People I Want to Punch
If one more mom tells me, “Go to the movies now, because after you have the baby, you’ll never get to go to the movies again,” or “Go on a trip now, because once you have the baby, you’ll never leave town again,” or “Have a date night now, because you will never see your husband again,” I am going to punch her right in her tired, defeated face.
Hey, how about you shut your rude, projecting, bitter soup coolers and let me be?
Just let me just deal with the fact that I feel like I’ve been strapped to the spinning tea cup ride at goddamn Dizzyland for the last 11 weeks.
Allow my nauseated, terrified, pregnancy-hobbled brain to stick to its usual troubling fare, and by that I mean non-stop oscillating between thoughts of various fatal genetic defects and how best to phrase it to people if I end up having a “non-viable pregnancy.”
Stop to consider that as a first-time mom-to-be, I’m kind of overstocked with worries right now. It’s like you’re peddling mortgage-backed securities to AIG. No gracias, I got enough of those and they’re all toxic, anyway.
To see me all bulging about the middle is to know I’m in a serious “no backsies” type situation, so keep it to yourself if you think my life will be a dingy wasteland once my bundle of joylessness arrives.
Let’s talk about a girl named Kim.
Having heard I was pregnant, she messaged me on Facebook with the following advice, “Take a look at your body right now, because it will never look this way again. Your stomach will be so pock marked and stretched out, there will be nothing you can do about it, so enjoy it now.”
I barely know this woman, and while I am impressed at her ability to paint such a richly hued portrait of how crappy I’m going to look, I can’t understand what drives her other than pure evil.
Stretch marks are genetic, and they may also be caused by excessive or rapid weight gain. However, what if there is another, more mysterious cause? What if the collagen gods punish people like Kim for being passive-aggressive twats?
You can’t laser that away, Kimmy. See you on Punch you in the Facebook.If I do morph into a bleary-eyed, pock-marked, sad sack with spit-up and organic oatmeal in my hair who is too neurotically attached to her precious child to allow anyone to baby sit, I hope to have enough compassion to lie my saggy ass off when I see a pregnant girl and simply say, “You are going to love being a mom.”
T, I feel you on this one 100%. Some people are so rude to pregnant women. Somehow they feel that your pregnancy gives them the right to touch you without permission, make rude comments about your “weight gain”, and predict how miserable and unattractive you would be when it was all over. I have childless friends who claimed to know what my life and body would be like after having children. I can’t even begin to tell you how many face slapping fantasies I had with both pregnancies. And the mothers who loved spreading doom to mothers-to-be were the absolute worse. It seemed they got off on sharing the sad elements of their experience.
Ignore the nuts and stick to your moment. Don’t give the nuts a dish to sit.
Well, well. You know what.. I have been through airports and on planes with Lots of people with babies (including my wife and I). Having a child never stopped us from travelling (by plane or car), airlines are prepared for this – just ask at the check in counter if you need anything special! So people who say it, can shut the F up. Having a baby never stopped us from getting a sitter, or even taking the baby with us to a restaraunt to eat; granted, some are more baby friendly than others, so know which ones are appropriate and which aren’t – feed your baby BEFORE you feed yourself and they will be calm or sleeping the whole time so YOU can enjoy yourself. Just use common sense. Get a Breast pump… USE it.
As for body changes, this is all genetics and how you take care of yourself. My wife was 110 pounds, and she “snapped” right back to her same weight and shape just a couple months after having the baby, and she did tummy excercises to help out. Some women get stretch marks worse than others, try some creams to keep your skin elastic, exercise after the baby to make sure you drop the weight if you gained it. I think many women use having a baby as an excuse to not excersize and thus stay fat – you choose if you want to be that way, it doesn’t choose you. Most of my wife’s friends that have kids also “snapped” back to their same weight, or shape, sure your hips might get a little wider, sure youhave that tummy roll (but excersize) and a lot of that will go away. Its just my experience.
As for movies… get a sitter. Or use the grandparents, if my parents lived close by, my kids would spend a lot more time with them, and not because I want to escape my kids, but because it is actually good for their devlopment and bonding with the grandparents.
