I Need You To Really Think About Your Balls

 

Testing the tensile strength of Spanx

Testing the tensile strength of Spanx.

I know having “big balls” is prized, at least metaphorically, but guys, imagine if your balls were three times their normal size, swollen, sensitive, hanging heavy and splaying uncomfortably across your thighs. Big, giant balls would get in your way, as awesome as they sound.

I’m now 20 weeks pregnant and two full cup sizes bigger than when I started. And it’s not all that.

 

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I just bought this Spanx bra in a 36C. I hate bras, but this one isn’t so bad, if you’re looking.

I was sitting having coffee with a friend when the front clasp came undone, apropos of nothing, and I just busted out of my brand new C cups. Maybe it was caused by the dangerous mixture of a robust inhale with a moment of slight slouching. Basically, I was sitting there stock-still. I don’t blame the Bra-llelujah, but my boobs are growing so fast they are actually testing the tensile strength of Spanx.I know this is supposed to be one of the best things about being pregnant, but I didn’t mind my A-cups. These new boobs are tender and unwieldy. It’s hard to sleep without rolling over and pinching one of them. Sometimes I can actually feel growing pains in one or the other, like when my mind wanders during a boring movie (thanks Angels and Fucking Demons, for giving me 138 minutes to notice the stinging, aching feeling of my breasts inching toward a D-Cup).

I keep trying to wear the little bralette things I used to wear, you know, no underwires, no hooks, you just slip them over your head and they look sweet and girlie, but now they feel suffocating, like something Joan of Arc would have worn to bind herself down and pass as male. Joan of Arc or Yentl. Or Brandon Teena. My point is this: you want to have balls, you want to have brass balls even, or balls of steel, you may even want to go balls to the wall, but big balls? I would think twice.

Note: It might seem weird to address dudes on a pregnancy blog, but thanks to working on the Adam Carolla Show, I think I have the only pregnancy site that guys seem to be reading. And that takes balls. Thank you. 

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38 Responses to “I Need You To Really Think About Your Balls”

  1. Fishing Umbrella
    December 14, 2010 at 12:57 pm #

    the maternitiy dress of my sister sure do looks very cute and lovely, they are of floral design “.,

  2. Vorg
    July 3, 2009 at 1:42 pm #

    “… little bralette things I used to wear, you know, no underwires, no hooks, you just slip them over your head and they look sweet and girlie…”

    :|
    Ridiculously small bras are the least girly looking thing possible.

  3. Ghost Ace Killah
    June 5, 2009 at 5:17 pm #

    Riveting stuff about your boobs, Teresa. Keep up the great work… If ever I find myself in prison, I’ll be sure to mail you a pube.

  4. George
    June 3, 2009 at 1:39 pm #

    Reading this gave me a boner. Please talk more about your breasts growing too big for your clothes, AKA my greatest fantasy. I can’t wait to have a wife with expanding bosoms.

  5. jo
    June 2, 2009 at 3:03 pm #

    Boobies weren’t made for guys, they were made for babies.

  6. william
    May 28, 2009 at 7:39 am #

    thats awsome. those nipple sensitivity must be getting through the roof in pleasure..LOL would love balls like that to of course

  7. jen
    May 21, 2009 at 11:48 pm #

    spanx makes bras? seriously … that is all that i gained from this post … except for the giganto laugh about making men think about the idea of giant balls. but it is making me run out right now to buy a new bra. who am i kidding? internet shopping is where it’s really at.

  8. pimp_juice
    May 21, 2009 at 3:16 pm #

    i agree with chas

  9. Lakewiz
    May 20, 2009 at 10:18 pm #

    Leave it to you Teresa to shoot my “wow check out her bigger boobs” thrill out of the sky.

    You know there so few things we guys get as a bonus from your (ok our wives/partners) pregnancy.

    Your whatever size boobs growing bigger by the day is like a manna from heaven. Now there will be a moratorium on the daydreaming due to the big, sore, swinging “ballus interuptus” you have now injected into our thought process. Geez !

    Here I thought the sensitivity factor was a benefit. Little did I know it was negative factor. Realizing the upcoming breastfeeding (which I hope you are blessed to be able to experience) will be cutting Batman off from any claim to ownership, he better enjoy what little time he has left. Now I’ll be going into a strange place but I assure you its with love. My wife had serious nipple cracking and very sore nipples while breastfeeding for a time. Once the nipple got used to it, things got better but there were many times she would have tears in her eyes from the pain. A pain she so bravely and with all thought for our child endured. Cant begin to tell you how much I loved her for that. But I’m going down this road to encourage you to …oh boy…..to well…toughen up your nipples to prepare for what will drive you to kick the boy to the bottle. How you ask….well….this is where Batman gets a little fun. Tugging, pinching (lightly) and of course you can guess what else will condition them for what your little sonny will top by ten fold in a few short months. There are several nipple balms on the market but the best we found was Lansinoh. Also the breastpads were the best. Every mom is different and while I would never look down on any mom for giving up due to pain,bleeding or cracking…I hope you will endure it and give your little boy the most beautiful, healthy …connecting gift a mother can give. I was always a bit jealous to see her feeding him and the look in his eyes. Luckily once he was done I got to burp and hold him and what I missed in feeding I recieved in the secondary duties.

