the military, he then went to college as Jim.
My brother is now 36 years old, with his own family and life. So because of your comment on the podcast I pinged him this morning…here is the result:
[11:28] Me: hey, so do people at work and your friends call you James or Jim?
[11:29] Brother: james….. I get Jim from complete strangers
[11:29] *** Auto-response sent to Brother: I am currently away from the computer.
[11:29] Brother: it pisses me off
[11:29] Me: OH! cool! I remember for awhile there in the Army and college you were going by Jim right?
[11:29] Brother: yeah, they were close friends
[11:30] Brother: that liked calling me jim… that didn’t bother me
[11:30] Brother: but if I’m talking to a customer service person and tell them my name is James and then they call me Jim… it annoys me….. they are suggesting a closeness that doesn’t exist
[11:31] Brother: the annoyance is fresh in my mind cause it happened today
[11:31] Brother: why do you ask?
So there is hope! He went back to James…and I know that his wife calls him James as well.
So just two cents laying on the street…feel free to walk on by…I mean it is not like you can easily stop and pick them up right now anyway.
Love the blog.
Also, in regards to Adam’s podcast and boys hating mom… I love my mom.
Don’t worry – Adam is wrong about boys and their moms. He’s just exaggerating for humor. No one will love you more or be more protective of you than your son. They are loyal and feel great affection. Don’t fret.
Hi Teresa,
Love the blog. My wife had a lot of don’t touch me issues when she was pregnant. She became a lot more accepting with our second and third child and as others in our circle of friends became pregnant. She did want people to ask before rubbing her belly which I think is fine.
I like the name Shane! If you like it don’t let anyone let you change it. If my third child was a boy we would have named him Elyas which fits into our different without being unique criteria (ie no John, Logan, etc).
I hear the podcast with Brian today. He is so positive. How do you help your children have that positive outlook! His Parents should be so proud of how he is dealing with this.
All the best,
Hey Teresa,
I just listened to the Adam podcast and it reminded me of the things you said on the previous podcast. I just wanted to let you know that I have a son, now 3, who loves his mother. At least a half dozen times a day he’ll say: “Hey Mom?…(or Dad) I love you”. Additionally, I am a 32 year old son who dearly loves his mother. I even got that “MOM” tattoo you mentioned on the last podcast. I got it for mother’s day two years ago. I also have three brothers who would all be lost if it weren’t for Mom. My point is: You’re better off with a boy. There just as loving and swet as girls and are way less likely to tell you that they hate you when their 12-17. As for the farting, You’ll just have to deal.
So far I’ve been blogging about our son for 3 years and 2 months. The part about the delivery may add to your neuroses, but the rest is all uphill. Give it a read. thebirdsongs.blogspot.com
I am one of those pregnant ladies that prefers hands off (think tje shirt is a riot). In general I don’t like strangers touching me and now these same strangers are reaching for my belly… Yuk! I am generally polite but find it gross particulary now at almost 5 months…I am just getting used to my new size/shape. Note, I am very happy to have friends and family feel my belly anytime…and will make more sense once my baby is moving around more
T!
This is totally off topic, and I hope this gets to you…
I miss hearing your voice with Carolla every day. You can brighten any morning with ease. I am actually writing to you with a specific request. I plan to propose to my girlfriend this year. I had hear about cultured diamonds before, but listening to your editorials on the show cemented the idea in my head. I have found a few sources online, but a lot are offering “diamond simulants” which turn out to be slightly fancier CZ. The sites I have found that offer real cultured diamonds only offer them in shades of pink, yellow and blue.
Did you run into this problem too? Can you recommend a reputable dealer to purchase cultured gems? I am serious about trying to take this route if possible.
Thanks in advance,
Tony
PS – I hope Batman and the little Caped Crusader-to-be are doing well.
Hi T,
Just a note to let you know that in spite of being nearly illiterate, I am enjoying reading your blog. Thanks and keep up the good work!
Miss you on the radio, glad I found the blog.
Greetings & Salutations Teresa!
I’m not the most intelligent person on the planet. My intelligence is actually in question by many people. What i’ve been able to comprehend from reading your blog is that not only are you probably the most mentally balenced woman on the planet…you might just well by the ONLY mentally balanced mother-to-be to ever exist! Personally, i’ve never even considered touching a pregnant woman’s belly nor do I give it any thought whatsoever. But reading and hearing about all these instances, sure a female’s body is her business but you said it yourself …some people are just curious. As long as they’re not being rude or disrespectful..is it really a big deal?