You will be a fine mom… You have more of it figured out than you possibly know.
Hello, Teresa
I’m not, nor will I ever be, pregnant, so I have no advice to offer you, but I just wanted say I always thought you were one of the best parts of the ACS, and I really miss hearing you in the mornings! I’ve always thought you were a really amazing writer, and I’m glad I found out about your new blog through TBTL.
Hang in there. I wish I had some pithy advice, but I don’t. I just think you’re awesome, and a lot times I really related to what you talked about on Adam Corolla. I’ll look forward to seeing how things pan out for you in this new “adventure”.
here, here, T.
in the 5 months that i’ve been preggers, i have discovered that most moms are simply looking for an excuse to make it all about them. when they say stuff like, “oh well life is gonna suck blah blah blah,” just smile and say, “thanks for the insight. i’m sorry that was your experience,” and move on with your day. i’m sure you and batman have so much joy between you about this baby that it none of the other crap matters.
as my mom very wisely says, “hurting people hurt.” don’t let those sad sacks get ya down. xo
Just punch them in the C-word!!
I’m so glad I’m a guy—
I’d like to say that even though I may not be able to get to the movies as often or travel as easily ect…. It’s because most of the time I would RATHER spend time with my son then doing all those “all of a sudden not so important” things. You’ll see. You’ll love it. Welcome to Mommyhood!!
Have you noticed that the comments that say we are mean mothers that just want to pee in your cheerios are mostly men? Of course they have it easier. I had to pee one day in Venice and the stroller wouldn’t fit in the bathroom (get used to this too!) and so I left my newborn baby with Shelly Hack who was in line behind me because I figured I could identify her if she stole him ” It was the fifth angel Officer, the one after Cheryl Ladd…”. She gave me the best advice(?) which was that it was going to suck hard, my husband was going to sleep thru it all, we would yell things at 3 in the morning that we would be humiliated to have anyone else hear, and then it would get better. She was right, but I still have only seen 3 non-Pixar movies in the past 4 year years and we get screeners!
All I’m saying is that if you are at all into reading quietly in the corner, well, get over it because it will never happen if there is a child present.
Cheerios soggy,
xox
Marisa
Hi Teresa:
I’ve missed hearing you since the morning show ended and was glad to catch up with you on the recent podcast.
Just a shout-out to you as another sister who:
1. Got married later in life (me, at 40)
2. Got pregnant without intervention (on our honeymoon)
3. Was imagining giving birth to a little girl (to whom I could pass on my grandmother’s costume jewelry and my mom’s dollhouse furniture), then found out we were having a boy and panicked.
Anyway, my son (3.5 years old) is fantastic, so fun and affectionate, and if you think a little girl in a store in butterfly wings is cute, wait until your little boy HAS to wear his cowboy hat and boots to Vons.
Hang in there and try not to listen to the many strangers who will try to give you advice. You’re already your baby’s mom and can live your life any way you want, now and later!
p.s. We did have a baby girl 21 months after we had our son.
p.p.s. I do not have stretch marks.
It is all a bucket of lies, don’t listen to any negative shit. if you want a date, or a movie, or a bottle of wine, then you can make it happen. my husband and i went out on a date 6 days after my son was born. My baby was in the car seat next to the table, and didn’t make a peep the whole time (they really are so easy when they are that small). Walks as a family through the park, the three of you cuddling on the couch, family meals. . .a loud movie in a theater will seem like hell compared.
And P.S. You need this book. It is smart women writing about how amazing boys are. Maybe you can contribute to the next edition!
http://www.amazon.com/Its-Boy-Women-Writers-Raising/dp/1580051456
Comedian/actor Patton Oswalt had a similar blog entry on the subject. Might make you smile
Hello teresa!
I haven’t read all the comments people posted in response to your wonderful blog, but I have to give you some advice my lovely doctor gave me. My very first doctors appt he told me the basics and the whole run down. Bbut there was one thing that stuck in my head and I never forgot.
