ABOUT ‘EXPLOITING MY BABY’
Why Exploiting My Baby Seems Like a Good Idea
Like it’s so special having a baby. Britney Spears did it twice, so there you go.
Yet, we’ve all seen these spooky, lost smother mothers with their sippy cups full of self-absorption and their non-stop, mind-numbing prattle about the relative merits of organic baby food. These are the souls who update their Facebook status to reflect little Jackson’s latest bowel movement. This is not okay. This is haunting.
There are so many nerve-wracking things about being pregnant for the first time. Just when you think you can handle nausea, ravenous hunger, precipitous weight gain, and the abject fear about your baby’s health, you come in contact with one of these mothers and you think, not that I’m so great, but I hope I don’t become her.
Frankly, it has never been very comfortable being me, but it’s all I know.
I would like to think I’m in no danger of becoming an uptight asshole who won’t let you touch my child without Purell-ing your hands, lest you pass infection to my precious baby Jesus, but the truth is: I have no idea.
I have no idea about any of this.
Maybe everything has already been said about the experience of pregnancy, but it’s new to me and I have found myself consuming any information I can, from Nancy O’Dell’s book (beautiful lady, but her memoir about extra-glowing pregnancy skin and lack of any unpleasant symptoms when carrying Baby Ashby can suck it) to Jenny McCarthy (you want to dismiss “Belly Laughs,” but you can’t, because it really does make you feel normal and though her style makes you want to say, “I get it, you’re edgy,” she really is entertaining and likeable). As long as there are pregnant girls up in the middle of the night wondering if it’s a cramp or gas or a disaster, as long as there are newcomers to this world as confused and terrified as I am, this crap is always going to seem relevant and new to us. I am grateful for all the books and blogs that tell the truth, and I don’t mean syrupy wannabe disclosures like, “I haven’t washed my hair in weeks, but it’s all worth it because of the magic of motherhood.” I mean, the real stuff.
There is no precedent for us first-timers. I don’t understand any of the sensations happening in my body, which all seem like they must mean imminent miscarriage, a phrase I have Googled no fewer than 17 times.
I don’t have any idea what nipple salve or nasal aspirators do. I don’t know anything about babies, except I am having one. Moreover, I don’t know how to write about any of this without conjuring images of poor, kicked around Kathie Lee Gifford, who seems like an alright gal but who took so much shit for trotting out little Cody and little what’s-her-face just to make America love her.
I guess it seemed like she was just exploiting her babies.
Now that I think about it, as a writer, I guess I’ve “exploited” all of my subjects: my step-parents, my boyfriends, my beat up cars, my jacked up apartments, my landlords, my Hebrew school teachers, my grandfather, my girlfriends, the dude at the dry cleaner’s, my therapist(s), the guy I met on Myspace, my dermatologist, everyone.
Sometimes, when you’re scared about how something is going to be perceived, you have to look the bogeyman right in the face.
So when I randomly searched for the domain name Exploiting My Baby.com and it was free, I grabbed it.
And after all, the kid is exploiting me.
Teresa,
I don’t know if you’ll see this, or why I’m even writing it in a public forum but I really wanted to write to you. I took the test yesterday and have known for less than 24 hours, and obviously can’t even say the word yet, but today the only thing I want to read is your blog. I’ve visited it here and there the past year or so because I’ve been a fan since you were on the Carolla show, but today I scrolled all the way to the very bottom and have tried to absorb as much as I can. From the beginning, because I’m scared and nervous to be excited, and i think I’m excited, but you make me feel like whatever I am it’s ok and listening to you on the Parent Experiment now makes me feel like I will be okay… I feel massively silly for writing to a celebrity like this, but it makes me feel better to tell someone, even if it is a complete stranger, and maybe I’ll get the nerve to tell someone other than my husband… Thanks for being real, and funny, and honest, and brave.
Heard you and Brian on Adam’s podcast today. If you name your kid shane, or worse cheyne, get him into martial arts early so when the arse kickin’ comes, which it will, he can at least defend himself. How about Bryce, Parker, Riley, Jack, or…Adam. Hope all goes well. Mid August my wife will pop out a Reagan Rose. Good times!!
