My Chemical Romance: I Miss You, Toxins
Mmmm, chemicals
Even someone like me who isn’t particularly good with babies, who looks at them and says things like “Hey, buddy. Look at your little face,” before resorting to peek-a-boo and than running of out material, even I try to err on the side of caution when it comes to most chemicals. After years of wondering if I was cut out to be a mother, I’m relieved that the instinct to protect this baby is so strong, or at least the image of me smoking a Camel while sipping a Jameson’s as hair dye sets in and self-tanner absorbs is so shameful, that I figure all of my favorite chemicals can wait.
And I really love chemicals. I had no idea how much I took them for granted until now. I miss you, toxins.
Being pregnant has made me feel toward booze and Xanax and Retin-A the way Emily from “Our Town” felt about food, new ironed dresses, hot baths and milk delivered to your door. She didn’t appreciate the simple things in life until she returned as a ghost to Grover’s Corners, lived one day as her 12 year old self, and asked the question all pre-teen girls agonize over while performing Emily’s big monologue at theatre camp: “Does anyone ever realize life while they live it?”
What I mean is that I never appreciated safe and guilt-free drug use until it was gone. Did I just compare not using Klonopin to dying? Is that overblown? Someone get me to Samuel French because I’m feeling dramatic.
I knew nicotine was bad. I quit smoking my two after-dinner puffy treats at 10 weeks or so. Though I was never John Wayne with the smokes, we went way back together, and I always thought letting go of one or two cigarettes would be easy.
Right now, I don’t want to smoke just a couple.
I want to sit in bed and chain-smoke high on half a Vicodin and watch a couple of documentaries from Netflix like I used to do on a Friday night when the mood struck. If smoking calms nerves, I’ve never been more nervous than I am about this baby, how he’s doing in there, how he is going to get out, when I’m going to ascertain the meaning of the word “layette” or make myself care about the best brand of disposable nipple pads. However, it’s comforting to know my first maternal instincts outweigh nicotine addiction and habit and several bassinets full of anxiety.
Chemicals, I can’t wait to return to you. Until then, here is a list of the top ten chemicals I miss:
Vicodin – Narcotics are bad. Except for the fact they produce a little something called euphoria. Listen, this drug is a highly addictive opioid that should be used only to manage severe pain. However, my definition of “pain” is a loose one.
Nicotine – C’mon. Smoking sucks. I get it. But how else are you supposed to know when dinner is over?
Booze – Nursing is going to mean something totally different, I know, but it used to be what I did to my glass of whiskey or single malt Scotch. What rounds out the edges now? Anyone who suggests a hot bath or meditating or chamomile tea is going to get punched in the face.
Retin-A – Who knows if this crap works, but they say it staves off breakouts and wrinkles and I have both right now as my prescription tube sits in the drawer, expiring.
Hair Color – I know, some say it’s okay to use, others say just get highlights, but let’s face it, who wants to sit in the salon all pregnant while women judge you for caring more about your roots than your spawn?
Klonopin – Relaxes muscles, reduces anxiety, helps you sleep, features a nice long half-life so you wake up fresh as a daisy and worry free. My favorite drug seemed so harmless until I read that when taken during pregnancy it may cause “floppy infant syndrome.” I don’t know what that is, and I don’t want to know.
Mystic Tan – Again, lots of pregnant girls do it and it’s probably fine. If you search long enough, you’ll find some Dr. Buzzkill to dissuade you from most delicious chemicals, as does OB/GYN Suzanne Gilberg-Lenz who says, “I tell my patients to avoid chemical tanning at the very least in the first trimester, when the majority of fetal organ formation occurs.” Ha, lady! I’m second trimester. Not so fast, she also adds that brain development continues throughout pregnancy and the skin is the largest organ in the body. Fine.
If there is a better way to gloss over the physical unpleasantries of being both pregnant and just generally over 30, I haven’t found it. DHA, IOU. And I miss you.
Advil – I never used this much, but now that I can’t I realize it was nice to have the option.
Artificial sweeteners – Equal, Splenda, Nutrasweet, saccharine, I don’t know what’s in you or which of you is better, but you all taste so chemical-y now. Half a Splenda in my decaf is my sweetener threshold before the guilt sets in, and that’s not like the three packs I used to enjoy in my cereal just for the fuck of it.