I love your blog and completely agree with 100% of your postings! I know this might sounds very strange and even a little bit creepy but I feel like I know you are we are kind of going throught this together. I found out I was pregnant at the end of November. I used to listen to you on the Adam Carolla radio show every day at work and was pretty bummed when the big “no more show” announcement was made! I remember thinking how neat it would be if you announced your pregnancy before the final show! So when you did, I was so excited for you. Anyways, I like you thought for sure I was having a girl but found out I was wrong and it took me a few weeks to process it and get over the shock. I am so glad you started this blog, it is really nice to have someone to identify with. Sorry to be so long-winded, but I really want to Congratulate you and wish you and your little guy health and happiness!
PS- When are you due? I have less than two months to go!!
I was a “Hands of My Belly” Chick. I don’t like touching. I was enormous, i looked like i was carrying twins because i’m 5′0″ on a good day and i was constantly asked when my twins were due. so yeah, it was all hands OFF deck. i didn’t enjoy the attention i got because i was so big, i was not like you T, i did not look cute when i was pregnant.
I LOVED when people rubbed my bump, if I knew them. Or if strangers at least asked and were not totally gross. It totally went along with the situational narcissism (great term, by the way)– I was like, I know! It’s amazing and I am obsessed with pregnancy now, too, so if you could just amazed and obsessed for five seconds while you rub my belly, that would be great.
The problem, of course, is when some old creepy guy at the grocery store decides he wants to molester your front side and you having that baby bump is a good excuse.
And it’s a good “in” for the Ridiculous Advice Corps. that you never want to hear another word from.
Though I detest the thought of being a parent, and I’m not really a fan of children either, I do agree with your point here T.
I am enjoying your new blog immensely.
It’s not that I won’t want other people’s germs on my “Jesus Child” or I won’t think people should invade my body bubble just because I’d be pregnant. I don’t like to be touched by strangers period. When hell freezes over and I do get pregnant, I fully intend on getting a “don’t touch the bump” shirt. I’ll send you a picture so you can punch that.
….”acquired situational narcissism”, fantastic. I’d never thought of that before in relation to pregnant women. Maybe post-partum depression is related to attention withdrawal and the growing realization you’re going to be spending a significant part of your day cleaning up sh-t for years to come.
((wishing you were doing the news))
“Maybe post-partum depression is related to attention withdrawal…” COMPLETELY agree.
Thank goodness someone had the balls to finally say it! I totally agree! Oh Boo! Get over yourself! The people who are so anti-belly touching are probably the same people who bend at the waist and double pat on the back when you hug them. As if affection is somehow foreign to them, wonder how they even managed to get knocked up in the first place?
I understand people are well meaning but that doesn’t change the fact that (25% of) females have experienced *bad* touch and have body boundary issues.
This is probably on top of strangers/people you barely know asking if you’re going to have a vaginal birth. It can all get very squicky and it’s the main reason why I can never be pregnant.
lol, very well said! I love you
You’re awesome Teresa!
Teresa Strasser. Hormone-i-ously Edgy. Witty. Danger-ously Cheesy.
As I recall it never bothered me since most people were genuinely considerate and sweet about wanting to touch “the bump”…..even at my biggest..with a kick thrown in for excitement.
I totally agree! I for one enjoyed the attention I got with my giant bump! it was great. That really stinks for Trish (above me) that she cant stand nothing touching her belly, you really are missing out on a lot of great chat starter. Witch leaves me to my point, I don’t care who you are you enjoy being the center of attention when you walk in to a room that is what being a woman is all about! being pregers or not you are getting that attention one way or the other. I agree with Teresa here 100% Enjoy every second of it Teresa I swear its the best thing ever!
Go get ‘em T!
The only reason I freak out at people touching the bump is because it HURTS LIKE HELL. I’m 39 weeks, measuring 43, and the skin is so tender and raw from the stretching that even my t-shirt feels like sandpaper. The last thing I need is somebody rubbing it too.
Oh, Trish! That sucks!
Sorry for u!