    Thanks for sharing with us T. Your the bomb. I hope you are doing ok in the overthinking dept. Just let it flow. And you think its hard now…just wait till hes crapping all over the car seat in 107 degrees on the freeway and you cant stop right away. FUN FUN FUN…lol…
    Keep it up …love your blog
    Lake

    • Jessica
      June 24, 2009 at 6:14 pm #

      T-
      Love the blog, love you, desperately miss you in the morning. I have religiously been reading this blog and the comments and have often thought of writing, but didn’t really have anything to add. Now, thanks to Lake, I do. I have an 18-month old daughter (Simone) and I nursed her for the first 10 or so months. Because I work full-time, I did the horrible pumping thing for the first year. God. It was awful. Anyway, I don’t know what your plan is, but if you listen to nothing else from anyone ever, hear this: don’t put too much pressure on yourself to nurse. So much of it is psyschological and it is not even as close to “natural” you would think. So, if you are having a hard time with it, don’t freak out. Try and relax, get some help (Binky at the Pump Connection in Woodland Hills is amazing), and if it is too hard go to Costco for a vat of formula. It will be fine.

      The other thing I would say is that if you take Lake’s advice and try the nipple cream, learn from my horror. That stuff STAINS. A LOT. Especially the Lansinoh. I loved the Mother Love brand. It is all organic and natural and if baby ingests it, it is no big deal. Plus, the texture is way better than the Lansinoh.

      Anyway, I hope this helps (if you even read these posts). We seem pretty similar — career-driven and neurotic — so I know you must already be stressing about the whole breastfeeding thing. Good luck and I can’t wait to hear more about the next few months.

  10. Alison
    May 20, 2009 at 3:50 pm #

    HAHAHAH! this is a hilarious blog! :)

  11. Stacey
    May 20, 2009 at 1:38 pm #

    I have yet to get pregnant, but thank you for being so informative. I already have 36C boobs, I wonder how big my tits will get, when I do get pregnant?

  12. matthew dickey
    May 20, 2009 at 12:12 pm #

    T – miss you everyday babydoll. sorry to hear about your big boob woes, but here are some big ball woes for you to laugh at. i just had a vasectomy (thanks wifey) and my doc didn’t numb righty up enough so when i felt him snipping then hitting both ends with his hot gun to seal them up i moved and he told me to hold still – doc i’m trying, believe me i am trying but i feel that. he gave me an extra shot for lefty and i felt nothing. smashcut to the following week, my balls have doubled in size and are terribly brusied – hurts to walk. finally go to the follow up appt and the doc apologizes over and over and tells me it will get better in 2-3 weeks. they are now finally feeling a bit better and thankfully getting smaller – so i’m with you on the pain sweetie. take care and keep writing.

  13. summertime
    May 20, 2009 at 10:44 am #

    I went from an A to a C during pregnancy, and almost a D while breastfeeding, and now that he’s weaned I’m back down to a B. I thought having bigger boobs would be fun (boyfriend enjoyed them), but really they kind of sucked. But now that they’re gone, I miss them (boyfriend still enjoys little boobs, which is cool… but he’s a dude, he just likes boobs in general).

  14. Dudenstienberg
    May 20, 2009 at 8:26 am #

    Here’s the deal strassmeister. Your boobies have now officially become JUGS. The things you’re complaining about seem to be things that long-time jug owners have dealt with for decades. Ever since kane and able raced their velociraptors near the beach to check out Eve’s perfect mammers.

    This should be a celebration. This is a graduation, there should be graduation cap shaped pasties involved. Where’s the Pomp and circumstance?

    Thank you.

    ps.
    I miss your morning news.

    Mareike Kuypers:
    (loud and slow)
    WELCOME TO OUR PLANET. We hope the transition will be easy for you. I think you will find human behavior quite interesting.

  15. Eric
    May 20, 2009 at 12:14 am #

    Hi T, I’m another man who misses you and therefore is reading his first baby blog. I think the bigger boobs will grow on you, pardon the pun. They can become a real asset actually, you’ll see. And then just remember that breastfeeding removes about 500 calories a day. You’ll be Slim n Stacked Strasser, Batman is so lucky!

  16. Beth G.
    May 19, 2009 at 10:13 pm #

    So I haven’t been pregnant yet; my husband and I are waiting another year before we start trying. But I am a B-cup, and I was wondering, not to get too personal, but, as your breasts grow the extra cup-size or two, do you get stretch marks? I wouldn’t mind a C-cup, but the stretch marks scare me.
    By the way, I love your blog and miss you and gang on the radio. I have linked to your blog from mine (although I think only a couple of my friends actually read mine!) because I love it so much, so keep on writing! I am looking forward to my own whole pregnancy-thing, and I will definitely read back on your blog as a normal-person-experiencing pregnancy reference.