Caffeine – I have a decaf now and again, but some scary article I read when I was trying to get pregnant linked excessive coffee drinking with an increased rate of miscarriage. As losing the baby is the most non-stop, obsessive worry I’ve ever had, it seems like every caffeinated beverage is just a Miscarriage-a-ccino.
I agree with your feelings.Thanks a ton for your revealing.
My latest annoyance?
Teresa, thank you for this blog. I’m on week 7, kid number 2, and the second time around isn’t any easier. I had my first child 7 years ago and thought I would somehow be stronger during the second pregnancy…wrong, wrong, wrong! You are my hero for putting yourself out there!!! Congratulations on your baby boy. I’m looking forward to seeing the pictures. When I take my first sip (gulp) of whiskey after several months of sobriety I will be thinking of this blog and raise my glass to you!
While your ordering from NetFlix, add The Business of Being Born to your list. Great movie to give you some interesting things to think about!
Hang in there sweetie, I know it’s rough, but it’s well worth the wait. Just make sure you plan a night out with the girls about 6 weeks after delivering. Make sure they know you need alcohol, xanax & nicotine to be present. (Don’t forget to pump PLENTY before you go) Best of luck to you! You will make a marvelous Mother! MUAH!
Teresa I am almost 21 weeks pregnant and I couldn’t agree with you more. Up until last week from week 5 my head was in the toilet constantly while everyone around me smoked, drank, took meds and I just wanted to knock them all in the head. I do miss sleeping at night and wish I could have a cocktail and a cigarette pretty much on a daily basis what makes me angry is when people point out the obvious ” you just can’t do it cause you are pregnant, so deal with it” well F you people, I should be allowed to complain and if you don’t like it too damn bad, make sure not to see me when you are pregnant.
Oh, Teresa – so much fun reading your blog – you are foulmouthed, smart, funny and introspective! I am a mom to a 2 1/2 year old boy, and will never tire of hearing other people’s hilarious experiences with their own “alien invasion”! Having a baby is the best fodder for self-deprication and an appreciation of the absurd! My only advice to expecting or new moms is to 1) always laugh at yourself and enjoy the humbling, exciting, neurotic, maddening, euphoric and chaotic experience of it all…even when you’re losing your mind; and 2) surround yourself with people who know how to laugh and reassure you that whatever you’re doing is working just fine!
Ah, Teresa, I miss listening to you in the morning with Adam! You guys were such a bright spot in my commute home after dropping off my daughter at school. I got such a guilty pleasure knowing I listened to public broadcasting on the drive with my daughter in the car, and the Adam Corolla Show on the way home! I’m thrilled to have found your blog and will enjoy keeping up with your posts.
As for the drugs and chemicals in pregnancy — I can relate! I used to have what I called “sin dreams” throughout my pregnancy. I’d have the most vivid, hedonistic dreams about smoking cigarettes (and other things), drinking, eating, not to mention sex. Oh my god the dreams I had about sex! It was cathartic on the one hand, disturbing on the other.
Reconciling who we are as we “gestate” (would love to help you in finding a better phrase for the mom-to-be, but alas…) with who we were before we started the journey to motherhood is something most women face, I think, although we don’t often give voice to it.
Congratulations to you, my dear. I know you wanted this for a while. May you enjoy your beauty, your body, and your changing role all through the journey of motherhood. Don’t hesitate to drop me a line if I can help you.
Cheers,
Tara at Maternitique.com
Hang in there. You won’t be pregnant for the rest of your life (of course, you might feel like you will some days!) You know you’re doing the right thing – bite the bullet! But if the road really gets too rocky, there are things your doc can give you. You just need to ask.
I really liked the Lansinoh breast pads. Comfy and really neat feeling when they fill up with milk.
Mmmmmm. Sometimes, don’t you just hate growing up and doing responsible, selfless … grown-up things??
Hi T !!!
Miss you terribly in the morning. And I’m still jealous that you married somebody else
Sounds like you’re doing great… If you WEREN’T struggling, then I’d be concerned about you. Gain your strength by thinking about how you’ll be able to look back on this time with no regrets about things you could have/should have done differently. The chemicals will all be there later if you really want them. This is a one-time experience in your life.