I am very tall, 5’11” 140 pounds. I’m so tall I didn’t really start showing until I was about 6 months. Yeah you’re probably thinking, shut up skinny girl. But I was hurt when people wouldn’t believe I was pregnant. I would be so excited to tell people and they would critasize me for being so thin. I was so worried I asked my doctor if I was normal. He looked at me and told me, people are going to tell you whatever they want now that your pregnant. They don’t have a funnel any more. So just take it and don’t bother with it.
And its so true! I’m 8 and half months now and people are still telling me this and that. Just brush it off and move along teresa!
Congrats and welocme to the wonderfdul world of mommy!
Hopefully, by the time I have kid, we’ll be drugging them right out of the womb, and I’ll be able to have a nice night out.
I think that kind of thing is totally insulting. Not only to you, as a pregnant woman, but to the children of the person who is telling you that. Is her life really so terrible because this child has come into her life? Perhaps she should reflect a little on why her own experience has been so terrible.
I’m still annoyed, and my son is seven weeks old. Already we have been on one vacation, and are planning another one for the summer and a *gasp* overseas vacation over Christmas! I remember traveling myself when I was very young, and I remember traveling with my brother when he was very young. It definitely presents challenges, but it can be done. So far, we have, in fact, been on dates, they’ve just included a baby. Before you can get a babysitter, the baby is really very easy to bring with you. Then… you can get a babysitter! Going to the movies is hard in the first few months, but you’ll have grandparents who are willing to take the baby while you take a two-and-a-half-hour parenting break (they just appear… sometimes for several weeks… we don’t live near our parents).
As for stretch marks and body changes, stretch marks are genetic, and generally fade. You can gain an appropriate amount of weight and then lose that appropriate amount of weight. And, even after a difficult birth, when it comes down to it, most people can still smile and say it’s not that bad. People just like to share their war stories.
Also, having a baby, it’s fun! That’s why people have more than one. So there.
Why are you so sure there are grandparents around you narrow-minded tweeb? And where do you go on dates that let you bring a baby? Chili’s?
T, you are my hero! I’m not even PREGNANT but I laughed my ass off at this column. And, knowing how ONE negative comment can send you into a shame spiral, regardless of how many positive comments you get, go ahead and punch megamom for calling you mean.
You. Are. BRILLIANT. I’m forwarding your column to my sister, who when she was pregnant with twins, heard NOTHING but terrifying stories of everything that could go wrong, and how sooooo hard it was going to be. The twins are healthy, of course they are a challenge, but they are SO DAMN FUN. You’re going to have a BLAST being a Mom.
Teresa,
Loved hearing you on Adam’s podcast today. Just wanted to let you know two things… my wife and I have two boys and both of them absolutely love her (and will go to her first for anything). Also, don’t worry about the movies, you will see plenty of them even after your son is born. When our first was little my wife went to Mommy Movies (normal movies where there were other parents with young kids are there, so there are no nasty looks if your baby is loud), but we also make time for ourselves where one of us has the kids and the other gets out to a movie, bar, or anything else.
Go ahead an punch those people that say otherwise… you can always blame it on hormones!
Kevin
Yes, its annoying and all, but they are indeed speaking from experience.
They aren’t trying to project anything onto you. They aren’t trying to be mean or as you say, a “twat”.
Its just the truth. There is a high probability that you will not go to the movies or on a vacation for months, for years. There are millions and millions of moms all over the world who have a permanently changed body. Especially their breasts.
Maybe in a few months, or maybe in a year, you will look back at all the moms who annoyed you to realize they were just in a sense trying to prepare you for what’s to come, and they were just too tired and exhausted (from being a parent- oh yes, you will soon experience such joys) to soften the blow for your neurotic mind.
Teresa! I love the fact that you are allowing your fans to keep up with you during this special time in your life. I was very disappointed to hear on the Carolla Podcast that you were reading Jenny McCarthy’s book. Her unsupported views on vaccinations are killing children. For scientific rational discussion please visit http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/badastronomy/2009/04/18/what-the-dooce/. On here is a video from moms talking rationally about vacinnation. Every time Jenny McCarthy gets a powderpuff interview to spout her lies it harms the real work being done by scientist about autism.