Good luck with your growth and tell Bryan the same. You are good friend T.
All well-put and well thought-out, as usual. As a woman who came into this in my 40′s (husband likes to liken my fertility window to Indiana Jones hurling himself through the closing doors) who actually fricken took a class at Babies R Us in “how to diaper a baby” (complete with serious nurses and freaky dolls), I can totally relate to the fears you speak of. Not just the fears of carrying the baby, having a healthy baby, etc. etc. (no duh), but the bigger fears about what will happen to you as a human being–and a regular, thinking person once you have it. I learned early on in my pregnancy to stay off the internet though (in regards to my ‘questions’ about what was happening). I still can’t get some of that imagery out of my head (insert worse-case scenario here). Enjoy yourself as much as you can/do. Cheers!
Ditto what AnotherVoice said!! I have a 9 month old daughter and once you go through the hellish lack of sleep that is involved with tending to a sick child you will be Purell-ing everything in sight!!
My daughter is not that precious…but my sleep is
Hi T -
Heard the podcast … don’t worry, you may not have a little girl who insists on wearing her princess dress to the grocery store (yet), but you will have a darling little boy who wants to wear his Mr. Incredible costume everywhere, adores his mom, and grows up to be a handsome, smart, funny 11-year-old who writes you Mother’s Day notes like this: “Mom, I need to tell you: they have not invented a number big enough to describe how much I love you.”
Awwww!
My sweet little dude is just starting the normal, age-appropriate, slow-but-steady separation from me. I’ve loved every minute of our adventures so far. Okay, that’s a lie. I didn’t love the waking-up-every-two-hours gig and the 20-minute tantrums when he was a toddler. But the rest of it was awesome, and (after we complete our sojourn in the Hell that is adolescence) I know he’s going to be an amazing grownup.
Remember, Adam’s childhood was just a step above being raised by wolves. Our kids are growing up in the 21st century – they might not call us all the time when they’re adults, but they will email and text us.
Good luck, and I’m glad you started a blog.
Lisa
First off congratulations! I am a first time mom of a beautiful 6 month old baby boy. I know you were sad when you found out the gender of your baby, but let me just tell you… baby boys are the sweetest. I admit, they are a bigger pain in the ass and do eat a lot more ( i know this because i live with my sister and she has an 8 month old little girl) but that first time he pulls your face to him and slobbers all over your face in his attempt to kiss you is the most amazing feeling you’ll ever experience. I don’t know if it’s just mine but it seems that baby boys are more attached to their mommy. As to being pregnant… I agree with Denise. You may be miserable the first trimester, but once you get passed the morning sickness and the phase where you just look fat not pregnant it is awesome. Enjoy every movement and every kick because you WILL miss it. Take full advantage of the free bee to be “fat”. Enjoy your belly and take pictures because you will also miss that. The downside… look forward to some stretch marks (all those creams don’t work. If you can afford laser removal go for it) and being exhausted 24/7. You will be amazed at how your body adjusts and learns to function on no sleep. All things considered though, positive and negative, they ARE worth every bit of pain,sleepless nights (around month 8 & 9) pound gained and stretch mark. You will be amazed at how much you love your little guy the second you see him for the first time.
I’m so happy for you, I’ve listened to Adam’s show ever since it started and was really happy when you married Batman and then to hear you were trying to get pregnant, and now you are! I have two kids and it’s just the best thing ever, obviously, and you’ll be an amazing mom. love, stephy
I totally agree with Michela! I am so happy to be able to follow your pregnancy even if through blogging. As the mother of three boys, I can tell you that I hated being pregnant. Why three times then? Because I love my children. The one thing you will miss about your pregnancy once the baby is born is the baby’s movement inside of you. You’ll miss the hiccups, the kicking, the rolling. What you won’t miss? The feeling of having a full bladder, but don’t. Your first post-pregnancy pee will be the biggest relief you’ll ever feel! LOL Good luck!