Hugs and kisses to ya…
A little off topic, but I wanted to say the following: All my life, I’ve heard some guys say that they think that pregnant women are beautiful, and all my life I’ve disagreed.
Then I saw your picture on the Carolla Podcast page. Dear god, you are gorgeous.
T. You are a funny lady. I would love to have a friend as bright and witty as you. You will be a great mom, because you want to be a great mom. Best of luck with your pregnancy and new momhood!
I love your blog….
T. T. T. T. & baby & batman = i’am laughing again.
You are so amusing. Not to make light of your situation, but hey…you started it.
)
I admire your willpower but don’t be so hard on yourself. It won’t stop after the kid is born, either (do you know of anyone who developed secondary sexual characteristics from phalates? Won’t stop people from freaking.) so do what you think is right.
One note about the hair color issue. I always feel that tinge of guilt going in to the salon (maybe not so much on the way out), but it is a time when I am thankful to be covered by that big tent cape thing.
Firstly, I seem to be the only person who noticed that once you have your baby, you’ll be back on booze and vicodin. And smoking (I know, you won’t do it around the baby. But even the smoke lingering on your clothes is bad for the child). It seems like as soon as you can start self medicating again, you will be.
Or, as a fellow person who had a rough childhood, you could jump on my bandwagon. After I got married to a wonderful person, became successful running my own business and generally having good relationships with friends and colleagues, I realize that there wasn’t much reason to be a complete ball of anxiety all the time. It was hard to listen to you on the Adam Carolla show, the podcast and it’s hard to read your writing because you cling so dearly to your self-induced anxiety over who is thinking what about you at all times. Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy your input in those mediums, but your level of unjustified self loathing is a bit overwhelming. Get a grip. Not unlike me, you’re married to a wonderful person, you’re successful in your career, you have people who truly like you, and you’re not a bad looking lady. I think maybe your soon-to-be new family will be healthier without mommy strung out on vicodin and xanax in order to numb the “pain”. he pain is in the past… Let it be past.
Look on the bright side T.. once you pop, you’ll be such a light weight to all your favorite toxins that it will be like trying them for the first time. I do feel your pain though. I never wanted alcohol and the occasional joint more than I did when i was pregnant! Just think “it’s only 9 months”. (permission to punch me in the face granted) lol
Stay strong!!!!!!! I love vicodan and wine as much as the next gal, but just think how awesome it’ll be when these 9 months are over and you get to partake in your vicodan again. Yumm! It’ll be worth the wait
Hey Sweety,
As a (I hope I’m allowed to say this) Jewish mom it is your birthright to complain about the sacrifices you must make for your little boy. Get it out now and you’ll avoid being the mom you seem to be afraid of becoming. You are doing a great job!!! I think there is one lucky little boy who will enter the world with you and Batman (is his name Dan?) as his parents.
Take care.
I love reading these Teresa! And I’m going to confess a friend’s secret while she was pregnant… she would taste her sister’s beer/wine/cocktail, and then not swallow it. I found it ridiculous because I personally would just want the whole damn thing…
poor little girl…
childbirth and pregnancy ain”t for sissies!!! (some old lady told me this)
You can do it…
and here….here’s a pick of me…MILF ….getting ready to go see My hubby’s band
http://smartdame.blogspot.com/2009/02/blog-post.html
and you know what else? I think I might have a picture of that same night holding a pint of beer…I was over it…
girl…
glad I found your blog
I’m linkin ya..
xoxx
v8grrl
Unisom, which is often used to deal with morning sickness, is a nice one while pregnant. Also Ive had a nice time with tylenol PM once or twice. I couldnt lose the caffeine but think about smoking more while Im pregnant then when Im not.. You are so kick A!
Great read, wish it was longer!!!
Hey Teresa:
Congrats!
There is no possible way I can relate to your experience. However, at the risk of appearing unsympathetic, I am simply going to reassure you that you are doing the right thing. Chemicals suck, period. Your son deserves your sacrifice.
I certainly don’t want the punch, but take a nice walk in Topanga with your husband. Get out of the city, away from the congestion. Within an hour you will feel supremely confident that you are doing the right thing.
Really. Just get out of LA for a bit and your cravings will disappear.