Keep up the good work and thanks again for letting us into your life.
Lloyd
Unfortunately, soon to follow will be peoples’ horror stories of labor. They want to sit you down and tell you about the worst experience anyone they know has had. Please try not to let them scare you. My family is full of stories of perfect labors that were hard work but short in duration.
If you ever have need of a pep talk involving trusting your instincts and telling those awful people full of horror stories to go to hell, I’ll put you in touch with my mom. She’s the best on that subject.
And it’s great to see you with an outlet for your voice. We enjoyed you so much on Adam Carolla that when you announced you were pregnant, I called my husband to see if he had heard the news.
Soup cooler.
Jeez, just because someone regrets their decision (or their carelessness) doesn’t mean they should go and stress out an already stressed out pregnant woman. It’s all what you make of it.
P.S. : I recommend Bio Oil.
I’m so glad I found this blog! I know this sounds weird, but I’ve really missed hearing you on TACS every morning! I’m so excited for you and your husband, hope everything keeps going great!
I wish people would talk more about this, because I was shocked when I had my first baby and these evil people came out of the woodwork. Suddenly, my boss was telling me I would never sleep again, a random woman with a crying little girl told my pregnant wife that this was what she had to look forward to, etc. I eventually came to the conclusion that there are people who hate being a parent, and seeing the glow of happiness on another new parent’s face makes them angry. Maybe they think they’re doing new parents a favor, like it’s their duty to take away that happiness and drag them down to the cold miserable reality. Maybe they wish someone had warned them how hard being a parent would be. But really, I think it boils down to anger. Seeing the joy of a new parents reminds them that they once were happy about having children, and that happiness (for whatever reason) is gone. And they feel the new to tear it away. I vowed I would never become one of those parents, and so far I haven’t. As a father of two children, this is what I say; being a parent is hard, but the joy far outweighs the occasional frustration or lack of sleep. Enjoy it.
Teresa
Miss you from the radio show. Your blog is bringing back memories of my first pregnancy and all of the rude people I came in contact with. People are cruel.
Gosh, really nice advice this Kimmy had. You’re right, let a girl enjoy her pregnancy for a while. There are tons of moms who continue to have a life after baby.
The best was the conversation I had with my mother one time.
Me: “So, Mom did you breastfeed me?”
Mom: “No.”
Me: “Why not?”
Mom: “Gosh, I wanted to go out still and have dinner with your father.”
p.s. She was a really great Mom.
My wife recently had a baby and she still looks great. Her stomach took a little bit of a beating, but she’s still hot. So don’t sweat that, it’s possible to come out of this looking fine.
As for going out, we do miss it. But usually being at home is better. And there are always grandparents and friends dieing to keep the little ones for you.
No Worries.
Hi, Teresa. I’m so glad I saw your link off Adam’s podcast home page. I plan to read everything you’ve written here over the next couple days. I think you are funny and intelligent and I love that. I hope you do Adam’s podcast at least one more time before he finally realizes he doesn’t have to do it, and just stops. (That’s coming any day now, I think.) I loved you on the old radio show. (Wow, it’s already the “old” show.) I look forward to your next project, whatever it may be (after the baby, that is). Take care.
-A complete stranger. (ChuckE99)
Teresa, Stop the worrying. Enjoy the time this time and stop listening to everyone. After the baby is born you’ll be fine. Trust me. I was in your same shoes and the best advise I received was from my 80 year old grandmother. She said women have been having babies for millions of years, in every which way possible and look that how they did. You are a very caring person and that will transend to your child. Good luck sweetie and remember if everyone had the answers than why are there so many stupid responses?
Teresa,
Just found your blog, love it. I love this topic as well. Everyone is a know it all, especially with mother’s-just ignore. FYI, as a mother of two, I can tell you that I am in better shape than before I had children, my first was born when I was 29. Also, breast feeding is magic for you as well as the baby.
I hope to read more in the future and hopefully hear you visit with adam on his podcast, or perhaps, your own?