  17. Amy
    May 19, 2009 at 9:59 pm #

    I use Bravado bras. Yeah, they’re made for nursing, but they’re really comfortable, stretchy and soft.

  18. Marc C.
    May 19, 2009 at 7:08 pm #

    I’m sufficiently creeped out by the above comment. Like… yeah. Ick.

    • Marc C.
      May 19, 2009 at 7:09 pm #

      Woops, I didn’t realize I’d be at the top. I meant the first comment. The one by Chas. Creepy, creepy Chas.

  19. Christine M
    May 19, 2009 at 2:10 pm #

    I have big boobs too, never having been pregnant I can not imagine them growing – or my being able to find something that fits if I did get pregnant. Now I’m going to take a moment to be thankful.

    You should try to watch that BBC America channel special about big boobs. I just taped it a couple weeks ago and it was pretty interesting. They even forced small chested women to try and carry large breasts around for a day. I enjoyed that part the most!

    You didn’t mention, what does your husband think of your new ta-ta’s?

  20. Ashlie1028
    May 19, 2009 at 1:36 pm #

    My boobs started developing at a very young age so as you can imagine I am a big boobie girl. My normal size was a D. Once I was pregnant they became a DD. So be thankful you’re only at a C cup. I was wearing that size in the 5th grade!! lol The downside to the growing boobie is what they say in the movie “Knocked up”: “They’re gonna get big…then they’ll get scary big. But then they’ll go down… and stay down.” lol so….ENJOY! :D

  21. john
    May 19, 2009 at 10:59 am #

    Guys, you creep me out.

  22. David
    May 19, 2009 at 5:49 am #

    You know really all guys can really understand this. One of the most embarrassing and uncomfortable things to happen is when you get an erection as kid in front of a classroom or something like that. Every guy would be happy in class if a girl’s bosom were to suddenly burst forward into their shirt. No one wants to see a dude’s boner as he reads aloud his report on the underground railroad

    Dave out!

  23. T
    May 19, 2009 at 12:47 am #

    Sorry they’re uncomfortable, I can only imagine, but you look really freakin’ pretty and feminine (not that you didn’t before)! Not just the rack, but everything.

  24. Michela
    May 18, 2009 at 11:04 pm #

    Don’t tell me that – the whole actually having boobs thing is the only thing I’m looking forward to about being pregnant!

  25. Pregzilla
    May 18, 2009 at 10:32 pm #

    I’m 38 weeks. My small B’s are now robust D’s. IT SUCKS. Big boobs are totally overrated. Give me back my small tits please!

  26. tedder
    May 18, 2009 at 10:16 pm #

    T, as one of your guys, I’m glad you are blogging, it’s nice to “hear” your voice on a regular basis.

  27. Steph
    May 18, 2009 at 9:50 pm #

    heheh, preggers porn.

  28. Eric
    May 18, 2009 at 9:32 pm #

    I hope Adam made the obligatory, “Spanx is what we’re going to do to that story” joke.

    I don’t think the big package thing works as well for guys as the big boobs do for girls. It’s not like we can show a little in public and go trolling. There are tighter jeans but they’re really uncomfortable and need almost constant adjustment. I don’t think it makes much of a difference until you can break it out in the sack anyway.

  29. Anne
    May 18, 2009 at 9:27 pm #

    Try having a D cup in regular life. I shutter to think what will happen when I get pregnant…

  30. B
    May 18, 2009 at 9:11 pm #

    Oh my god… I am with you!!! I am 22 weeks and I had small A’s and only made it up to a small B.. thank goodness… and all I keep thinking is “why do women want bigger boobs?” I was happy with my little ones… and so was the hubby!! But on the downside, even small maternity dresses are too huge in the chest for me!!

  31. Mareike Kuypers
    May 18, 2009 at 7:23 pm #

    I just don’t get the wanting big boobs thing or, if you are male, wanting a “big package.” Who wants huge things hanging off their bodies (well apparently plenty of folks but I don’t get it.)

  32. Carmen
    May 18, 2009 at 7:11 pm #

    Wow! I want to get pregnant! I want my boobs to get bigger dammit :)

  33. Beth
    May 18, 2009 at 6:28 pm #

    lol. I totally understand you. With my first, I went from a D cup, to a DD, a large DD. With my second, I was starting to spill out of a DDD…and now, baby number 3 on the way, and my DDDs are getting a bit too constricting. I’m only almost 11 weeks along, but they are growing rapidly, and bring me to tears from the pain. :(

  34. Mark
    May 18, 2009 at 6:23 pm #

    One more reason why your husband is the most fortunate man on the face of the earth!!!

  35. chas
    May 18, 2009 at 6:14 pm #

    You should post actual monthly pictures of your breasts as they grow. You should also film a porn video with your husband. Don’t let those C’s go to waste. ( o )( o )

    • HeatFlash
      June 4, 2009 at 3:06 pm #

      Yes! Yes!

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