One of the most enjoyable aspects of being a listener during your wedding preparations was that you had a similar approach to mine: enjoy the wedding, make the family happy/comfortable, and don’t turn into a monster!
I’m glad you are the same kind of mom(-to-be).
Please, enjoy your pregnancy!
Hey T miss you on the radio and have to say as a first time father (me and gf are due Aug. 3). I so know what you’re going through. Also we are buying our first house at the same time. So two of the biggest things that can happen in life in one year. As someone who repeatedly said he wasn’t having children,I’m handling it well. So you should do just fine if not better then most people in the world. And I do recommend The Caveman’s guide to pregnancy for Batman (Or any of the ladies that want to help their man on the path to babyhood). Funny, informative and just a book for guys on the subject.
As usual, you will be keeping it real. I always hate that “I loved being pregnant….I never felt better.” bullshit. Get a grip, Halle Berry
Good luck with the pregnancy and I hope it’s not too rough.
If you haven’t already read it, get The Girlfriends’ Guide to Pregnancy. It made me feel a lot better. Congratulations!
Theresa,
I am so happy for you!!! I can’t wait to hear more about your life journey with the baby, I am due any day now. Wish me luck!
T-
I miss you in the morning! But really enjoy your blog! Best of luck on the pregnancy—You paranoia is a peek into my own future, I’m sure.
Congratulations T!
I was so bummed with the end of the Adam Carolla show, but thrilled when you announced your pregnancy. I’ll admit it, I cried; however, I’ll blame it on the hormones…I’m due in late September/early October as well.
I love your witty and intelligent writing. I look forward to hearing your experiences through pregnancy and beyond!
You miss the point about Purell-ing. If I was obsessed about my child’s health, I’d ask every toddler we run into to french kiss my daughter. More colds now, healthier later in life. The point of Purell-obsession is that when they’re sick, they can’t sleep and therefore keep you up all night. It’s pure selfishness. At least for me. Although I’m sure many mom’s turn this into concern for their kids psychologically.
I predict you will find yourself carrying Purell in a hip holster for this very purpose. That is, if you’re honest with yourself about it.
Hey T, I love your blog. I’m excited to see you writing again. I’m glad the pregnancy is going well. God bless.
All your feelings are perfectly valid. I’m really shocked that with all the possible URLs out there, exploitingmybaby.com wasn’t taken. The squatters think of everything! Too many possible negative connotations, I suppose. But not inappropriate for this day and age, and it’s perfect for you.
Chill baby!
S’all gonna be OK.
“Jackson’s latest bowel movement”, t? this is WAR. xo
oohhh t how excited you must be! you have a little baby in your belly! oohh you’ll be a great mom don’t worry too much, a little bit is probably ok and healthy, but you’ll be great!! miss you guys in the mornings was listening today to the last broadcast again and i still get a little misty at parts.. good luck in whatever your future holds!!
OMG…your baby bump is so cute. Congratulations & I hope that you get everything you can from this baby! LOL. Good Luck with all the new adventures you will have with your baby…I love your writing…keep it up! I look forward to reading more.
I am SO excited that you have a blog! I was depressed when the Adam Carolla show ended, in general, but part of the reason I was so sad was that we wouldn’t get to hear about your pregnancy! We heard all the rest of the story leading up to now and it felt cut short.
Anyway please keep updating this! We want to hear all about what’s going on – at least, I do!
I just randomly checked your website and was stoked to see you have a blog here. I always have enjoyed your writing!
I read so much stuff about pregnancy and other pregnant women when I was pregnant, it was like an addiction. Good god, there’s a lot out there (and I’m pretty sure I read it all). I couldn’t stop, even the really terribly written stuff. It was, of course, a new experience and that’s how I learn about new things, I read. I highly, highly recommend girlsgonechild.net– it’s a fantastic blog by a woman who is now a mom to two kids, but definitely didn’t know what the hell she was getting into when she found herself pregnant the first time around. It’s pretty great.
Watch out, that baby will suck you dry if you let it. They are very selfish that way. Good luck with the pregnancy and I look forward to reading more!