Well, I hate to tell you this but….
You better use T’s V now because once you have a baby!
Listening to you for two years every morning has warped my mind.
Good luck to you, I will be an avid follower of your blog.
TK
Wussap! Good to hear from you. You’ll be back on the radio soon fasho
The unsolicited advice gets worse once you have babies. My wife writes about it here:
http://thecitycradle.com/quoting-the-crazy-in-people
Lol, yeah It is wierd how hard it is to tell what people intentions are. It’s prob best to punch first and ask questions later! I’ve heard before that there are alot of wierd dreams that occur during pregnancy esp. the first one. You have any particular, Odd, crazy or otherwise entertaining ones?
Dave out!!
Hey T,
I’m 9 months pregnant. I know all about this evilness you speak of. I don’t know why women feel the need to come up to me and tell me all about their excruciating back labor and letting me know that I WILL SHIT during delivery. I don’t want to be told that I will never have decent sleep or sex or personal time again. And for the love of god DO NOT RUB MY BELLY, YOU FREAKY STRANGER!
At some point, you just have to ignore it. All of it. And stay away from the google, it’s dangerous. I’ve lost far too many nights of sleep because I was up doing paranoid googling. I’m almost at the end and it turns out, I did ok. My baby’s healthy and so am I. Somehow I managed, and I didn’t listen to half the crap women told me. Imagine that.
We’ll be fine, and we’ll love being moms.
Congrats.
Awesome comment! Good luck with baby!
Sorry to be Carolla-esque, but;
It’d be funny if your husband started using this logic and was like, “Well, we’d better do anal NOW, because…”
On a related note, “no backsies” would be a good name for your V.
Win! I lol’ed.
Hi Teresa,
First off, (man or woman) I think you’re one of the quickest wits around. Hope to hear from you more often on Adam’s podcast.
2nd, our boy is 6 months old, and my wife is already back in shape – and she didnt exercise at all – just breastfed….and she is 33……you are only 29. You’ll be fine.
First time I heard a female use the word “twat”. Nice
BTW, I’d like to thank the ACS for helping me with my swearing problem. I’m f’ing grateful.
Hey Teresa! I miss hearing you on the adam carolla show! He mentioned you today on his podcast. He was ripping Whoopie Goldberg and Sherri Shepperd for not being funny and he said something like “teressa strassers a thousand times funnier and a thousand times smarter than sherri shepperd is but she’s on the view because she’s black.” You gotta go on his podcast sometime soon!
Oh how I hate these moms too, and it’s even worse at the park! These are the moms that are too scared to do anything because they have lost their social interaction skills. All they do is volunteer at school, dance, karate, etc. So in turn they use their kids as a fall back and aren’t able to enjoy their lives.
Teresa, if you want to go out for date night, hang out with the girls, go on vacation, or do whatever the hell you want to do, you WILL be able to do all of the things you want. I have been a mother for 4 1/2 years, and love every minute of it….but I do still enjoy my time to go and have fun as well!
Kim can suck it…. I know that is very immature of me to say, but she has obviously had her own (bad) personal experience with child bearing and the aftermath, and does not need to bring the rest of the world down with her!
Congratulations on the pregnancy, Teresa and Batman!
P.S. Teresa…. if you need help punching on Facebook, let me know!
Teresa!
So glad you are a-bloggin’! I just found your blog via laragmag, and I could not be more pleased.
I have really been missing you these days, and wondering how your mutual exploitation is going.
Looking forward to more from you!
Teresa, I was a big fan of yours when you were on While You Were Out.
Since I do not live in an area where I could listen to your radio show I could only read your columns on your website. I want to congratulate you on your pregnancy. I will chcek out blog when I can.
T! You’re going to love being a mom
I didn’t get stretch marks with the first one. I wore many, many a bikini, and my body looked better than ever after I lost the baby weight. Which actually happened rather quickly because it IS possible to eat healthy while pregnant!
I have a three month old, and I took him with me to the movies just the other day. He slept through the entire thing, and no one else in the theater was the wiser.
It can be done! I still have a life!