Best,
Mark
I’m sorry I don’t have time to read all your comments, and it’s very likely someone has suggested this to you before. If so, sorry to be repetitive. I’ve been reading Heather Armstrong’s blog for even longer than I was hopelessly addicted to the Adam Carolla Show (Damn, I miss you guys!) She blogs on dooce.com. She’s got a wicked sense of humor and is currently in her last trimester of her second pregnancy, neither of which has seemed to be magical (It’s OK to hate Nancy Odell, by the way, for making you feel like what you’re going through is not normal!) Anyway, Heather seems to tend toward severe depression without her drugs, and pregnancy has been a very unique challenge for her and her family. But she’s frightfully honest about all of it. It might be helpful to read her, even if only for a great big belly laugh! I’m not implying you’re depressive, but you are both hilarious!
I find this new, more ‘I’m gunna punch you in the face’ Teresa to be a curious specimen indeed!
Xanax T.
My OB told me it was ok to drink 8 oz of caffine a day and to limit my fish intake to the ones in the little booklet she gave me. I never realized that a shot of espresso is like three 8oz cups of coffee or that, until I stopped nursing, lox would be my once a week treat. I would sit and think, do I really want that tuna sandwhich? If I have it, I can’t have my bagel tomorrow.
Also, I was/am (to be medically concidered) obese. I worried all the time when I was pregnant. Doctors were telling me I would have to have a c-section or wouldn’t be able to breastfeed, all kinds of things. They were wrong. My cravings were the most healthiest eating I have ever done. I did lose weight while pregnant, and my doctor was happy with that. My pregnant friends were……….not. But I told them, as I tell you. Your weight started with the number 1, mine started with 3 and is now starting with 2. When you have your baby, you can fit into single digit clothes again. I haven’t done that since I was in single digits in age.
Perspective, Perspective.
If you want another baby book to look at try, The Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy. You wont want to punch her in the face as much as you do C-word. And she’s not as gross as Jenny Mcarthy.
If you don’t want to have kids for awhile after your little guy.
I suggest the IUD.
So easy.
I love your blog.
I wish you and Brian could be on every Adam Carolla podcast.
Another brilliant installment ! You really should start organizing them and looking for a literary agent if you don’t already have one. You’ve definitely cornered the preggo-POV that I would have purchased a copy of for myself and ALL MY BFF’s back in the days when our ovaries were young, ripe and spawning children at our command. The amount of junk-pseudo science out there that seems to only want to scare the bejesus out of women who are just trying to grow a human here for pete’s sake is pathethic. Here’s a glimmer of a dark secret that may just be dawning on you. All those psycho-crazy guilt trippers out there who run around listing 52 things you are doing that will result in an offspring with single digit IQ’s and 12 fingers are in truth not “saving the fetuses” they are just creating a great underground sisterhood society of woman who are trying to get through 40 weeks with a shred of the sanity they started it with, yet not throwing caution so far to the wind that the dire predictions of the crazy minion materialize. In short we do what we must and lie about it. So really, how did that work for the Chicken Little’s ? Back in the day, the mothers of the now CEO’s of the fortune 500, the resident of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave and pretty much everyone else over the age of say 35, ate a bologna sandwich if the urge struck them, started every day with a cup-a-joe and smoked their cigs believing the “filters” were the healthy option for their child,. They took the edge off with drink( or two or three), died their hair Red (the 50′s) Frosted (the 60′s) or Cheryl Tiegs Blond (the 70′s) … yet most of us have reasonable IQ’s (whether we use them or not), born on or near our due dates, with the appropriate appendages for our species and gender.
I’m not suggesting handing crack pipes out with the pre-natal vitamins… but I am saying … lay off a girl will ya ? Their trying to keep a species alive here and they didn’t ask for you opinion / approval in the first place. Neener-neener.
Oh Teresa, how I adore you! This post made me giggle the whole time.
betcha don’t miss latex and spermicide.
oh teresa, you had me at ‘floppy infant syndrome’
you are pretty great.
I am 15 wks pregnant and I never realized how much deli meat I ate (which you aren’t supposed to eat when you are pregnant). I just want to sit around eating cold turkey sandwiches (with a cigarette and a glass of wine).