If one more mom tells me, “Go to the movies now, because after you have the baby, you’ll never get to go to the movies again,” or “Go on a trip now, because once you have the baby, you’ll never leave town again,” or “Have a date night now, because you will never see your husband again,” I am going to punch her right in her tired, defeated face.
Hey, how about you shut your rude, projecting, bitter soup coolers and let me be?
Just let me just deal with the fact that I feel like I’ve been strapped to the spinning tea cup ride at goddamn Dizzyland for the last 11 weeks.
Allow my nauseated, terrified, pregnancy-hobbled brain to stick to its usual troubling fare, and by that I mean non-stop oscillating between thoughts of various fatal genetic defects and how best to phrase it to people if I end up having a “non-viable pregnancy.”
Stop to consider that as a first-time mom-to-be, I’m kind of overstocked with worries right now. It’s like you’re peddling mortgage-backed securities to AIG. No gracias, I got enough of those and they’re all toxic, anyway.
To see me all bulging about the middle is to know I’m in a serious “no backsies” type situation, so keep it to yourself if you think my life will be a dingy wasteland once my bundle of joylessness arrives.
Let’s talk about a girl named Kim.
Having heard I was pregnant, she messaged me on Facebook with the following advice, “Take a look at your body right now, because it will never look this way again. Your stomach will be so pock marked and stretched out, there will be nothing you can do about it, so enjoy it now.”
I barely know this woman, and while I am impressed at her ability to paint such a richly hued portrait of how crappy I’m going to look, I can’t understand what drives her other than pure evil.
Stretch marks are genetic, and they may also be caused by excessive or rapid weight gain. However, what if there is another, more mysterious cause? What if the collagen gods punish people like Kim for being passive-aggressive twats?
You can’t laser that away, Kimmy. See you on Punch you in the Facebook.If I do morph into a bleary-eyed, pock-marked, sad sack with spit-up and organic oatmeal in my hair who is too neurotically attached to her precious child to allow anyone to baby sit, I hope to have enough compassion to lie my saggy ass off when I see a pregnant girl and simply say, “You are going to love being a mom.”
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Tags: baby, Moms, pregnant, stretch marks
I hope you “deleted” her ass!—Women can be such complete dicks.
I have no idea where all the pessimism is coming from in regards to pregnancy. Some people seem to forget the bright side of things (such as having a wonderful baby). You’re right. Just sock em in the face and be done with it. *laughs*
This is the funniest one so far! I love the second to last paragraph, man you can write! You sure keep me laughing when I feel like crap from pregnancy!
You’re going to be a *great* mom.
I always hated those horror stories too. Don’t worry about it. Just enjoy the ride.
T,
It sounds to me like your facebook “friend” is jealous. If you do morph into a bleary-eyed, pock-marked, sad sack of blah blah blah, you will simply make that look hot. I wish you the best and I bet Kim at her best is still -20 compared to your worst.
Teresa, I have followed you the past few years and love your humor. Number one rule in being a good mother — MUST HAVE sense of humor! I have 2 boys and I love it. I never cared either way what sex my children would be — but now I think what would I do with a girl!! A few light moments — you will find your hair ribbons, clips, your nail files, your jewelry, anything you think boys wouldn’t want — they use them to make play guns, or cars, or use your jewelry pretending their pirates and they found gold! My husband suffers from Bipolar Depression, came on strong when he hit 40. His mother also suffers from it, deeply. Not that she wasn’t a good mother — but hit and miss — and some horrid memories. He too worried about parenting because of these issues and he is the BEST daddy any child could ask for. He notices when he is going the wrong direction and straightens it out. Our oldest son 8.5 and he shows signs.. and all I can say is I am thankful that his father is there to help him with any issues that come up. Talk to your baby from day one, not baby talk, real words, the bigger and more exciting the better! Their sponges, they feed off of you — mood, words, and emotions. YOU ARE GOING TO BE A GREAT Mother! You have already begun by worrying yourself to death — that’s being a mom for the rest of your life. Every day you will worry, and laugh and laugh and laugh! I pray you have several babies, its fun. Please remember when you think the baby work is to hard.. I believe that’s the easy part!! Explaining what a condom is to my 8 year old son last night (scene from a movie).. that moment I wished he was that baby again!! You’ve done the hard part — getting pregnant and staying healthy .. enjoy the rest of it. Your husband too — he already sounds patient and kind .. taking great care of you. Yours truly — Big fan .. love hearing you back with Adam (another great parent — and he had horrible parents)!
I should have responded on the subject of listening to other people. During both my pregnancies my husband and I worked for the same Company and we would be together at lunch. So many people say the worst stuff to us — ooh enjoy your time now — its over for you, etc etc etc. My husband would go back at them and I just didn’t respond. Peole would tell us how horrible their kids were and ooh just wait your turn. My husband would say — if you choose to raise them that way — then thats what you get. We have 2 awesome boys. One quieter and the other crazy wild. But .. they are the light of our lives and we wouldn’t change anything. Raise your child the way YOU want to and tell others to but out (listen to the good advice, toss the other).
i just gotta say that i’m very happy for you and your husband. i may not know you from other than the show but you come across as a very intelligent woman with a great scene of self and humor.I never would have thought that I would enjoy reading about pregnancy, but here i am still reading. you’ve got an easy reading and smart style of writing.
I believe you are going to be a wonder mother.
question: are you going to save these pages in case your son wants to read then when he get older?
thank you for sharing.
Robert Wills
Daydreaming amount punching people in the face, along with crying alone in the bathroom at work, were two things i did regularly during my pregnancy. I regularly got “You’ll never sleep again”, “You’ll never have sex again” , ” Wow, are you sure you don’t have twins in there? You’re HUGE!”. The only “advice” i have for you and your husband is to make sure everyone involved is healthy and happy. Being a mom is a lot of fun. I too had doubts about my maternal abilities ( my own mother told me she was worried that i wasn’t maternal enough”). You can see some of my own child exploitation at the website above. Again, I wish you health and happiness.
I just found out I’m pregnant a few days ago (very unexpected and I’m kind of in shock and have no idea what to expect) and I am so enjoying your website! And OMG the podcast with Adam about episoitimies??? I don’t want my vagina and asshole to meet. I never knew….
Congratulations, Kara.
So happy for you. Keep us posted.