Miss you on the show. I cried when it all ended. Please, please, please visit Adam on the podcast, it’s just not the same without you! (I love the weekly news idea above!!!)
I’m thrilled we now have a way to keep up on the pregnancy, I’ve been so curious!
Thanks
A
I miss you on the air Teresa. The ac podcast is just not the same w/ out you.
gosh i miss hearing you on the air.
i would love for you to start your own podcast. or at least get on adam’s more often.
listening to you gave me so much insight to what the worldview of a successful middle class woman in her *ahem* late 20′s was like.
miss you so much T
T, I’ve been going through ACS withdrawls since you guys left, the podcast helps some, but not all. I downloaded the entire first year to sustain myself, I’m learning a lot about ’06 American Idol, and realizing that I still have a bit of the shakes, especially when the news is read. Something is missing, in this segment and in the show in general. It was you. This crazy, angry, blowhard, loudmouth, yet somehow endearing guy is completely untethered. The idiot newsgirl ignores the show and adds nothing, the morning zoo cast of characters are downright cartoony. It needed to be grounded, there needed to be some realism in this.
Then, I hear the as usual that Bosstones song play and I sigh, but this particular show is like no other before it, because I hear your voice, Like a kid on Christmas (celebrate it, it’s officially an American holiday now.) receiving the toy he has been wanting since his favorite show was canceled, a smile beams from my mouth. And, yes, I giggle like a schoolgirl. Like when said schoolgirl is called “Terry” by her teacher, who happens to be younger than her current boyfriend.
I’ve also found that my favorite parts of the show was always the impromptu improves or reenactments you guys would have during the news, something that the podcast lacks. Now, I know YOU would never suggest such a thing, but maybe someone could suggest to Carolla that once a week you and him sit down for a news recap of that week. That great Jessica Alba riff you guys did came out of the news, the microwaved a baby reenactment was Darkly beautiful, we need more of that.
I’m so happy for you, and wish you best of luck.
I was just going crazy about the same type of kill joys telling me how my life is over when our baby comes in July. or how hard it is going to be and that we will be ‘more tired than you ever have been in your whole life’. really??! any you know this how??? and this really helps me?? I agree with Teresa; shut up jerks or prepared to be face punched by some delightful pregnant women.
Remember T, not everyone gets stretch marks and this Kim character is just mad because she has too many.
Becoming a parent does change your life, but it shouldn’t change who you are. You will be a funny, smart, beautiful women after the baby comes, only with more experiences to add to your wit.
You will always be beautiful.
You will always find joy in your child’s smile.
Forget the naysayers and worry-warts… You’re in for a real treat.
My daughter just turned twelve but I still celebrate all of her small achievements.
Don’t even worry about the future, whatever happens I know you’re strong enough to deal with it, and even more importantly… appreciate it.
the person i used to want to punch most was joe. despite perpetual nausea with both pregnancies, he would frequently ask “so what’d you eat today?” implying…i don’t know, nourishment negligence? “Donuts and crack, honey,” I’d answer.”Now pass me the popcorn.”
you’ll see more movies than you’ll ever care to see after childbirth, t. all of them sequels. xo
You. Go. Girl. Misery loves company. Good for you for telling them they’re alone and you won’t play by their rules.
BTW – look at your life without a child now, because in a few months you will wonder how you lived without such joy. So there.
Teresa, it’s so great to ‘hear’ you again on a regular basis. You were the sanity and true groundedness of ACS and I’ve missed you. As a single woman with no plans to be a mom anytime soon, I just think one should enjoy every moment of nausea, weight gain and emotion (both dispair and exhaltation). As a “facebook friend”, Kim has not earned the right to throw pithy negatives your way. She is, in fact, a twat. Loved that word.
Your are gorgeous. I’m sure Batman is over the moon. It’s all going to be fine. You’ll be a fantastic mom because you already love so much… not to mention the endless self diagnosing which I’m sure will save – or cause – many trips to the Dr.
In any case, I’m not even a facebook friend but something about this installment nudged me to write you a note. Be well and congratulations!